[irish_angel]

Its been a few since Ive actually wrote anything but the last few weeks were crazy, I couldnt get any energy to do anything it was scaring me.
Life has its ups and downs I understand that and for the most part accept it too but sometimes its just too much for one person to handle,, and it can be quiet fustrating sometimes.. Im trying the best that I can without going over the edge.

Sometimes Im so worried about what other people think, or will say or will react that I never take what it is that I need. The guilt that consumes me its too much to hear, but if I dont learn that I have needs and that it is ok to meet them, I dont think Ill ever get it.

For years and years I was taught that I am to look after everyone else and makes sure that everyone is happy and that Im doing my best as a person to please everyone, hence now I am a insane people pleaser, and I get confused because it is ok to want to please... but the extreme that I will go to, to do it is sometimes rough.

Let me let all of you who read this in on some of my past.... If you dont want to I understand and just need to vent again.

When I was 8 years old I was sexually abused by my mothers boyfriend for 4 years, and I was told by the police on a different occasion where I was stalked by a sexual predator that I was a girl with a big chest so I should get use to it cause it will more than likely happen again...And when I was 14 and tried to tell my best friend about it she turned around on a bad day and told everyone in school and she didnt know why, I must of liked it and that I was too ugly to be abused. Thats when I started to burn and cut myself to take the pain away from inside to show that I was tough and that I couldnt be hurt.

Then Ive been in relationship after relationship where I put up with physical and emotional abuse and just started eating and eating to get rid of the feelings inside. Had my first son when I was 18 and gained insane amount of weight, went from 170 to 340 pounds within the next 3 years.

Got out of that relationship and my best friend stepped in to take my place so to speak. *different best friend from jr high school* I was there when her daughter was born and named her, we worked thru that stage in our life tho and Im glad to say that. Then I went thru a crazy faze where I was out partying all the time and didnt care, I got pregnant again at age 22 and because it was by a black man, my family stopped talking to me so I had an abortion, *please dont judge that, I dont, it was wrong yes..but I love my family
and the older generation was taught different than us*

My oldest son has been thru alot too, when he was a baby he was curcumised 3 times and had to be operated on 2 times to fix one problem, and then when he was 8 he was diagnosed with Hystioctioses X ( a rare tumor in his skull .... only 6 other children in the world have had it) and he got over it, and then we found 2 more in his arms which mow it is called Langerhan Cell Hystioctioses and hes been thru chemo for the last 2 years and we finally got the 6 month clear with no more tumors thats awesome, yet they can keep coming back for the next 10 years.

The GAD has been around for some time now, the OCD part came about when my grandfather passed away in 1996, and its gotten worse everyday. More so since my sons father took my son from me.. I moved to Alberta and when I then moved back home I let Noahs father take him for 6 months so he could go to the school he went to and be stable until I got settled, prior to that I had him for 7 years and then when after all the talk of getting him back and what was going to go on, his father served me with papers on the day of Noahs return instead and tried to get full custody of him.. Left me with 3 weeks to get a lawyer and all that, which I couldnt do on no income because I went on the system to get an apartment and settled and he called on me and said that I didnt have Noah and therefore they wouldnt help me. The judge thank god said NO WAY to full custody and told his father that what he did and how he went about it was sneaky and wrong but because the law is the law and he was stable for the last 6 months there was no reason to remove him from the home and it was a sad case of both parents being resposnible and that we would have joint custody where hes with me 3 days a week and his father 4 days a week. Until I can get enough money to get a good lawyer and go back again! and I will!!!
This is when the OCD becomes too much to handle most days, and I miss him so much and was robbed of alot of things.

To think like me...you have to think 24 hours a day every minute is plagued with thoughts of danger and trouble and sometimes even impending doom... My brain is so tired, I go to sleep and have wicked dreams...and wake up so tired because I dont get to sleep really.

Well that took alot out of me and now im tired, Im sorry to bore anyone and just needed to get some off my chest, there is more but dont want the post to become a book!
Take Care

my goodness, you have a huge amount of stuff on your plate right now. i am so sorry that life has dealt you all of this. are you seeing a T? or going to any support groups?

i applaud your efforts to get a lawyer and work on the custody case> good luck< in that>...xoxox pat

[Parker10]

Good luck with getting a good lawyer. YOu have been through so much ! Like fayerody said, I hope you are in therapy and/or a support group. Good luck - and keep posting.

[irish_angel]

I was in a bunch of support groups for different things, but summer is here so I have to wait till fall again.

Ts around here and not cheap and mental health can no longer help me with my needs.

I am also re-charging the man who sexually abused me for those years and thru that I get to have a T support me thru it.. so we`ll see how that goes..
Thanks

[Dervish]

So long as sweet Ozzie and sweet Petunia are around
I can't mention anything to do with The Almighty.
So heres this:Our Model T Ford,Hallowed Be thy name
Thy Kingdom come ,Let thy engine putter on earth
and in Heaven.Give us the rack-and-pinion stearing as we rightly deserve and guard us from the dregs of
society with thy awesome fender.Lead us not over the
cliffs but deliver us from police cruisers.Amen.

[Hope4me2]

irish I agree with Parker and Pat....sending you lots of cyber
{{{{{{{{{{{{[hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and wishing you all the best

[Dervish]

I can see clearly with all that huging going on, how some people manage to acquire a thousand posts.
How much poetic licence or effort that must have gone
into all those hugs....sigh!...come on now.Don't you
realize sentimentality of that sort is plain paltry.
I don't know .Maybe I'm asking too much of those
who usurp on my momentary efforts.

[irish_angel]

Dervish, I enjoy the hugs thank you, and dont mind them at all, sometimes you dont need to say more , just knowing that people are out there and care, I dont understand you methods and if you dont mind, I dont need your comments if you dont have something nice to say about people. When you are alone, sometimes this is the best thing for you.

Take Care and may the demons that disturb you ease up so you can be a nicer person to those who are just trying to help.

********HUGS******* to those who care to have one.

[Myzen]

Irish,

Yes, the hugs mean that we have read your post and have empathy for you. I didn't used to understand about hugs (I thought they were a bit over the top) but I do understand now.

I'm not a very demonstrative type but -

(((((((((((((((((((Irish Angel)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope that you will be able to make the changes in your life, just one step at a time. Being here with us is part of that positive change IMHO.

Good thoughts, M

[irish_angel]

Thank you for all the hugs, I too thought before it was a simple way to say yeah yeah, now I look forward to them

Take Care