[Lonely in Va]

In a way its great that I am reading about other people who are struggling with their problems so I at leastI know I am not alone. Even though there are countless others in the same boat it does not help me because regardless I still have to deal with this myself like it or not. If you have read my intro to new members as well as my posts on depression and BPD I have already alot on my plate. It seems that I am either stressed or extremely stressed and being calm is almost foreign to me at this point. I strongly believe there is no point in having any friendships because either I will get burned ( which has happened - a so called friend stole meds from me and even when I confronted him about it and apologies were made I asked him to refill a pain perscription and never saw the meds or him again, I did file a police report and gave the officer all that I knew about this guy. ) or you meet someone who appears really nice and you think she seems to care etc. and you are there for her and when you need the help all you get is a slap in the face. No matter what takes place I am beyond paranoid and instead of reaching out I shut myself in. I am at the point that when someone says something to me such as my mother offering constructive critisim I take it wrong get upset and stay angry for awhile as in days weeks etc. I tend to stay inside most of the time do to severe knee pain ( chronic ) and for fear something bad is going to happen and I do want to deal with it. The bad part I hate being alone but I feel safe sort of until my depression really kicks in and I wind up in the ER and get transfered to Mental Health. This in turn promotes anger and distrust to all that try and help. I wish I could see a glimmer or spark of hope but all I see is myself spiraling out of control with no end in sight. I hate being in the hospital but for me it is a safe place and what worries me as much as I love my kids I am afraid of myself and wonder how I can manage with them here, my other fear I have several appointments set up this week and the following one of them is a pain doctor for my knee then a therapist the following week get set up for DBT therapy and Dept of rehab for trying to get back to work. My fear being that if I wind up back in the hospital it will look bad having to cancel appts. I truly hate myself my situation everything I consider myself a burden to everyone and I strongly feel that if I were gone I would not be missed and everyones lives would be so much better with me gone.

[itspeaks]

I worry about everything too. It won't look bad if you have to cancel an appointment for being in the hospital. If you are not in a good mental state then you need to do what is good for you. I don't know if this is helpful, I am not a counselor or anything and I am only 19 but it seems like it would be ok to cancel an appointment if it meant you might get some help. I haven't read your other posts so I don't know everything that is going on. If you wanna talk you can pm me. I hope you can find peace soon, anxiety is horrible.

[Aunt Donna]

I understand about the part of dealing with myself. Some days I can't stand myself, but I have to carry on. Don't worry about appointments or the such as long as you are getting the help you need. You have to take care of yourself. I am still struggling with depression.

[Lonely in Va]

Hello
I greatly appreciate everyones concerns but as I have stated before no matter how hard I try to reach out for help I do not get it. Case in point last night after my kids were picked up by my ex. I immediately got extremely nervous and felt that everything was going to pot. I called a M/H help line and I was told to go to the ED. of a local hospital for help. I got there at 7:30pm and left at 1am. I did talk to someone from M/H but for whatever reason there were no beds available at any of the hospitals in the area. Even though my situation is bad but because I am not going to harm myself ( although I think of this constantly but will not due to my children ) nothing was done. So far at least to me no one cares or seems to think my problems are worth resolving. I can only take so much and as of right now I have no intentions of doing myself harm I cannot predict the future which scares me. I am totally lost.

[sad and confused]

Hi Lonely, i really feel for you, i too am in the same situation where i would love to just end it all, but like you i cant because i too have children, it would be so unfair on them, i find it helps to look at their pictures when i feel like this and they are not around, take strength in their love for you, its all im holding onto right now!!!

[sundog]

I am so sorry. It is awful to hear about people reaching out for professional help and then not getting that help. How frustrating to go to the hospital and then to be sent home again to fend for yourself. It sounds as though you do have a therapy appointment set up and from what I understand you're about to start DBT. It's really good you have these helpful things lined up. Are you working with a psychiatrist on your medication? Can you get another appointment to discuss different med options since you are feeling so bad??

[wing]

So much of what you're saying sounds like how I felt before my medications were adjusted properly. I can understand why you have no faith in the healthcare system, but surely an appointment with a psychiatrist will help you sort things out. Therapy is great, but you have to be properly medicated before you can get much out of it. There are so many peripheral issues here that I think seeing the psychiatrist and getting on the right medication is the logical first step. Things may just start falling into place naturally after that.

[anjelmarie]

I'm sorry your feeling like this. It is horrible to feel like you don't want to be here anymore. I know because i feel that way pretty much every day. I don't act on my feelings because i know it would hurt people. Its strange because i rarely talk to or see my family or some friends but somehow i know they would have a difficult time if i took my life. Mostly I'm concerned for my bf and i wouldn't want him to deal with that. I don't have kids but i'm positive your kids would miss you, so would your family. I sometimes feel like a burden but believe me if you weren't here it would be hard on the people in your life. As far as the hospital experience. I have had bad experiences too. I don't even want to call them anymore because of it. I told my T. I should have complained to someone because they are supposed to be there to help people. What is the sense in telling people to call if your not going to help and take them seriously. You may want to tell your T. or your Dr. and maybe write an anonymous letter to the hospital about your experience. Please let your Dr. know how badly you feel maybe you need a different dose of your meds or different one altogether. I'm not sure just wanting to suggest anything that may help you. In the meantime continue venting here and getting support because that helps me. Hang in there.

Anjelmarie