[crystalbleach]

The following is intended for the doctors to see, and I was hoping for people's opinions. I haven't brought any of this up with doctors, before, so I'm really nervous and don't know what to expect.

Things are worse at night. I feel things watching me and people spying on me; could be things in the room, watching my every move, or people spying on me, from their houses. When I turn my back I feel like things are there; they make me feel more scared, than ever. I struggle to leave my bedroom to go to the toilet because I feel people are there, watching me and waiting for me. Everytime I go out, I need to protect my brain from people so they don't get inside my head and take things from me. Everytime someone looks at me, I got through the same thing of fighting them off, in my head, so they don't get things. The slightest noise scares me, sending my anxiety and paranoia, through the roof. It has crossed my mind on several occasions that people can walk through walls and have special abilities that they can use against me. Everyone is out to get me, it seems, and it has gotten to the point that I struggle to be out. Whenever I'm in the car, I think people are tailing me; keeping an eye on me. When I was younger, I used to talk to myself excessively; having full-blown conversations with myself. I struggle a great deal with eye contact, because I don't want people in my head. I struggle so much with looking at blank televisions, because they are more detailed and I can see things in them; it's getting progressively worse and has gotten incredibly hard to deal with lately. Even writing this, I'm extremely paranoid that people are going to use it against me in some way or another.

Another thing I find difficult to deal with, is the paranormal: I constantly feel spirits watching me, which sends me into a terrified state. A lot of the time I generally don't know what to do; shouting and screaming won't help, as I'm too scared to, so I tend to just lay on the bed, away from the edges, due to the fear of something grabbing me. I will lay on the bed, scared, shaking sometimes, and not knowing what to do. It's taken me this long to even remotely bring up this suibject; it's only with persuasion that I'm telling someone

[sundog]

Hi crystalbleach. Well done for writing this down. I hope you are going to show this to your doctor? I know that many people here will be able to relate to what you describe. There is help available and I really hope you can get started on some treatment very soon. Wishing you all the very best

[Lilleth]

I used to be scared like that and had to have the lights on all the time. couldnt close doors and the only relief I got was when I fell asleep but then the slightest thing I would jump out my sleep. My mother says I slept with my eyes open sometimes and she only realised this as when she came into the room and tried to speak to me as my eyes followed her around the room she assumed I was awake and wondered why I did not answer it was only one night she turned the light off and I screamed out that she realised that I had been asleep all the time. I spent years hearing things and seeing movements from the side of my eyes. As I had my children I didnt want them to grow up being afraid of the dark or thinking that there was something wrong with me. I decided that what ever was there was going to get me in the dark or the light so although I was afraid I said my prayers and turned the lights out shut my bedroom door and went to sleep. I am still afraid I dont know why but I know that the mind plays bad games with us and if something was there there is nothing I can do about it. I am told its just anxiety and depression amd sometimes I think i am going crazy.

[wing]

It shows a lot of insight to be able to describe your symptoms as you have, crystal. What you are describing sounds like a paranoia serious enough to treat with medication. It is the psychotic symptom I get when headed manic, and I've recognised it as a signal to go in for a med adjustment. My meds have now got rid of it all together. Abilify did it for me, but other anti-psychotics are just as effective.

[crystalbleach]

Thanks to you all. I've made an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday but I'm still not sure wether to show them this or not, I think I may need to as it's just gradually getting worse over time. This along with the other mental health problems I am having are really beginning to drag me down. I'm struggling with uni but thanfully my director of studies said that it would be ok to take some time out on medical grounds. Now I just need to get myself sorted and break the news to my mum in the process. Hopefully I don't need to stay at home for too long because I can see myself right back at square one. Granted I'm not fabulous at the moment but I'm doing better than I was at home.

[crystalbleach]

Doctors in a few hours and I'm dreading it but I guess it's something I need to do. Got to remember to breath.

[sundog]

GOOD LUCK!!!! ((((((((((crystalbleach))))))))))))) Sending you good vibes. Please let us know how you get on

[christa]

I honestly don't study these posts, your problems seem to relate to a diagnoses of Schizotypal Personality Disorder. I do not have the disorder, but I know about the symptoms, such as magical thinking. Actually I would bet that you have a textbook case, no offense.

[crystalbleach]

I went to the doctor and she said that she doesn't want to start me on medication for this as I'm going home in a few weeks so it will only complicate things but when I go home I have to go the doctor and ask to be seen at the mental health services again. She said they will probably prescribe me the proper medication I need and what not but TBH I'm not really caring anymore.

[sundog]

Hi ((((crystalbleach)))) I'm sorry you have to wait until you can start medication. I'm not sure why the doc you saw today wants you to wait until you see your doctor at home? Is there a counselor at uni you can talk to in the meantime?

[crystalbleach]

No, the thing is I'm leaving Uni to go back home which is why there is all this hassle and even if I was staying at Uni the counselling service won't see me because they only offer 6 weeks of treatment and I need long term help.

I give up, anyway.