[Emotionally Dead]

I haven't really told anyone about this, because it's really hard to talk about it. When I think about it, I have more anxiety. I feel very awful. I need to tell someone though.. To warn people, and to maybe get some help of my own. Maybe someone will have gone through this too...

I am still pretty young. I am an adult, but am a young adult. I've made a few bad decisions in my life, but not as many as most my age. I had a mother that walked out on me, and I had to grow up real early. I did that. I also said I wouldn't do any of the things I have seen other people do. Such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, that sort of thing. Well I failed in each case. I started smoking first. I did it for almost two years before I quit cold turkey. I've never really had an addictive personality, and quitting wasn't very difficult for me. I just told myself to stay away. I went back to it on occasion but never got to the point of smoking every day. I can now say I haven't picked up a cigarette in many months. The next thing I started was alcohol, and I still do that. I'm not an alcoholic in any way, but I do enjoy to drink. It's very rare. I have a job and I KNOW my responsibilities, and my work comes first. I also would never dare to drink and drive, or do it in public. I am a responsible person.

The last thing I failed at was drugs. I decided one day that I would smoke a joint of marijuana with a friend. It wasn't bad. Not the best feeling in the world, but not bad. I didn't enjoy it as much as a lot of people do, but continued to do it on occasion. Never did I feel real good but it was just something to do with friends. One day I did it with the wrong friend. He laced it, wouldn't tell me what was in it, and he was driving while smoking it. I felt like I was going to die. I got real hot. My body felt like it was floating, my heart raced. I started to black out. It was a bad trip and finally it was over. After about 45 minutes I felt alright. I was still high but I didn't feel like I was dying. I went to a better situation with a sober friend and we went and watched a movie, I was alright but I swore I would never do it again.

Well I lied to myself. This weekend after having a few beers I decided to try a legal brand. I was with my father who I hadn't seen in a while and so I felt comfortable. I wasn't thinking straight because of the alcohol and decided to try it. Worst mistake of my life. I immediately felt the same dreadful feeling I had felt before. I even told my Dad I felt like I was dying and we should call 911. I felt absolutely horrible, and after just two hits. My body got hot, my heart raced, I started shaking. I couldn't walk. I thought I was going to pass out. At times I started feeling like I was gone from this world, like this was my punishment and I had died. That nothing was real. It was horrible. I laid down under a blanket and the body heat I had turned into freezing cold. I started to feel real chilly. I began shaking uncontrollably. I thought I was having a seizure. I couldn't get warm even with a huge blanket over my whole body and cuddled up. I didn't know what to do other than wait it out. It started to subside after about two long hours. I started feeling better, and felt like I would be okay. I thought it was finally over... It wasn't.

The next day I took my siblings to the movies and to a store to pick out a toy. I hadn't seem them in a while and wanted to spend some time with them. A few times I had an episode of intense anxiety. I have anxiety disorder so it's not really uncommon, though I thought I had outgrown most of my anxiety and the episodes have been rare. That day wasn't anything too drastic though, other than when I drove myself home (which is an hour away) and it was very hard to concentrate on the road. I figured I was just tired. The next day I had to go to work. I had an intense anxiety attack. I started feeling like I was high all over. I couldn't see people straight, I got hot, I had the tingly feeling all over my face and body. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but the rest of the day I felt terrible. Same thing the next day, The THIRD day after the event. The spisodes got better the fourth day, and even better the fifth day, which was this Thursday. By Friday I felt almost completely normal, and today when I first woke up was the same thing. I slept too long today and had a bad migraine so I took some advil. I went over to my friend's house from work and talked with her and her husband. When I began to explain to them what happened this weekend I had another huge episode. The worst one yet. I started feeling high all over and it lasted for a while. I felt strange nearly the whole day.. I just don't know how this is happening. I know part of it is nerves, anxiety, paranoia, but it's still so rough.. It's the worst feeling you'll ever have in your life.

I just wanted to get my story out there. Today is a week since I did this. And I am still having side effects. I don't know what to do. I think I will be okay, but is this something that I have to live with the rest of my life? Or is this something life threatening? Could I have really done something that could kill me? I have so many mixed emotions and it's hard talking about this without having another episode but I need to tell someone.. To get some advice, some insight, maybe someone has went through this? Maybe I am not the only one? I also have been getting upset with people saying weed should be legalized. I used to say that too, until I actually did it. I now know that some people can not do this because they will have the same things happen I have. People need to realize that, and if there's anyone out there trying to make the decision of whether to try it or not please don't. It's for your own good. Some people do it and love it and some people have the effects I had.. And it's NOT fun.. It's a horrible feeling.

Thank you all for reading my story and any responses are appreciated..

[Miss Laura]

Hey Emotionally Dead,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Way to go on not smoking though and also the drinking you seem to be very grown up to be a young adult as you put it

Hmmm.... don't think the drugs help your anxiety or vice versa huh??!? I have never tried drugs so I really can not comment. But please be careful. Keep posting and see what other people say ok!!! Just wanted you to know I read your post

Hi Emotionally Dead.

I think any side effects you would have had from any drug would be out of your system after a week, but that is a guess...I'm not a doctor...

Because you said you have anxiety disorder, I think that could be making you feel like you are still having side effects...i had that happen to me once too.

Do you have a doctor you could have check you out? check your blood pressure, heart rate....i think you would feel better if you were looked at, and your doctor can give you advice....or recommend a counselor/therapist for you. it almost sounds like you might have been having anxiety attacks when you were telling your friends about it.

Whether or not it should be legalized is a whole different story - people have to make decisions based on their personal health - obviously it didn't make you feel good at all.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Cyran0]

Originally Posted by Emotionally Dead

I think I will be okay, but is this something that I have to live with the rest of my life? Or is this something life threatening? Could I have really done something that could kill me?

First, thanks for sharing your story as I'm sure that was hard when you still have such an intense reaction to it. Second, I'm not a doctor but I went through a period of my life where I did LOADS of drugs and know quite a bit about them. So, with that said, my two cents...

From how you describe the high it sounds like it was laced with some sort of speed (hard to say what kind). For someone with an anxiety disorder this is a terrible idea as it's going to feel like a health problem (heart attack or an asthma attack) and while high it's a slam dunk that that's going to cause a panic attack which in turn will feed into itself.

I think after that you were so traumatized by it that you now get the same panic attack when you think about it. If it were me the way I'd try to fix that is to get some evidence that I'm ok. A simple doctor visit could do it. Just, ya know, go in and get checked out. Tell them what happened if you want or just let them look you over generally and then you can reassure yourself with your newly acquired clean bill of health.

The only thing I can say that might make you feel better is that it's incredibly unlikely that the drug did anything permanent to you. And the things it could do aren't the things you describe. Also, if I'm right and it's speed there's no chance you still have any appreciable amounts in your system. Same with THC from pot, you've pretty much processed it. Now, don't get me wrong, you probably wouldn't pass a drug test right now but there's nothing in your body that you would actually re-experience, if you get my drift.

Again, I'm not a doctor but I think you'll be ok. And stop doing drugs, they don't agree with you.

Cyran0

[Emotionally Dead]

Thank you everyone for all the advice and replies, it's greatly appreciated. It's also nice to have some replies not being judged or anything like that. I was a bit worried about that.

I don't have a Doctor that I know and trust, but I guess I could go to one and talk to them about it, if I can gain the courage.

It is definitely something I never will do again. Like the last person said, it doesn't agree with me. Some people have no problem with it, enjoy it and all that, but apparently I am just not one of those people. I know that when I have these feelings I am not high all over again, but it is a terrible feeling. I have these anxiety attacks at work too and I hate it. I am still having them, it seems like it won't go away.. I guess my biggest problem is once they seemed to cease I told myself everything was fine and I was going to be okay and now I think I am just panicking myself to death. I think it'll be okay, or at least hope so, but I just don't want these feelings anymore.

It was definitely hard to talk about, I am still having my heart race a bit just by thinking about it, and I just hope that some people take it and try not to do any sort of drug. We just don't know enough about them, and anything can be laced without our knowledge. Thanks again for all the replies.

My thought is to see a general practitioner for a complete physical. I think telling your doctor about what happened would be very helpful. If you do not have a psychiatrist or therapist to talk to, you might want to get referred for a psychological evaluation. You may benefit from professional help to deal with the anxiety and panic. Perhaps you might think of them at life maintenance sessions?

[Cyran0]

I second the vote for a therapist if you're dealing with this much anxiety.

Cyran0