[2MuchCoffee]

I have had depression for years but now wonder if I have also had anxiety mixed in there, too. There are a few areas where I struggle with it and one of them centers around money. When I was young and first started out on my own, with my own apartment, job etc., I had a very difficult time financially, made some poor choices and ended up filing bankruptcy. During that time I avoided checking the mailbox and ignored my bank account.

When I got married, my husband agreed to manage our finances and that was fine by me! But now, 13 years later I'm single again and once again struggling with even checking my own mailbox. At one point in the last few months it was so bad that my mail carrier thought I had moved without notice and started having all my mail returned to sender. I missed a few bills and ended up with late charges before I realized what was happening.

I also struggle with staying on top of my bank account. I get so anxious about it that I can rarely bring myself to check it or balance it. I'm not dirt poor or anything, I do have money to pay my bills now for the most part. But with two kids to take care of, it feels even harder to deal with this time around. I'm all tied up in knots.

The same problem has also bled into my personal filing and organization. I separated from my husband a year ago, moved the kids and I into our own place. I got a desk, file cabinet, file folders and everything I needed to be organized, I just haven't been able to make it happen. Piles everywhere, I haven't filed anything. I know I have everything I need, I just can't find it. Grr! Frustrating. I'm so organized at work, have to be, but at home it's like something gets turned off inside me.

It's causing problems, some bigger than others. For instance, I paid by mail to renew my car license tabs, last September, but never received the tabs. But I forgot about it until a cop pulled me over last week to inform me. My tabs were current, just not on my car. oops

Both my kids are on IEP's at school for special needs so I have double the paperwork to keep track of to manage their education. Plus, I'm trying to get started again on my own education with an online class or two this summer - here comes more paperwork.

Right now I have a tote bag stuffed full of personal bills to pay, papers to file, docs to copy and/or fax to various places, all "action" items that MUST be handled NOW. But I can't bring myself to pull everything out and get it going. I've almost gotten so far behind that I'm too overwhelmed and don't know how to start again.

As if that wasn't enough, I also have a giant stack of divorce paperwork to complete. The house I shared with the hubs is in foreclosure and I'm being forced to file bankruptcy again.

This has to change, but I don't know what to do. I feel frozen. I can't talk to anyone about it because I'm just too overwhelmed and embarrassed, especially about the mailbox thing. I don't have a therapist, can't afford right now. No family either.

Can anyone relate? Any ideas on how I can get myself out of this frozen hole?

Thanks in advance for your time.

[greylove]

Oh freshpearl! I'm so sorry! I can't relate to this but probably to a million other things. Hubby does all that stuff, but when you mentioned going to the mailbox, that got my attention. The reasons are different but I don't even want to get the paper tossed in the driveway. Since my BP1 diagnosis and all the accompanying side effects and issues, I've pulled in from the world. I don't want to be seen by anybody......not even getting the paper. I wish I had words related to what you're asking, but I'm sure soon, other people will. It sounds like an awful lot on your plate. I think you should be commended for just getting up in the morning. I know people will come along with meaningful advice. I just want to tell you I'm sorry for all that you have to deal with. And, freshpearl......you can have "my time" anytime. Hugs......grey

[lastyearisblank]

How terrible ((((Freshpearl))))) I have gotten in that loop too. It's normal in small doses. I know people ask me to check their email for them, because they can't bear to look. But I know I'm on the upper end of that scale. I always procrastinate and then feel guilty. It sounds like you do too!

Do you have a close friend who could just sit down with you as you go through your mail? You could make a coffee date or something. Just with them knowing that as you talk, you need to go through the mail. In college, my friend who was really messy would ask me to come over whenever she was going to clean her dorm room and we would talk. My friend helped me collate my resume, something that would have taken weeks for me to get around to doing "perfectly", if he weren't around and pushing me to get it done. Some times we just need a little push.

Maybe someone could start a social group on here for people who want to meet little daily goals. I've been thinking about it...and I'm sure I'll get around to it.... eventually!

[Yoda]

I have a similar problem. I have a phobia or something with mail. For several years I have not read my mail. I carry it in and each load gets deposited somewhere else in a pile so I don't even know which mail is most recent. It has caused some problems. My son was to receive a court settlement and all I had to do was sign the papers but I never opened the envelopes so he lost the money. One year SSI wanted me to complete and return form on my daily functioning but I didn't see it and they cut my benefits off and I ended up living in my house with no electric or water. Only a battery operated radio and food packed in a picnic cooler. You would think I would learn but I am little better.

The best change is I now pay my utilities by phone so I don't have to keep track of the bills. I wish I knew how to organize better to be able to access what I need but I can't.

[Cyran0]

freshpearl, wow do I know that anxiety well. I'm currently in the middle of bankruptcy (just had my meeting of the creditors) and am on my last desperate attempt to avoid foreclosure which has to be settled in the next couple of weeks as I can't afford to sign the "I'm keeping the mortgage" documents as they exist now. Anyway, after dealing with so many collection agencies, creditors, lawyers, etc. I get jumpy when my phone rings, if I have to go through my mail, or if I have to look at my bank account.

I've been doing those things but yes I can relate to the anxiety attacks. I take a Lorazapam (Ativan or whatever), do some breathing excercises, and muscle through it. I know that's not much by way of advice but it's all I've got as that's all I've been doing.

I relate to what you're going through and it's hell so I'm so sorry that's happening to you. I'm glad you're here and I hope others have some more practical advice.

Your shipmate sailing on a sea of paperwork,

Cyran0

[lachrymose]

I'm terrible with the mail too! I don't have anxiety related to the mail, I'm just messy and disorganized.

I have a terrible habit of grabbing the mail as I leave the house (cause that's when the mailbox is on the drivers side) and letting it pile up in the car. I'll sometimes remember to pull out bills, but the junk mail piles up. My office is a disaster...takes me forever to find stuff. I'm a piler, so I tend to have piles of stuff everywhere.

I try to get as many bills delivered via email as I can. that helps a lot. I also use quicken to keep up with finances. I can download directly from my bank to the computer.

the less paper the better...that's what's helped me.

good luck getting it organized....I know what a battle that is.

[sundog]

(((((((((freshpearl))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. I'm like lachrymose. I'm not scared of the mail, but I am naturally disorganized. And I also tend to procrastinate.

I've had to force myself to use at least some kind of basic filing system. For incoming paperwork I have some of those wire tray thingies. I try and prioritize between urgent and less urgent and I put the urgent stuff in the top tray. I also like manila folders. I just write on the front what they're for ("home insurance" etc etc ) and then I try and file the paperwork in there as soon as I've dealt with it. For those days when I can't face even opening the mail, I have another wire tray which is kind of a "look at this tomorrow" tray!

Even this basic system can be hard for me to maintain!! But at least it's some kind of framework and it does help a bit. What it doesn't help with is the backlog of papers before I started using this system........

I really like lastyear's idea about trying to get together with a friend who could give you some moral support as you start sorting through the papers.

I'm really sorry you have so much on your plate ((((((((((freshpearl))))))))))))

[roses4me]

I am new here. My first reaction was...oh me too. This is the first time I have found someone with this problem like me.

I open the mailbox and take out the flyer and put them in the garbage and I take out the magazines and read them. Everything else stays in for a long time.
When I do take them out, they go into a pile.

I don't do very well at answering the phone either. Usually it is unplugged. My boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) gets annoyed and asks me why I even bother to have a phone. I tell him it is so I can call others. That way I have more control.

I pay my bills and do my banking by phone but now in addition to my original problems, I have problems with the revenu ministries because I haven't opened my mail.

Anxiety is getting in everywhere.
I am glad this forum is here,
I will be back.
At the very least, there are people like me. finally

[2MuchCoffee]

greylove - Thank you so much. Even if you don't think you're offering practical advice, your reply was so precious to me. Made me cry, but in a good way because I felt like someone cares and I'm not alone.

lastyearisblank - Sitting down with a friend is a great idea! Coffee would make it even better! I did that once with my bf, but I don't want to do that with him again. He always has to offer his advice and "coach" me. He means well and cares about me, but the way he says things comes out critical and harsh. I need someone who is not going to make me feel judged. On that note, I also need to work on finding new friends.

yoda - That sounds really difficult. Nice to know I'm not alone in my distress, but I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. I'm glad you're doing better.

Cyran0 -

Your shipmate sailing on a sea of paperwork

That gave me a funny picture and made me smile! Thank you! You do make a good point though about meds. I never used to "believe" in them, but since I was diagnosed with depression and started meds years ago, saw the difference they make, I've been on board. Anyhow, it may be time for me to visit my doc and review what I'm taking, see if any changes are in order. All I've had for a long time now is generic Prozac. To be honest, I've been afraid to take anything else.

lachrymose - I feel like I should smack myself on the forehead! Duh! I need to get my bills set up via email and online as much as possible. So many places are doing that now. I still feel like I need a paper copy to document that I made the payment, though. Or at least back everything up to a flash drive. But this is a place to start. Thank you!

sundog - Sounds like you've made a huge effort to organize yourself. Even if you don't feel it's "perfect", it sounds like you just went for it. That's what I need to do. I think part of my problem has been perfectionism, thinking everything has to be perfect before I can start, perfect printed file labels, the rest of the house has to be clean first, etc. Ya know? That kind of silly stuff. It keeps me distracted and frozen.

roses4me - It is nice to connect with others who can relate. I've been around here for about a month and already found a lot of encouragement. For someone like me, with no friends or family to talk to, my online friends at PC are a huge blessing.

[sundog]

Originally Posted by freshpearl

sundog - Sounds like you've made a huge effort to organize yourself. Even if you don't feel it's "perfect", it sounds like you just went for it. That's what I need to do. I think part of my problem has been perfectionism, thinking everything has to be perfect before I can start, perfect printed file labels, the rest of the house has to be clean first, etc. Ya know? That kind of silly stuff. It keeps me distracted and frozen.

((((((((((freshpearl))))))))))) As I type this I am sitting at my desk, which is looking particularly chaotic, despite my "filing system" It's really hard to get organized!!!! I do hear you about the perfectionism thing, even though I'm not a perfectionist. But I do have some very rigid black and white thinking. I really know how hard it is to get started on a task like this (sorting through mountains of paperwork). But sometimes I find that once I start, I gain some momentum and then it's a little easier to stick with it. It's the getting started part that is often the most daunting. Maybe you could try and start by making small inroads and have a goal of, say, opening 3 letters today?? Something like that??? Baby steps kind of thing?

Thinking of you and sending lots of love

[lachrymose]

email bills are a life-saver! a lot of places send either an email confirmation of payment or give you to option to print a receipt. I usually print it to a file on my computer and back that up t an external drive. I lost a lot of data a few years ago when my computer crashed and now back up everything. I don't want to lose pictures again!

[Open Eyes]

mail mail go away, don't come back another day!

unless it is chocolates or the lottery telling me i won!

[lastyearisblank]

Or some kind of chocolate lottery, I could get on board with that too....

[2MuchCoffee]

I did get a free lipstick from Cover Girl in the mail recently. So I was glad I checked it that day.

[sundog]

Originally Posted by 2MuchCoffee

I did get a free lipstick from Cover Girl in the mail recently. So I was glad I checked it that day.

Haha!!! That's the spirit!!!!!!

[2MuchCoffee]

Wow, pushing myself thru this has been a slow and arduous process. But I have to celebrate even small accomplishments at this point:

Yesterday I cleared off a messy table and used it to begin organizing my paperwork and overdue bills. (While I was doing that I found a past due Red Box movie I had lost a month ago. They already charged me for it, so I just paid $26 for "The Ring", a movie I don't even like that much. Ugh.)

Anyhow, I have a box for garbage and a pile for "filing". Once I'm done handling urgent things, like bills, I'll put those docs in my "file pile". Then at some point I will pull out my rolling file cabinet and get started on the filing that is a year overdue. That will also begin the process of clearing off my desk, which I hope to use again as an actual desk, not just a random storage center.

I still have urgent bills to pay. I also need to check into email billing and auto-payments for my bills, as I go.

[sundog]

Sounds like a GREAT start!!! Well, more than a start, actually. Good going!!! ((((((2MuchCoffee)))))

[Cyran0]

That's awesome 2MuchCoffee! Great job!

Cyran0

[2MuchCoffee]

Today I sent off payment on the biggest overdue bill. And I called them to set up an automatic monthly payment. They were willing to change my due date, too, to accomodate when I get paid.

That was fairly painless and broke the ice a little I think. So I'm looking forward to getting more of them done tomorrow. I'd like to do at least two, maybe even three.

[sundog]

Wow! Rock on!! That's fantastic!

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by 2MuchCoffee

Can anyone relate? Any ideas on how I can get myself out of this frozen hole?

(((2MuchCoffee)))

Yes, I can really relate. I get a sick feeling whenever I have to check my bank account. Wish I could offer more practical advice. All I can say is that medication and therapy are helpful. My thoughts are with you...

[2MuchCoffee]

Got caught up on the rest of my urgent bills. Got three more of them set up for online payment with my bank.

Continued getting caught up on laundry and dishes.

I've checked my mailbox consistently every day this week.

This weekend my kids are with their dad, so I have the house to myself. There is still SO much for me to get caught up, I'm not sure where to start next. But I am excited and feeling positive about the opportunity. Here is my list. I may not be able to get it ALL done this weekend, so I should prioritize a little:

• Clean off desk
• Start filing system
• Vaccuum stairs, spot clean Maddy stains
• Finish web site work for my only client, easy side money
• Create a work center for kids or should I set up their desks in their rooms? Can't trust them to keep pencils and crayons off walls or to keep papers organized. But they do need to learn sometime.
• Plant 3 flower pots on front porch
• Hang framed photos Lisa gave me (there are a lot of them!)
• Get back into divorce paperwork, pick up where I've left off (ugh, I'm dreading this but it HAS to get done)
• Hose down back deck and poop scoop yard (I'd rather do this than divorce paperwork!)
• Pick up and put away clothes in my room, organize closet. (My room is messier than my kids' rooms. It's embarrassing. )
• Re-organize kids' closets. Figure out better storage system for their clothes - bigger dressers?

Any thoughts?

[sundog]

Wow!!!! You're doing GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's awesome ((((((((2MuchCoffee))))))))