[SpiritSoar]

Hi everyone!

I've been dealing with a crop for about a year now and I finally came to see that a lot of it stems from anxiety, jealousy, and a lack of self-acceptance. I'm a bit disappointed in myself for this because for a long time I tried really hard to embrace all of who I am and this was my motto for many years.

Well, a few months ago, I experienced a panic attack that was...bizarre. At the time I was speaking to a man who tried to play the role of a guru in my life and because I loved him and did not totally trust myself and my instincts, I listened. I then had a panic attack out of fear that I was "being separated from God". For the months after the attack, I began to become anxious and jealous at others who had beautiful experiences in life and gave credit to God for it because I somehow feared I was being punished by God for some reason. I thought I would lose his unconditional love and that I had to work even harder for it.

Now, I know that when one is afraid of something, one has to face that fear. But this is a fear I'm not sure I know HOW to face! I realize that at the core of this fear is the idea that I can never EVER accept myself unless certain conditions are met. "I cannot accept myself unless I know beyond a doubt that God accepts me." It sounds silly but this is the idea that runs through my head and causes me a lot of anxiety. I have cried myself to sleep many nights over this fear that I had somehow completely ruined my relationship with God and would never be able to be forgiven; thus, permanent separation.

If anyone has a way of assisting...I know that I have to work through this fear myself. But I think the BIGGEST help I would like is on self-acceptance. I WANT to accept myself totally, and to get rid of the unnecessary jealousy from my life which seems to be the biggest cause of my anxiety.

[FooZe]

Hi SpiritSoar, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by SpiritSoar

... I somehow feared I was being punished by God for some reason. I thought I would lose his unconditional love and that I had to work even harder for it.

Lose his unconditional love because... you didn't meet the conditions for it?

I realize that at the core of this fear is the idea that I can never EVER accept myself unless certain conditions are met. "I cannot accept myself unless I know beyond a doubt that God accepts me." It sounds silly but this is the idea that runs through my head and causes me a lot of anxiety.

Two questions, if you don't mind:

1. I know this is sort of a bizarre notion but bear with me: What if it turned out to be God's policy not to accept you until you're willing to accept yourself?

2. You say this idea that runs through your head causes you anxiety, but how do you tell if it's that way or the other way around? How do you know, for instance, that it's not your anxiety that's causing the idea to run through your head, or something else causing both?

I've been finding that when I try to figure out logically what God is up to, it's not entirely safe to rely on my conclusions:

Kid: Can God do anything?

Parent: That's right!

Kid: Can he make a rock so big he can't lift it?

[Cyran0]

I fall pretty firmly into the secular humanist/agnostic camp so I'm not much help with religious issues. But I am sorry you're struggling. Anxiety is the worst and I don't care what the cause is, anyone dealing with it has my sympathy and support.

I'm sure others will have great advice for you. I hope you find some peace, spiritually and psychologically.

Cyran0

[SpiritSoar]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

Hi SpiritSoar, welcome to Psych Central!
Lose his unconditional love because... you didn't meet the conditions for it?

Two questions, if you don't mind:

1. I know this is sort of a bizarre notion but bear with me: What if it turned out to be God's policy not to accept you until you're willing to accept yourself?

2. You say this idea that runs through your head causes you anxiety, but how do you tell if it's that way or the other way around? How do you know, for instance, that it's not your anxiety that's causing the idea to run through your head, or something else causing both?

I've been finding that when I try to figure out logically what God is up to, it's not entirely safe to rely on my conclusions:

Kid: Can God do anything?

Parent: That's right!

Kid: Can he make a rock so big he can't lift it?

Oh yes! I love answering questions!

1. This a hard question to answer though...I keep erasing my response. In a nutshell, me not accepting myself totally has an impact on the way I experience life. It's one of those things where no matter how much love and kindness and acceptance another person gives, you can never accept it because you don't believe it or offer it to yourself. So I guess, God aside, I'm still trying to open myself up and be my own best friend.

2. It's because I know when it started exactly. I only have one moment when I ever have anxiety attacks and that's when the idea that "I need God to speak to me to ensure that he accepts me and I'm on the right track." pops into my head. And when he does not...I panic. "I must've done something wrong!" No other place or moment in time.

It sounds REALLY bizarre but it's what I'm dealing with. I know I can overcome the thought process and when I look at my mom and remember my grandma and their level of faith or the amount of countless others who have not seen or heard and yet believe, I know it's not impossible for me to trust without experiencing jealousy and discomfort as well. :/