[chipperdear]

It''s been awhile since I've posted on here, and I wasn't a very frequent poster (more of a lurker ). In my last post I was trying to work through the problem of whether or not to see a therapist, and whether or not my boyfriend was being supportive. I had also been put on Celexa.

An update on the issues: Broke up with the boyfriend (and have been single since), ended up not being able to take Celexa (made me space out and unable to concentrate on anything). Never was able to get a referral to the psychologist and couldn't afford one outside of the health system (no insurance). I have been doing a lot of self examining though, and have pinpointed my main problems: I have a fear of intimacy, and my social anxiety is showing itself in different ways now that my circumstances have changed.

I've posted a similar thread on a different discussion board hoping for some different insight, but I'm not getting much response there and decided to bring it here.

In a few months I receive insurance through my employer that covers 50% of the cost of mental health services, and I should be able to pay the other half out of pocket. This means I don't have to try to get a referral out of my family doctor to see the psychologist in the system I belong to, and can "shop around" a bit to try and find one who will fit my needs. There aren't many options around here (I live in a very rural area), but I should be able to check out a couple therapists. The issues (copied from another forum) I want to address are:

1. I feel anxious when having to go somewhere I've never been before (I worry about where to park, if I'm in the right place, will I go to the right door, etc) - I try to avoid this or have someone else drive

2. I can't (or at least don't) get close to people. I don't necessarily have a problem trusting people, but I never feel attached (if that makes sense). I have people that I consider friends, but I feel like I consider them to be better friends than they consider me.

3. I tend to idealize relationships (with friends, family, and any romantic interests) in my head instead of establishing those bonds in real life because, in fantasy land, things go the way I want them to and everyone meets my needs. I'm not talking about schizophrenia here, but many people with Avoidant Personality Disorder do this. I think this is causing me to distance myself from everyone in real life. I also think this is causing me to not date anyone because they won't be able to live up to the people I've created in my mind. I don't expect the people in my life to be perfect or to fit the mold I've created, but how can anyone compete with these idealized "people"?

4. I have a fear of not being good enough. This applies to many situations, including sexual performance, work performance, humor, academics, etc. I don't expect to be the best at everything I do (or anything really), but I want to be above average at some things. I want to have people say "oh, she's really good at that, ask her to help you" or "great job at work yesterday". I want to be respected and appreciated every now and then (not everyday, but when I deserve it at least). I try to avoid situations where I don't know how to do something or if I know I'm not good at it

5. I think I have low self-esteem when it comes to my physical features. There are some parts of my body that I'm not happy with (that other people seem to like), and it makes me extremely self-conscious. I try to hide my body (it doesn't work very well, but at least I have the peace of mind knowing I try) because I perceive the attention as negative. I've been teased/made fun of for years about the way I look (I don't think I'm unattractive, but I know I'm not a 10...probably closer to a 5 or 6), but I know several people that find me attractive. I've just conditioned myself to believe it's for the wrong reasons.

6. I want people to see me as independent and capable. I try to take on the more physically demanding jobs at work (even though I'm pretty small) just to prove to others that I'm not some little princess who needs people to do everything for her. I show up early, leave late (covered in dirt/grease/grime), work overtime just to show I'm a hard worker who isn't afraid to put in my time. In itself it isn't a problem, but I think my motivation for doing this stems from #4 above, which I think is a problem.

7. I never go out, even when I have the time. I get anxious at bars, so I avoid them the best I can. There isn't much else to do around here other than a local community college to take classes at, but I've pretty much exhausted that resource - my work schedule being the way it is, there are only so many courses offered when I'm available to take them. I've thought about going to church, but my work schedule gets in the way of that too. I have been going out after work with a few friends to a low key bar, but I don't drink while I'm there. I find it incredibly boring and I have to fight off the anxiety the entire time, but I'm at least making the effort to go instead of just instinctively declining.

Someone mentioned on a previous post of mine on here that I seem to get depressed when I'm not around people, but that I push them away when I'm around them. I want to be close to people, but I pull back when people get too close to me because I either don't want to get hurt or I feel like I'm being played/used, depending on the person/relationship. I have a very hard time trusting the intentions of guys, and I feel like anyone who is interested in me only wants to "have some fun", that I'm not good enough for them to actually care about in a long term romantic sense.

Since the last trip to the doctor to see about getting a referral to the psychologist (when I was put on Celexa), I feel like my problems won't be taken seriously if I do decide to go to a therapist.

I haven't had any problems with my new job (now that I've gotten out of retail), and the depression seemed to go away after I dumped the boyfriend about a year ago (not sure if it had to do with that or not though). I also successfully finished college and moved out on my own, so I've eliminated some of the problems I had mentioned in my previous thread. Most of you guys have more experience with this sort of stuff than I do, so if I could ask, do you think I should see a therapist, or am I completely overthinking the problems in my life?

[jitters]

Therapists aren't just for people with mental illnesses, they're there for anyone who's going through a rough patch or just needs an objective, experienced perspective on their situation. I think you would absolutely benefit from therapy. If you have AvPD, I think therapy is probably the best place for you.

Out of curiosity, how long were you on the Celexa?

[chipperdear]

Originally Posted by jitters

Therapists aren't just for people with mental illnesses, they're there for anyone who's going through a rough patch or just needs an objective, experienced perspective on their situation. I think you would absolutely benefit from therapy. If you have AvPD, I think therapy is probably the best place for you.

Out of curiosity, how long were you on the Celexa?

I was in Celexa for about a month and a half. I know these medications can take a few weeks to get into your system, so I stuck it out as long as I could, but I needed to be able to focus and concentrate on college. The side effects weren't worth it for me.