[HalfSwede]

I think I have a lot of social anxiety, and I think it comes down to this: I'm afraid that if I express a desire to be part of a group, no one will want me to be in the group, and I'm afraid that if I act like I'm not interested in being part of the group, I won't be part of the group. So, no matter what I do, I can't be part of the group. I know that has to be some kind of disordered thinking, a cognitive distortion like black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking. I also know there has to be a middle ground, but I don't know what it is yet. I'm embarrassed to still not know the answer at my age, but I'm determined to keep asking the question until I figure it out.

[Perna]

I switched my thinking to myself more often and working on feeling myself to be "centered" or "balanced" rather than trying to find an intellectual, middle of the road thought answer only. We are whole beings, you can't really split out feelings from thinking and actions, the conscious from the unconscious (because you get the pre-conscious and the dream state which is based on actual experience and symbols of one's own (so "conscious") and there's day dreaming, etc.)

A dream I had where there were two, full, paper grocery bags on a high pickup truck hood and I had to lift them both down at the same time to carry into the house without dropping or spilling them really taught me a lot. The focus was on a feeling, the feeling of the instantaneous balancing act my body did unconsciously. I did not have to will it or think about it or "hope" for it, it just happened; my body knew its job and did it!

"Deciding" one can or cannot be part of a group, forgets that the unconscious group dynamic is there and has its own ideas too. Think of mobs and how they behave differently than we would as individuals (one of my degrees is in sociology, LOL :-)

You literally cannot know what will happen with a group until you engage individuals in the group, one-on-one (as one cannot interact with more than one person at once; this post is specifically in response to your post -- while others might get something from reading it, it is not addressed to them so they are taking something for themselves but I am not giving it to them, it is not and has never been mine because I have not been in dialog with them. If they comment on what I say, talking to you, then they and I interact and you are not part of it) so no amount of prethought can help you.

The group is made of individuals; approach the most approachable/known individual and ask, "Hey, can I come too?" when you have heard they are doing something (or, "Hey, I heard you all are going to the movies, can I tag along?"). If it is just a gathered group at school or work, you walk up to the person you know the most and say, "Hi, HalfSwede, what's going on?" (or listen to whoever is speaking and a couple people's comments and then offer your opinion or just "agree" with what you hear if you do agree with someone, looking at them and smiling and nodding your head in approval of them as you also say, "That's what I think!").

Groups are a lot like drops of water (or mercury) that are attracted to each other and form a larger blob. If the blob gets too big, it naturally divides up into something easier to work with. So, approach the group and tell yourself you are a drop of water helping them make up a more interesting or useful blob :-) Pick the group based on your interests rather than just to be part of a particular group, the I-wish-I-was-like-them mistake. If you are a nerd, you probably aren't going to be able to attach to an athletic group due to lack of things in common.

[HalfSwede]

Originally Posted by Perna

the I-wish-I-was-like-them mistake. If you are a nerd, you probably aren't going to be able to attach to an athletic group due to lack of things in common.

I keep making this particular mistake over and over again. I somehow convince myself that I am like the people in a particular group, when I haven't taken the time to get to know people well enough to make that determination. I had one therapist tell me it can take a good ten years to build up some kind of social life once you move to a new location. We've only been here for three, and I can't resist the urge to make things move more quickly for myself socially.