[corpsegrinder]

hi all, noob here. have a few questions and thoughts for you (long read)

im having a hard time trying to figure out if im bi-polar of if i just have generalized anxiety. wanted to get others thoughts before i commit to a professional.

it all started when i was young. mom and dad split up at the age of 13. i was abandoned for the most part as it is often the case with kids from split houses. mom and dad both per suing new lives without much time for the kids. i think this may have lead to abandonment issues early on. dropped out of high school at the time. not because of the lack of focus, but because the social scene was too much for me. i couldn't talk to people and found myself with a large plate of armor over my soft inner side. this reason is still unknown to me why armor was erected. i can only think that during my upbringing, i fought tooth and nail with my brother. this could have cemented a deep darkness inside of me.

my will to be social collapsed. but inside of me, there was this lonely little kid. a small child sitting on the swings of a playground hoping someone would come out and play with him. but the child sat inside of a wreath of thorns. no one could enter this place. i have had emotional swings for most of my life. extreme happiness followed by deep dark pits of hate and darkness. as a person who wears my emotions on my sleeve, everyone could see this. everyone avoided me because it was like walking on egg shells.

so my brain decided to shut down the emotional part. i became robotic and this allowed me to interact with others because without emotion, i had less anxiety. i had less mood swings and people where not scared of me. i went through this robotic life for 15 years before i woke up again. i was married and unhappy because my partner was also a robotic emotionless person. i got divorced and decided to change my life.

unfortunately for me, i engaged in a relationship with a person whom was already committed to someone else. this brought up a ton of new emotions and issues. but there was something inside of me that was looking for acceptance even though i would never get that from this person. this grew my disorder immensely.

I am now to the point where i get panic attacks, delusions and deep thought running out of control about things that are not happening, loss of sleep(have to take sleeping pills nightly), intense mood swings, fear of the unknown, fear of crumbling into a lifeless hermit/shutin and being powerless to stop it. fears of facing a cold, dark world. my whole body heats up, my heart races fast, my mind goes cloudy, i lash out verbally with very damaging words to anyone around me.

i know that i have to get out of this relationship with this person. they are making it much worse. i want to run away, but my abandonment issues surface and i stay. my fear of being alone creeps in and i cannot cut the tie.

my mood swings make me think i am severely bi-polar, but i think that the anxiety also plays a part in this.

what does the forum think about this. obviously i have to get away from my relationship situation. what about my disorder? should i seek help?

thanks for listening.

[doglover5]

Hi! How was your relationship with your parents before they divorced? And how was the environment you grew up in? Think about these things then read about borderline personality disorder & see what you think. I would definitely agree with seeing a professional though. They'll help you sort through everything much better than we can here! take care!