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#1
Mar 03, 2012, 06:55 PM
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People with social phobia take every rejection or perceived disapproval as proof positive that we are fundamentally inferior to others and therefore unloveable, unworthy, and doomed to be outcasts. But, there are 11 GOOD reasons (at least in the minds of most people) to reject us, which have absolutely nothing to do with your personality. These "red flags" are the following:
1. Depression 2. Anxiousness 3. Loser attitude 4. Life failures 5. Bad reputation 6. Bad social skills 7. Neediness 8. Being overly excited 9. Anger 10. Taboo behavior 11. Psychological problems If you display any of the above to most people they will automatically "red flag" you as a someone they don't want to be involved with. They are not actively searching for these red fags (unless you are a guy dealing with a girl), but they are passively scanning you to see if there are any. When you show an indication of one of these flags their interest is alerted and they start to pay more attention to see if their impression was correct. People generally feel repulsed or "creeped out", or otherwise turned off by these flags but it's not their fault. It may feel prejudicial as if we were being "persecuted" by an unfair world, but in reality this is just how people are - including ourselves. We do this to other people as well. It's important to realize how our behavior can explain 99% of all rejections and bad encounters with other people. On investigation you will find it unnecessary to attribute bad encounters with others to some flaw in your personality, (e.g being stupid, boring, weird, etc), or to "blushing". Understand as well, that you cannot hide these "flags" and that doing so will in fact reveal other flags much sooner than they would have been discovered if you had made no effort to disguise them. Trying to put on an act so that people don't see what's wrong with you, will only expose your low-self esteem and anxiety, and paint you as "dishonest". Wearing "masks" is the quickest way to get rejected. The only real solution is to get rid of the flags in the first place, and the major way to do that is to improve self-esteem to a healthy level, and debunk anxious thoughts. There's simply no other way around it. |
 dillpickle1983, Marla500, Onward2wards, Rosie23
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#3
Mar 07, 2012, 11:26 PM
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Absolutely. In vice-versa, Self esteem will also play an important role in overcoming these red flag behavior. Thank you for sharing.
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#4
Mar 08, 2012, 12:41 AM
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This is amazing, thank you for your addition to the knowledge base. Some of this I didn't know or my perception was different.
__________________
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#5
Mar 08, 2012, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
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#6
Mar 08, 2012, 03:42 AM
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Quote:
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#7
Mar 08, 2012, 12:14 PM
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Too much concentration on other people! If you like yourself, you don't see/care about rejection from others and that takes care of the "problem".
No one is "scanning" you for problems, they have their own; that they are concentrating on themselves is no indication that they do not like you, what they are doing is not about you. "Perceived disapproval" are the operative words; the disapproval is usually not actual but all in one's own head and heart. If you have one friend, one person who cares for you and loves you, you are lovable and worthy friend material. Concentrate on why that friend likes you and start believing what they say instead of calling them liars because you don't see it yourself. You don't get to judge yourself harshly because you are all you have and you are "you" and the best and only you there is and that is wonderful!
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#8
Mar 10, 2012, 11:34 PM
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Saying people don't scan other people for problems is like saying we are in a perfect world and people don't judge people when they do.
People who focus on those red flags are ones who can't relate to it or understand it. Some people see those red flags as temporary because maybe you just need to get used to the person. Then you have the complete snobs who just turn thier nose up at you. People make the mistake of expecting other people to be perfect even though they are not perfect themselves. People like US who relate to each other and understand each other can see past it and get to know the person. There are many reasons why people reject other people. It is the world we live in. A lot of people constantly have self defense mechanisms and can always find a reason not to like someone.
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Invictus it matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. William Ernest Henley |
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