[Phoboxyl]

One of the main reasons I believe I am inferior is because I am afraid of other guys, including men my own size. This is actually the thought which initiated my collapse in self-esteem and general anxiety disorder that occurred at the start of 6th grade. I am afraid of other guys because of four reasons:

1. I cannot defeat them as they are too big and strong.

2. They know that I am not able to defend myself against them by my size or my attitude, and therefore they are likely to mistreat me.

3. If I fight I will lose and be seriously injured.

4. If I fight I will lose and be shamed beyond recuperation.

I genuinely believe all of those things. I'd like to point out that I am not short at all (almost six feet), and I weigh a lot apparently (~190), but I am NOT strong enough. All of my size is skeletal and fat (I'm slightly chubby by fitness standards), I have very little muscle because I don't work out or do athletic sports or heavy work. I don't do those things because I was afraid to and only in the last few years have I been able to change this. Recently my anxiety has lowered enough that doing gym again shouldn't be too hard. But, until I can get myself to do the new routine and get results I am still dangerously weak.

I also want to point out that while I feel like a coward I am certainly not a complete ******. I have been in a fight before against a huge person and I didn't run away, although I didn't engage him either (it was a streetfight and I was buying my friends time). I have also been willing to have my *** beat by somebody much stronger after he punched me. Luckily I was saved by the cops and never had to fight him after I stated towards him. I will fight someone to protect companions or a girl. BUT, all that being said, if there is anyway out I will not fight most people I OUGHT to be WILLING to fight because I am afraid of them. So I am mostly weak and could be said to be a *wimp*, rather than a pu**y.

Anyway, I have recently come to understand that there are different levels of "being afraid" of someone. This has all come together since having a few altercations in the last two years with people I was genuinely not that afraid to fight. One time involved a guy much smaller and weaker, where I was armed with a bottle that I am quite certain could have knocked him unconscious or worse. My perspective has therefore changed from "all or nothing" or "coward or hero" thinking to a more realistic position. The result is that I feel less like a "total ******" more like a "normal guy" who just happens to not have enough strength. Here is my new thinking:

There are five levels of being afraid to fight another guy:

1. I am not afraid to fight him.

2. I am afraid to fight him because he is a possible threat and it's not worth it.

3. I am afraid to fight him because he is a credible threat, but I will do it if he really pushes me.

4. I am afraid to fight him because I will lose, but I will do it if he assaults me.

5. I am afraid to fight him because I will lose, but I will do it if there is absolutely no other option.

I have another level or reason. Afraid to fight due to the fear of losing control and hurting someone seriously. I'm not sure if that fits in your scheme but there it is.

[Mike_J]

The one thing my big brother taught me was there are worse things in life than getting beat up.

One thing that might help is knowing that if you get in a fight (something I recommend you try not to do) as long as you don't start it in the long run you won't loose. Yes you might get beat up, seriously injured, but the other guy yea he is going to jail. And you will get to send him a post card while he is sitting in his cell and ask him if he still thinks he "won" the fight.

I have avoided fights by simply letting the other guy know that if they so much as touch me I will press charges. There are a lot of guys who still have the 6th grade mentality that if you get in a fight it's not a big deal, but as adults when people realize that starting a fight is a ticket to jail time makes people often rethink their attitude.

That is why often bullies (especially adult ones) try to goad the other person into throwing the first punch, then they are just defending themselves.

[Phoboxyl]

Originally Posted by George H.

I have another level or reason. Afraid to fight due to the fear of losing control and hurting someone seriously. I'm not sure if that fits in your scheme but there it is.

That fits into the second category "It's not worth it". One of the reasons I did not fight the guy when I had the bottle was that to be sure I would win I needed to use the bottle, and I wasn't willing to do that.

Hi Phoboxyl. I can't advise obviously because to address violence is just too heavy for me chat about. If I might just make some observations about why you might be so concerned about this ok? I mean no disrespect or mean to downplay your concerns. I hope it has some relevancy.

To have these concerns is normal about this part of life. In most cases this kind of stress seems to be around in ones mind when one is young/er. Teens to a few yrs beyond mostly. In most people these concerns decline as we age and naturally mature.[not implying you're immature...it's a diff. meaning] I don't know how it tapers off but it seems to. With no leftover problems to any large degree if you were streetfighter extrordinare or not. Situations and places usually change through jobs, education, new social experience and so on. That natural feeling a younger person has at a time when every hormone is firing at peak and the wish to not appear weak in the eyes of peers,[that is to say the folks you hang with] is something that can happen. Some of it is social and environmental[where you live for example and the circle of people you are associated with] And some of it, is a young persons trying to find his place in a world where it seems that you have to make a mark to feel respected. Todays world in this respect is a lot harder than when I went through this stuff.

Like I've said, I've been there. Uncountable numbers have. It's an age old batch of emotions that you're experiencing. Not everyone has the problem to the same degree but the anxieties about doubts and fears, being able to stand proud and brave and keeping a good feeling of self respect are almost universal. In ones youth I mean. This is when this stuff occupies our thoughts for the first and most intense times.

I may be wrong but are you a younger feller? If so then what I said has a ring of truth. All I'm suggesting is that some of your feelings at least can be partly explained. That might give you some relief from your worry. If I'm miles off for some reason you may let me know. I don't like hearing someone being too tangled up about this stuff.
I wouldn't have gone on about my thoughts on this but I just had to speak to you. This stuff can be tough to think out at times. it's good you posted. Hope the posts back give you some ammo to fight the worries instead.

[Phoboxyl]

Thanks for your thoughts quick. I would have to say that while a core of my thoughts really is "age old" and normal, the mantel surrounding it is pathological and driven by my a social phobia. It is in no way shape or form healthy or acceptable. It is a serious issue which has crippled my sense of self-worth.