[The Wobbitt]

Hey everyone. im in high school, and Im kind of new here so i should probably start off from the very beginning. If you start reading this, then please read it all the way through so you will understand. I'll be brief. So I play the cello, but I like to watch TV as well, no big problem there. but one day my mother told me to play the cello instead of watch TV, even though I had already played for a good three hours that day. This is a common occurrence in my household, and normally wouldnt have been a big deal, but for some reason, I got Extremely angry about it. I had an angry, irrational thought about murdering my parents. immediately I felt uncomfortable about it. I couldnt sleep that night thinking I was going insane. I wasnt even angry about the incident anymore, but the thoughts still ran through my mind. My imagination shot up gory images of me hurting my parents without me even wanting it too. I felt helpless and "oh my god, this is really bad, im going to kill my parents". I talked to my parents about it, an they told me that everyone has irrational thoughts and that I should just forget about it. But I couldnt. About a month later, I am still plagued by these disturbing thoughts. even after talking to a psichiatrist, psycologist, several friends, and even people who have gone hrough the same experience. Sure these people provided comfort, but it didnt last long. I am now taking an antidepressant, and talking to a psychiatrist on a monthly basis. I dont think I would hurt my parents, but the thoughts are so strong sometimes that they make me think about what would happen if I did. I think sometimes "everything would look the same, blue would still be blue, squares would still be squares" etc. I know of course, that my lifestyle would be completely different withou my parents and that I wouldnt have anybody to care for me without them. Sometimes I can push the thought out of my head, sometimes I cant. It really is starting to wear down on me emotionally, i am starting to feel like a wreck, as some of my sentences might portray. sorry about that. I just need to hear some encouragement and maybe some advice from those who have experienced the same problem. I would be grateful to anyone that replies, and god bless you all. Hope you are all having a better week than I am

Sorry, I know I said Id be brief, but theres so much to say.

[whoswho]

I certainly do not think you are going crazy. Has your psychiatrist mentioned anything about OCD or intrusive thoughts? Such thoughts that you have described (disturbing, unwanted thoughts that have little to do with your actual desire yet are persistently brought up in your mind) sounds a lot like that. Of course, I'm no doctor, but I'll give you some links to some information and if it strikes a chord with you perhaps you can mention it. I have had a similar problem and was so ashamed that I did not mention it to anyone for years! To my relief, I finally discovered that I wasn't completely insane, but had a legitimate concern that many, many other people have as well.

Take care of yourself, and good luck!

Personal Experience of OCD

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[Alcinus_of_chell]

Originally Posted by The Wobbitt

Hey everyone.

Good morning The Wobbit!

Originally Posted by The Wobbitt

I had an angry, irrational thought about murdering my parents. Immediately I felt uncomfortable about it. I couldnt sleep that night thinking I was going insane. I wasnt even angry about the incident anymore, but the thoughts still ran through my mind. My imagination shot up gory images of me hurting my parents without me even wanting it too.

Look man, it's not going to go away if you keep obsessing about it. What you gotta do is break its power over you, which is easy for me to say, but its still true.

I couldnt sleep that night thinking I was going insane.

And that would be what's giving it it's power over you, all that worry and stress, you just gotta let it go.

Originally Posted by The Wobbitt

I am now taking an antidepressant, and talking to a psychiatrist on a monthly basis.

If you're depressed as a result of these thoughts, and your anti-depressant isn't a straight happy pill it won't do jack *****.
I mean think about it, most anti-depressants are created around the theory that clinical depression is the result of chemical imbalances in the brain, and according to a recent study (Which verified conventual wisdom) they don't have a demonstrable effect on people who aren't clinically depressed If your depressed as a result of these thoughts then you're not depressed as a result of chemical imbalances in the brain, then the meds that work by fixing the imbalance won't work.

Originally Posted by The Wobbitt

I dont think I would hurt my parents, but the thoughts are so strong sometimes that they make me think about what would happen if I did.

Yeah, you don't wanna do that. Probably the worst thing you could do short of acting on 'em. Which, on the up side, widens the field of possible solutions to this portion considerably, just do something, anything, that'll distract you, I guarantee there's something that will.

Originally Posted by The Wobbitt

I just need to hear some encouragement

You can do it!

[Marla500]

hello Wobbitt! there might be more than one thing going on here of course but in my personal experience these are the kind of thoughts that I have when depression is starting to rise up again....it's not that I want to do anything but rather that I start thinking what if this happened or what if I can't control myself and do something bad? it's just really irrational thinking that seems to exist to scare the *&^% out of me.

[Ipod1]

Sounds like some OCD to me. But I'm not a pro. I have experienced it though. It's harm OCD to be specific.

[The Wobbitt]

Im feeling a little shaky today, I am still having thoughts but keeping busy helps tremendously. I think the main thing that disturbs me right now is how incredibly vivid the thoughts are. Sometimes the thoughts are so strong that it makes me feel like I almost WANT to do it. I am terrified. I need to calm down and relax, but the thought alays penetrates my mind. Its really wearing down on me emotionally.

By the way, hope its not too unusual to post on my own thread, just thought id update and THANK YOU ALL FOR your support!!!!!! I think that this is helping me and hopefully it is helping someone else as well.

[vantagepointtx]

I think that you need to have your medication reviewed by a psychiatrist. If you are in high school, there have been some problems that have been associated with adolescents taking anti-depressants, so it is best to have a professional review this. I know you are likely ashamed of your thoughts, and they are likely causing some anxiety, but you should feel proud that you are doing something about them before they get out of control. If you feel an urge, be sure to either call 911 or go to the ER right away. This is not something to play with. I'm not trying to raise your anxiety further, but it is important to stay vigilant here. Call your doctor ASAP and get in to see a psychiatrist.

Someone above mentioned OCD, and the symptoms you mention are OCD like. Ways to tell if this is impulsive or obsessive is to ask yourself if you have had impulsive thoughts and behavior in the past. Have you ever been aggressive? Have you had other thoughts that you could not get rid of in the past? If so, OCD is a likely answer to this. Therapy and medication can greatly help deal with these symptoms.

The moral of the story is to get in to see a psychiatrist and look for a therapist who can handle OCD.

This thread is yours...you can post as often as you want. Sounds like you're having extreme anxiety. It's probably hard to tell if that's a cause or a reaction to those thoughts. Did the subject of these thoughts come up in your talk with the psychiatrist?

[twinarmageddons]

I don't think you're crazy! I think that this has just developed into a sort of fear and compulsion, is all. I think you are slightly traumatized by the fact that you would even think something like that. I remember this happened to me when I was very small, like 7 or 8. I had this warped thought of "What if I killed my parents?" And then these horrible images would come to mind, and then I felt like a horrible person. I wanted to die, and that spiraled into more thoughts. "What if they die for another reason?" and then the images of typically gorey deaths of them made my want to die. This fear ran with me for awhile, and I would constantly ask my parents if they were okay, and if they were going to die. This eventually just faded out, and I know when I get these types of thoughts now, to just block them out. I know I would never hurt my family, and it is just a silly image in my mind. I think you know the same thing, but you are shamed by the guilt of these images and thoughts.
Don't worry about it! Everything will be okay. Sounds like some anxiety problems to me, which I have as well.

[Marla500]

If these thoughts are very powerful you should indeed talk to your pdoc, it is possible your meds need to be adjusted-that is not unusual. good luck and let us know how you are doing

[The Wobbitt]

Originally Posted by George H.

This thread is yours...you can post as often as you want. Sounds like you're having extreme anxiety. It's probably hard to tell if that's a cause or a reaction to those thoughts. Did the subject of these thoughts come up in your talk with the psychiatrist?

yes, they did. Unfortunately, we have only met twice so far, and I wont be seeing him again until may 3rd or so. We meet on a three week basis. I am still feeling anxious, but I dont think my medication is causing this, since I started having the thoughts before I took the meds. I will definately talk to him though.

[Alcinus_of_chell]

Originally Posted by The Wobbitt

Im feeling a little shaky today, I am still having thoughts but keeping busy helps tremendously. I think the main thing that disturbs me right now is how incredibly vivid the thoughts are. .

Um, You could try something serious in the caffien line (think quad+ espresso), It's the same sort of thing (a stimulant) they proscribe for ADHD and it can really help with getting rid of this sort of thing.
But, I'm really hesitant to suggest this for as I've got no idea if it would work, also caffien affects different people in different ways, and I can't quite verify it with personal experience (almost, but not quite)
So take the above advice at your own risk

One thing that I can confidently recommend is weight noise, something like music (I find music with lyrics but in another language to work far and away the best, also a faster beat is preferable, something like

though of course your taste may be different), or a running engine, or even a low frequency hum, can help tremendously.

[The Wobbitt]

Hey guys, just thought Id update. I felt a little better today since I had school and I kept my mind off of things. But now that my Mom is almost home i feel anxious again, and Im not sure why, or even how anxious I am. I think that its because the disturbing thoughts involved her, and that scares me. Maybe Ill be able to pull out of it. I just get scared sometimes. also lost my phone in my house today, which doesnt help much. Again, thank you all for your support.

Originally Posted by The Wobbitt

Hey guys, just thought Id update. I felt a little better today since I had school and I kept my mind off of things. But now that my Mom is almost home i feel anxious again, and Im not sure why, or even how anxious I am. I think that its because the disturbing thoughts involved her, and that scares me. Maybe Ill be able to pull out of it. I just get scared sometimes. also lost my phone in my house today, which doesnt help much. Again, thank you all for your support.

Anxiety is a monster that feeds on itself. Also anxiety causes disturbing thought>disturbing thoughts cause anxiety etc etc
If you haven't found your phone, try calling your number from another phone