[BringMeTheSanity]

I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD.

Last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??

P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?

P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community.

[Skeezyks]

Hello BringMeTheSanity: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find what it is you came here looking for.

I'm afraid I don't really know what to tell you about what you wrote. I'm an older person... male... but transgender... although I never did anything about it. I grew up at a time, & in a place, where there were boys & there were girls. And if you didn't happen to fit neatly into one of those categories, you darned well kept it to yourself if you knew what was good for you! The only kinds of relationships that were allowed (at least openly) were of the heterosexual type.

Anyway, it's only fairly recently that I've become educated to the fact that there are many resting places along the sexual orientation continuum. There's not only heterosexual & homosexual. There's also bisexual & many other variations on the theme as well. And wherever one find's her or himself coming to rest along the sexual orientation continuum, it's all good. (Same with gender identity.)

So, I guess what I would suggest to you is that wherever you ultimately find yourself coming to rest, along the sexual orientation continuum... all is well. It may take some time to figure this out. Perhaps it might be something that would be worthwhile exploring with the help of a skilled therapist. I wish you well...

[StrawberryFieldsss]

I went through this stage... I think on some level I have always known I am a lesbian.. it still seems kinda odd saying it. Not in a bad way, but I look back and see the signs. I think other people saw them too, especially my mom.

Theres another site thats excellent called Empty Closets that is also run by a therapist. They have all ages there, and its an amazing and very safe place to discuss your sexuality. I highly recommend it

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by StrawberryFieldsss

Theres another site thats excellent called Empty Closets that is also run by a therapist. They have all ages there, and its an amazing and very safe place to discuss your sexuality. I highly recommend it

I just quoted because I use Empty Closets myself. The site is really enjoyable and there are several friendly people online. It is also monitored which is a nice thing, and certain rights you have to earn.

[MusicLover82]

I have had some HOCD issues, too, and they seem to be hormonal for me. The thoughts usually last a day or two for me and then go away. I'm married and very much attracted to my husband and I've never had a bisexual relationship or encounter with a woman. It very well may be HOCD for you, too. Perhaps you should talk to a psychologist about it and see what he/she says. And maybe get your hormones checked. I'm about to start birth control because my hormones are out of whack.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[khorsley]

hello,

i have struggled with the same thing for years. I have always struggled with fear and paranoia of being lesbian even though i have been attracted to men my whole life. I go through the same stages you do. I always want to end up marrying and raising kids with a man, but sometimes i will only find women pretty. i can't watch movies with female leads because i'm scared i will be attracted to them.

i think it is only an intense fear. mind over matter is very powerful. though you and i may be bisexual, i believe the former is a more likely candidate. i think this to be the case because if you and i were lesbian we would have these thoughts 24/7 instead of going through stages of liking women. i know how scary and intense this fear is, i wish you luck. xx

[handheart]

Well i think in my opinion that you can be bisexual ,so its not such a bad thing