[creatif5]

Hello every,

what prompted me to come to this forum is that it's becoming apparent to me that I may be suffering from Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder.

I am a young professional and recently left my parents' home to live in an apartment, mostly because I began dating a great guy. I figured living closer to him would be easier for us to spend time together.

In the beginning, things were great, and we spent all of our time together. He even spent nearly every night at my apartment, though we didn't acknowledge that we were living together. Recently, he's been aching to spend more time at his own home, and wants more time to himself. During all of my time living in this apartment, I can count the number of times I've slept here alone on one hand. Every morning, after he leaves for work (he leaves earlier than I do), I check the rooms to see what he has taken with him. If he's taken certain items he uses everyday (i.e. a laptop), then my entire day is ruined because I know he won't be coming back after work. Needless to say, his opting not to stay with me is extremely difficult. It has taken a toll on my work ethic, and I find myself crying when I find out that I won't be seeing him.

He doesn't know how severe the problem is, because I'm afraid it will scare him away, though we've been dating seven months and have said the words "I love you." Thus, his ignorance in the matter makes it even harder because when I pout or cry about him not seeing me, he responds with "Don't be so dramatic." Unfortunately, for me, it's not drama--it's the norm. I can't bear to be apart from him and I'm afraid it will take a toll on the relationship. Going home to my family soothes things a bit, but I can't go when I'm in this kind of state (sobbing, unable to be soothed), because I'd rather my family not know that I suffer from this. They wouldn't understand either, and probably think I was being weak. I'm so afraid when he doesn't want to spend time with me, it means he's over the relationship and wants out. Deep down I know that's not the case, but it doesn't curb the anxiety. I'm sad

[whatbeanbelieved]

Hi creatif.. thank you for posting this.

Sounds like you have a real need for assurance and affection.. And also to work on yourself, because - I'm reading - you're sad because you do not want to be this anxious?

When I read this, I really resonate with what you're feeling and going through. I am in a relationship where my boyfriend wants space (right now it's 15 days without talking) ad it really triggers my anxiety and horror that he will just leave. So I have these meltdowns or panic attacks where I am crying, unable to be soothed, unhappy, and sometimes veering towards self harm.

I think this can be stressful for both people because the dynamic of the relationship becomes very ... degrading, for both people. On the one hand there is you, who is so moved by his departures, and that is lopsided. It breeds resentments that you are more invested than he is. On the other hand, there is him, whose efforts are being dwarfed by your anxiety. So no matter how much he says he loves you, it seems inadequate, and will also breed resentment.

So, I want to ask - are you getting help for your anxiety? If not, I would highly recommend seeing what your options are in terms of help (it can be anything, from therapy to meditation - I think Vipassana is something that seems to help a lot of people - or a support group or hypnotherapy or flower remedies) and working on yourself. If you haven't ever seen someone, you are in a position to make these decisions and work on yourself. Which is very cool. If you are already seeing someone, well done And I hope it's helping. The only thing that kind of ... won't work is if you know something is wrong and you choose to ignore it. >>; IMO. Also, then, if and when you choose to share this with your boyfriend, you can say "I have this issues, and have taken these steps to help myself." Which is a lot more helpful to hear than "I have these issues and I don't know what to do, and I need you to help me".

At the moment, perhaps one thing you could do is to find a safe place. It could be anything, an extra room somewhere, a friend's house, an all night coffee shop with a spacious washroom where you can BE safely until you are secure enough to face the world. (Sometimes meeting a puppy helps.)

When you are in your "unsoothable" state, what are you thinking? Are you telling yourself "he's going to leave" or "I don't deserve him", etc? These are in my experiences important clues about the root of the issue. And to cure this, it is important to get to the root of the issue. Are you fearing loneliness or abandonment? And what do these things mean to you? As in, for me, being alone means being invalid, because I fear my emotions don't exist until seen by someone else. But that's a random thing, and you will of course have different reasons.

What everyone has told me, and what I've been working on very strongly in the last few months, is to learn to live with myself and to love myself. I think a lot of separation anxiety stems from not believing we are lovable.

I really, really hope this works out for you.

Love and hugs
Bean