[TheSilentEmpath]

I feel utterly alone.. because I've had virtually no conversation with anyone i have emotional attachment to lately... It's as though some heavy weight were on my chest all the time.. like the still air was tangible and pressing in on me.. and I feel like crying. and screaming and hurting or killing myself or breaking something but then I think 'what's the point?'.. and that I'll only hurt people if i were to do that..

And I feel anxious. because I'm about to be put on the pill due to hormonal problems recently.. Involving severe abdominal pain, excessive bleeding, acne that's come out of nowhere and refused to leave, etc. (all abnormal for me in past years) but I don't want to be one more cause of anti-androgens in our drinking supply.. but i've heard it can clear acne and can even make girls' breast grow which, of course, are both somewhat appealing.. but the guilt of knowing what i'm going to be doing to the environment and the discomfort of being on something like that while not sexually active is going to make me feel like I'll be pressured into doing things like that. and i'm not ready. i'm so not ready.

And i have a job as a bartender.. which is extremely far out of my comfort zone as the introvert I am.. I'm sure I'm not making as much as more out-going girls would make but i need money for college.. at the same time I feel like i'm robbing someone else of it.

And my best friend's other best friend came home from basic training today. and previous to her leaving for basic training, my best friend would ignore me more and more until she only really talked with her other best friend. Today was the First day her friend has come home, and today i've gotten absolutely no conversation form her. and i'm worried that she'll abandon me again for other other best friend and that i'll be left completely alone.. she's been talking to me less and less the past few days already (before her best friend even came back..)

and i have to complete more illustrations for a local author under parental pressure (being heavily underpaid) within 2 weeks and the pen for my tablet has gone missing. and I'm supposed to complete a web-comic and more requests than I've numbered for a fan-site of a game i'm compelled to play as a way of spending time with above friend who is barely talking to me lately..

and my sleep schedule is destroyed. i'm staying up 20-some hours of every day lately. and nearly collapsing the (increasing) first few waking hours the next day when i wake up.

and i'm positive that with all my introversion and reservation that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. and i cant stand that. and that alone makes life so much less worth living. i just wish someone would love me and hold me and kiss me and be there for me instead of me being left alone all the time or supporting others like some kind of mechanical crutch- disallowed her own emotion. even with 'friends'...

[gma45]

Don't worry sound like your hormones are out of whack which the pill will help immensely with the things you mentioned also with your moods. Just because you are taking it doesn't mean anything Dr.s give it to patients all the time for problems like yours not just for birth control.You don't have to do anything you don't want to. And I don't think you will harm the water supply by taking them as long as you don't flush unused pills. As for your friends I would try and meet some new people that would not treat me bad when another friend comes around. can't you all hang out together? I hope things work out for you. And I hope this might help just a little.

[TheSilentEmpath]

Originally Posted by gma45

Don't worry sound like your hormones are out of whack which the pill will help immensely with the things you mentioned also with your moods. Just because you are taking it doesn't mean anything Dr.s give it to patients all the time for problems like yours not just for birth control.You don't have to do anything you don't want to. And I don't think you will harm the water supply by taking them as long as you don't flush unused pills. As for your friends I would try and meet some new people that would not treat me bad when another friend comes around. can't you all hang out together? I hope things work out for you. And I hope this might help just a little.

I hope it does help since i'm going to have to start taking it...
but the antiandrogens actually do get washed out of your system and into the water supply because our bodies don't use all of them...

And like I wrote.. I'm very introverted. I don't make new friends easily..
and she doesnt even live around here. she lives in california.
but my friend'll spend all her free time messaging her rather than me.. which is just hurtful because we live not 15 miles from each other and while she was gone visited each other like.. every week.

[laralula]

Sorry you are going through this SE...

I feel the same almost every day... most of my friends now live out of state/out of the country... and I just "broke up" with my one good friend because she is so flaky. I will call her to hang out and she'll say "oh, it depends if vin wants to hang out tonite" - that's her on/off "boyfriend"

It's hard when you only have a few friends because you lean on them too much... I don't want to put that on a perfect stranger... and being introverted makes it hard too. I think pc is a good place for you, I hope you feel comfortable reaching out to people here and I am always around to listen