[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I've been seeing t since the middle of May. We are primarily atm working on my anxiety, sleep and DID symptoms. This week, due to the holiday, I will not have an appointment with him. But I do have an appointment with pdoc tomorrow, he will be sitting in again (my second appointment with her, he sat in on the last one as well) so he will be there, but not for theraputical reasons. I'm nervous.

She gave me hydroxizine before, it's what the emergency room gave me so she kept me on it until I stopped smoking marijuanna and passed a drug test. I stopped4 weeks ago so I'm sure I will pass the test but still...
Neither one thinks I have bipolar depression or that I am dealing with psychosis. So I'm not too worried about the meds she will give me as she listens to my concerns, I've been on and off those meds and was so much worse on them, as I didn't need them. But I need anxiety meds.

Hydroxizine stopped working the same week she had given it to me. I've been unmedicated for 5 weeks and I guess I'm so nervous because it's been building up and building up. I keep telling myself, July 5th I will finally get something to help take this edge off. It's been the thing keeping me going, just putting one foot in front of the other until I can get help for this. I don't rely on meds to feel better. I don't even like meds. But when my anxiety gets to be like this, it takes at least 6 months for it to start to get better, with therapy.

I just got out of a 6 month rut, had 3 months of ease and feeling stable and a medical event put me deep into the anxiety again. I don't want to go another 6 months feeling this way. I know I need to find better coping skills and I'm working really hard on that with t right now but this constant shaky, constant fear, constant worry, uneasy, feeling like my heart is going to beat out my chest, feeling like I drank 3 monster energy drinks but am off caffeine, it's so much and I'm tired of the feelings that come. I've been working on stopping the negative thinking, but it doesn't stop the feelings of fear and anxiety. I don't know why I feel that way but I just do. My fiance will ask me why I'm having a panic attack and I just don't know, it just keeps happening. I hate this.

Now I am worried, what if she gives me nothing that helps and it's another 6 weeks before I go to see her again, what if she gives me something that makes me worse, as many pdocs have done in the past. I've been waiting so long and have all of my eggs in that basket so to speak, I need this, but needing it makes me fear not getting it.

I wish I could just go back to feeling comfortable and only having anxiety when it was warranted, atleast warranted for me. But everything makes me anxious. I'm afraid of sleep, yet afraid to stay awake. I'm afraid of the coming day, thinking how long a day can be. I'm afraid to be around people, yet afraid to be alone. Afraid to shower, afraid to bathe, afraid of cars, afraid of animals, even my 8 month old puppy is causing anxiety, I get anxious before work, I get anxious when people talk to me, everything causes anxiety, I'm not living well this way, it's no way to live at all. But I don't know how to stop it. Even when I don't think about these things, the uneasy feeling lingers, it's always with me.

I have GAD, I'm assuming you could have guessed by now, I guess this is normal for GAD, but I'm really counting on my appointment tomorrow going well, but I'm afraid it wont. Makes me not want to go but I'm afraid of how hard the next 6 weeks will be if I don't and I have to wait to get in to see her again. Gah, I hate feeling this way...

Sorry for posting so long, you don't have to read it... I guess mostly I needed to vent and get my feelings out before this appointment. My finace has to give me a back rub every night just to ease the tension in my back from being so tense all day every day, he's also woken many nights many times during anxiety attacks to give me a back rub to help it go away (it works a lot of the time but not all of the time) every time I wake up, every time I get in the car, every time I am alone and every time I am with anyone, every time I am going to fall asleep, I feel the anxiety so strongly, I can force out the negative thinking but can't force out the physical feelings that come from the anxiety... I'm so nervous

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

And i got nothing, she dismissed me as a client. Understandable. I am afraid of medications and since therapy has been helping so much, i dont need to see her. But the times i have a melt down and can not control my anxiety, i guesd i will go to the er. I dont know what to think. Im happy im not on meds but terrified of the next attack with nothing to help...

[Open Eyes]

((Purple)),

I have been on "no" meds myself and I had been on Klonopin for four years, a small dose. It was very hard for me to come off of it and there are times when I struggle with anxiety too and wish I could just take one. But, then I think about how it makes me feel hung over the next day and I really hated that. So I just work through the anxiety.

In your next T appoinment you should go over some methods that can help you manage the anxiety better. In my opinion it is better to try gaining on doing it without drugs that all have side effects.

One day at a time Purple is my golden rule.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[BatsAndButterflies]

Good luck! I hope you get the medications that you need with minimal side effects!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you both for your replies. Open, youre probably right and saying just what my fiance and i were talking about yesterday. Im not worried about not having anything day to day but when i have the realy bad days, thats what worries me. I can feel sanity slipping from my grip in those times and docs always talk about having me hospitalized, im in rough shape when that happens. Im afraid of that happening again, especially since yesterday t said things are going to get really bad (before they get better) and idk if i can handle those memories combined with my anxiety, on my own. But i wont know until i try. T recommended yoga classes for my anxiety and self defense classes to help me feel stronger when men make advances and wont lay off. Fiance thinks this is a good idea. We will see how things work...

[uchiha]

Hi, I also suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. It's been two weeks now that I am off lorazepam. I hated how I felt on that drug; woozy and a constant tension in my head.

Any kind of conflict or stressful situation can trigger my anxiety/panic attack. What sucks the most is that I am a runner, and after just two miles I can feel my attack coming on. After my run is over, my anxiety slowly creeps over me and intensify. It seems that physical stress also trigger my attacks. However, I find that I deal much more better without the drug because I am not also fighting the side effects as well.

So, hang in there and power through these difficult times. I believe as time progress you will be able to exact some measure of control over your response to the situations that trigger your attacks. Think of all the wonderful things in your life, like your fiancé.
I also find that on those days when my attack is at its peek, sharing on this forum helps.

The best of luck.

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