[NeutronStar]

I apologise for this being so long, but I HAVE to get this out - I feel terrible I have real trouble connecting with people - even with friends I feel awkward and unable to maintain a conversation. I used to be alright with this, but last night I had one of the worst nights I've ever had in terms of facing the reality of my social inhibitions...

It was one of my good friends' 20th birthdays and it was a group of me, him 2 other good friends, 2 relatively close female friends, a girl I work with but never really speak to, one girl I've met once or twice and another guy I've met a few times.

I could kind of get along with the guys in the group if there were no girls there. I am, for reasons I don't fully understand, petrified of acting out in front of females... I am scared of doing this in front of males, too, but it is 10x as bad with women. I am 19, by the way.

Anyway, everyone was drinking and talking with eachother, blurting things out at 100 miles per hour, and I was literally sat there for 2 hours while everyone talked around me and I dwelled on how insignificant I am within my friendship group. My friends already knew I was quiet and a little weird, but I feel like last night the mood towards me changed, permanently and for the worse. I suffer from severe social anxiety and also have real trouble processing information - if too many people focus on me or try to speak to me, my mind overheats (hard to explain) and literally 2 minutes can go past before I can have any coherent thoughts.

They were all relatively tipsy and eventually, through a lot of un-subtle hand signals and badly whispered private conversations, it came to the point where the main focus of the gathering was to try and force me into communicating with everyone. - like I said, I CANNOT handle this pressure and focus and I just went in to meltdown mode. By the end of the night, people were joking about it and one of my drunker mates even stole my ipod from the table and started standing on the headphone cables. When I asked him to stop, he just ignored me. I was shocked that he could be such a ****. Later that night, he was calling me gay and licking his lips at me in front of everyone to make them laugh purely because of my fear of the opposite gender and my inability to articulate my feelings under the pressure. On the walk home he even tried stealing my bike off of me, until one of my nicer friends just said "leave it man, he just wants to walk his bike by himself." I have a feeling that he is so hostile towards me because I am a good looking person and I know that the girl he likes likes me, and I think he knows that too.

Also, one of the girls I am relatively close with (by my standards), when she left, I said "goodbye", and just before she closed the door she said "yeh whatever i don't even like you" and I heard her laughing with another of her friends after the door closed.

I feel so pathetic at the moment - I got humiliated in front of each member of my main group of friends and in front of some girls I work with, and I feel like my friends just don't like me anymore. I have never felt this awful - which is one of the reasons I joined this site - I am determined to do something about it. My social worker thinks I have a mild form of aspergers syndrome, and I wouldn't be surprised.

[NishQuiche92]

I'm sorry that happened. That wasn't right of them to act that way with you, and honestly, it seems you should find yourself a new group of friends. Don't feel humiliated, who needs them anyways? Start small and work your way up. Find an understanding girl you can connect with and talk to, and work your way from there.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi N.S. N.Q.is dead right,with friends like that,who needs enemies? I know its difficult to
believe,but their are some nice people in the world,you+me for starters! I used to be like that,and the mistake was,just like you,I wasn't
DISCRIMINATING ENOUGH! If you would find
gold,you must look where GOLD IS! Where would you meet nice people in your area? The church? Your interests? A hobby? A reading group? Be persistent in looking for DECENT PEOPLE,keep your eyes+ears open,and AVOID
the critical,the miserly,the inconsiderate,the self-
absorbed,the vane---------DISCRIMINATE!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[LadyShadow]

Hello Neutron!

I agree with everyone here as well. I feel really bad that happened to you. You DONT need that group of friends. They sound like they are very damaging to your sensitive being.

You need to be around more caring people, even at your age group they are some good folks out there. Being 32, I can be quick to say they are just immature, but you seem like a well-rounded kind individual that deserves better than that type of treatment.

I am glad you are here, you will find some great supportive people here.