Moving ... again

So I found out yesterday that our perm office space is almost done and we have a firm move date of Sat, 24th. The anxiety is already setting in My rational self tells me I have nothing to worry about, but I am still feeling anxious about the whole thing. I have the same (great) movers that I had the last two moves, staff has been instructed to start packing, and the bldg and vendors have been notified. It will be just me and the move team again. There are still loose odds and ends I cannot get answers to (which really irritates me because I like to have a general plan. With that, I know there will be last second changes and bumps...but with a general plan in place, it makes all the hiccups so much easier, less stressful). I am anticipating having to make some Executive decisions which no matter what I decide, I will have to "explain" later to our CFO. (I am screaming inside )

One of the things that bothers me too is that it is the holiday weekend and the staff will be with their so's and on vacation, and it reminds me that I have no one. Also, that the time spent on my part will not be appreciated at all. By anyone. I am barely making it financially as it is and there is no hope in sight in that regard.

I did not have to plan the move for that day but I would rather take the whole day than have to accommodate the bldg rules and pull an all-nighter Monday into Tues. Ugh. Any which way, I am kind of screwed).

I guess this is more of a vent than anything else.

Being so responsible for other peoples needs and wants with no acknowledgment is so depressing

I thought after I posted ... in parallel worlds, if I were a man and doing the same thing, I would be given an enormous raise and new title ...

yeah you would. that's because it would be hard for a man to take care of all the details, and he'd be cackling like a rooster the whole time. that's why italians have the saying, the hen does all the work, but the rooster makes all the noise. it's unbelievable.

hi rose. happy moving. wish i could help you.

The "plan" has changed 500 times today ... I had a meeting this morning at 9:30 and by 3:00 this afternoon it had gone around in a complete circle. This is not good.

(((Rose))),

I am sorry that you can't nail this down to a coordinated "plan" where you can have a clear sense of direction. That can aggrivate the PTSD. Take some time outs, slow deep breaths, fresh air and some walks to regroup.

Don't let yourself get into thinking other people will be connected on the holiday either, that isn't true for everyone. I tend to do that sometimes too, but I catch myself and remind myself that it is just a day and I don't have to allow myself to fall into a bad place.

You have been doing really well Rose, strong and independant minded, as well as passionate about your beliefs, all good for you.

Don't let yourself go down in "dissapointing thought patterns" keep a forward mindset inspite of the triggers.

Your being in a "seat of the pants" operation is a challenge to anyone who struggles with PTSD because it is hard to feel safe and have something solid to grab onto. Inspite of that atmosphere, you have been making a lot of gains. So, make sure you notice that about yourself. Now, everytime you make these "gains" it means you are "adapting" and "growing" all important "skills" for the future, your future Rose, inspite of these "other seat of the pants people".

I am not in your situation, however I have been in a lot of strange pop up situations, even things that have "changed from planed" this past month so "yeah" I understand the challenge. It is important you get some quiet time, so if you get to have any of that during the holidays, that's ok. And, if no one is around and you can have some "space" thats not such a bad thing either.

Try to find your way to the positive Rose. You really are doing well.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Ugh. I am dreading going in today. I am going to ignore all emails at this point and just stick to the plan. I have a mtg at 10 with our move specialist / so I will just leave it up to his professional opinion and be done with it. All the back and forth, nonsense yesterday was too stressful. Thanks everyone will keep you posted

Ugh, that sounds like no fun. I would be tripping out about having to make decisions on the fly that would have to be justified later (or, at least, I would feel like they had to be justified later). It also sounds really annoying that there was so much back and forth between people who obviously aren't going to be there during the actual move.

I've held positions that were truly thankless, and also had times when I negated positive feedback I did receive. I just hope you keep your ears open and really let it sink in if you do get some appreciative responses. If you don't get any, maybe update your resume with this extra accomplishment?

I think it's great that you are able to notice what in particular is triggering you about this situation. This sounds like a very challenging job. I hope you're able to feel proud of yourself for managing it when it's all done! Hope today goes okay.

Thank you

If I receive some appreciation, it will be a miracle, and I will literally be shocked and drop over

Well Rose, unfortunately other people simply have "no idea" how much you are truely challenged, if they did you would be much more appreciated. Those people that you work with have not dealt with real life tagedies like you, so they go along in a kind of "ignorance is bliss" state of mind. And it is clear from what you have said in the past, they misunderstand you as well.

Somehow you have to truely find your way to "self appreciation" in all of this, and I know that can be hard and even on the "lonely" side.

People tend to misunderstand me too, I can be strong willed and be the one to muster courage to "speak up" so they tend to think things about me that are far from the truth. And now that I struggle with PTSD, I am always misunderstood and invalidated. I have had to practice my own quiet knowing of my gains, and it can be a lonely place, even if I have people around me. I have traveled to jobs this year though some really bad pop up storms and it was such a challenge to get to these jobs wondering if the weather would permit once I got there. People had no idea how much of a challege it was for me, no idea, not a clue and I had to try to put on a smile and fake it while inside I was a literal wreck. Even my husband just didn't get it, I had to be the one to "self praise" for getting through it. This year was Horrible, every weekend was like that, so stressful and it got to the point where I felt I was being tested by some unknown angry entity somehow. I had clients agree to pay me even if I got out to them and the weather was so bad I could not do the job. Then I would get there, one time in a really bad storm, and the client "blamed me for the weather", even when I told them not to do that to me if the chance they wanted to take and had to pay me anyway didn't work out if I got there and it was bad. They yelled at me anyway because "their plan didn't work" not even realizing how much their behavior triggered the PTSD to blow up. I broke down in front of them to be honest and did say I was battling PTSD and their behavior was wrong. People don't care about how others feel, they only care how "they feel".

After I got home from that madness, I had to dig deep and "appreciate that I made it through all that". My husband didn't do that for me, nope it was only me, in my knowing the true challenge of PTSD. Yes, it can be a huge uphill battle, lots of strong self praise and a reminder Rose to yourself, that "you are gaining" and when you "do rise to the challenge" it is "you" that is making the real gain every single time.

It is very normal to wish someone only knew the challenge and be there to "acknowlege" your gains. Well, I see it, I know what the challenge is, sorry I can't just show up and help you while others are not going to be around etc. Wouldn't that be nice though to have a special PTSD rescue unit that could do that IRL though? Yes, that would be nice to have some speed dial to tap on that brings on an emergency PTSD approval team to show up in these difficult challenges.

I have a feeling that would be a busy business as I am sure there are more that struggle than we know. But for now it has to be a part set aside in "you" Rose.
A part that steps up inspite of each challenge that reminds you, "this is your gain and keep going, you really "are" gaining".

(((HUGS)))
Open Eyes

Oh boy...the move starts in less than 24 hours. I am excited and nervous. Anxious. One of the things that frustrates me about this darn disorder is that I just cant feel happy or excited...my body goes into overdrive and I feel angst. Butterflies, no appetite, lightheaded...ugh. i just want to feel normal for a change....where my emotions match my bodily functions

So have been moving since 5pm....meeting up again tomorrow morning at 7 to go all day. I am already tired and still have an hour drive ahead of me. Time to wrap up for the evening

My brother already started effing with me at 6:30 this morning on my way in to the move. I effing hate him. He is a sadist and a pri**.

Omg he picked the wrong day. What's wrong with him?