I feel horrible for writing about my experience at the market this morning. I hope I dont hurt anyone's feelings when I write about what exactly triggered / affected me. I dont know what else to do, though.

**PLEASE NOTE THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING**

I had a panic at the market this morning. The same one I go to on a regular basis and have never really had any problems except for the place being too packed with customers to go there.

Outside the store, in the lot, it seemed to be a bit more chaotic than usual. I did not have the greatest feeling but I attributed it to the holiday and everyone in the neighborhood trying to pick up necessities before the 31st.

When I entered the store, the energy was different than usual, though, and there seemed to be a manic / chaotic semi-dangerous feel in the store. Usually, the environment is pretty tolerable but this was different.

As soon as I walked into the store, I felt as if I had walked into something unfamiliar and off. I couldnt get to where I needed to go...people were pushing their carts around without paying attention, talking loud, meandering, overly excited: it was as if I felt like I was surrounded by something that was unsafe.

I finally made it over to produce, after being blocked for a bit, and the local firemen were there doing their regular Sunday shopping bu t nothing else was familiar. I felt like I was in the twilight zone.

All I wanted to do was get my stuff and leave. But at that point, I was feeling so much anxiety and a panic coming on that I couldnt concentrate. I could not remember everything I needed. But I did need coffee...how could I forget that

I went down the narrow aisle, getting cut off by people just not paying attention. Then, I found my coffee. Thankfully. I couldnt understand what was wrong with me either because at that point, I was scared and feeling like I was going to faint.

A familiar face restocking the aisle thank god, the store manager. I was wondering if I was just losing it...I asked him quietly, "is it me, or is the store right now like being in the night of the living dead?" He looked at me and quietly explained that What I was sensing was real and that every other Sun the local assisted living, residential community home halfway house did their shopping. It was for the most part fairly safe (with some exceptions). I turned white as a ghost because when I looked up, both sides of the exits to the aisle were completely blocked, the residents were manic and I felt like I was going to faint.

The manager looked at me and asked me if I was ok, and I said, "I really want to get out of here..." he kindly escorted me through the crowd / blocked aisles.

I tried to do the rest of my shopping but I just couldnt. I was a goner at that point. I ran into the manager again and said how awful I felt for saying what i did and he said he understood, and if I needed anything to let him know. I just mentioned I wasnt feeling well, the firefighters were in produce and if I fainted to tell them to come over.

*sigh*

What exactly was I afraid of? Was it the chaotic, manic energy that my ultra- sensitive self was responding to? Outside the store, the shoppers were running around the lot, jumping around, blocking exit ways...it took me a bit to get back to my car. I felt so incredibly ill. When I got home, it took awile to calm down a bit and I ate a little something. Voices outside seem louder than usual, traffic as well. And I feel raw. My back hurts. And my chest too from breathing so hard.

Knowing what I know now, too, I feel terribly guilty / ashamed too for reacting the way I did. *sigh*

[unaluna]

I think it's "just" if you can use the word just here - PTSD. Maybe another person could handle it, sure. But they haven't gone thru the experiences we have that leave us susceptible. We just feel it a different way. Certain boundaries are not there to protect us. It's like a levee that's been breached.

Thank you ((((Hank)))) for your kind response. I was afraid after I posted, I would get a lot of negative responses and angry notes. Since I posted, a memory of an incident came up that I hadn't remembered in ages.

I must have been 14 or so..close family friends of our parents came to the house for a visit. I had been told in advance that the son, whom was coming over, as well, had a mental illness and could be a bit aggressive, so to be aware. When they arrived, we were all together in the living room chatting, enjoying hors d'oeuvres...then, we moved to the dining room for a nice meal and more conversation. I was simply trying to be gracious and welcoming, making conversation with everyone, not focusing on the young man's MI....just being myself. At some point, as usual during these things, everyone went off to do things ... the men staying at the table to chat, the ladies around the kitchen cleaning up. I went back to the living room to hang out and the young man was there...at first, the conversation was benign and then he sort of flipped a switch and wanted to hug me. I felt torn because I was afraid by his switch in behavior, but at the same time I didnt want to anger him, because I didnt want him to hurt me (I had that warning in the back of my mind that he could be aggressive). So, I tried to change the subject, talk about school, events, activities, etc, but he came to hug me anyway. Once he had me, he started becoming more forceful, aggressive. I was scared too death. Thankfully, the adults were able to intervene and they left soon after. We never saw them again.

I dont recall my parents comforting me or acknowledging it must have been scary or reassuring me that I was safe. I just remember them saying something about him being gone and wouldn't be back.

I dont know where exactly I am going with this... sorry.

[unaluna]

Isn't that funny that that's what you thought of? I was just seeing myself angry and frustrated at being asked to papergirl EVERY DAY when I was only volunteering for Sunday. I knew I was sounding petty when I described it to T but I was flipping out. I read somewhere that that is what Ts do, see what feelings arise in themselves as they listen to their clIents. So I saw my being defenseless in my situations when you described yours today. That's what resonated for me.

And the two major times my folks didn't explain to me what happened, they didn't really hear my side of the story either. They assumed the worst and tried to sweep it under the rug, but they never forgot it. Unfortunately they remembered it wrong and I have had to live with it since then. That's why I don't talk to them.

What is it about some parents that are such complete f*** ups that they think they are entitled to have children, spread the disease of theirs & damage their kids, and in the end magically get away with very selective memories. My favorites, the ever popular response, "I dont remember." And "That isn't true" & "That never happened."

[geisha75]

Rose, I have been told that people with anxiety should not spend a lot of time together as we tend to feed off each other and make things worse. That actually does apply to me at least, because nervous people just make me a wreck.

Anyway, you were around what sounds like some hyper individuals (from my limited experience, manic behavior can come off as hyper) and it was probably feeding right into your anxiety and that bad energy was exacerbating things.

My mom used to panic in the store, but I never really had trouble until one time when all of a sudden everything sounded loud. The store wasn't particularly crowded, but the sound of the metal carts over the bumpy floors and the bright lights overhead overloaded my senses. Sometimes my anxiety presents itself in the form of extreme crabbiness/irritation and I know I was scowling as I rushed like a madwoman to get out of there. It's why I choose when to go to the store very carefully because people drive me nuts. They are just seemingly everywhere at virtually any time of the day flooding wherever I need to go, and my city isn't exactly a major metropolis.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I really do think the energy of that place was what you were sensing and what triggered your reaction. I'm sure it has happened to most of us with these problems.

((((Geisha)))) thank you for your post. I did have a work friend recently that I just could not be around because when I was with her outside of the office, I would become a nervous wreck. For some reason, I did not feel comfortable or safe with her at all. I had never felt that way around any female friends before. Perhaps she was as anxious / nervous as I, but she came off more as a hard witch to those that didnt know her.

Yes. The hyper energy was terribly triggering. I do recall in hindsight, as well, that the armed security truck was there picking up the money from the store, and I remember seeing the guard's face that was carrying the satchel...he looked a little on edge and had one of his hands near his service weapon and he was communicating a lot with the driver, so it registered as odd to me. and also I remember wondering if something was wrong.

Funny how I didnt realize until your post how I survey situations like that without even knowing / realizing it. So I was probably already more on guard than usual as soon as I parked the car.

Many thanks for more food for thought.