Zoey's Story....My Anxiety & Life story! (VERY long!)

Okay so first thing's first, Hi everyone!
I have introduced myself in the new section but this will be my first post in here.

I don't really know where to start, all I do know is this is probably going to be the longest post I have ever typed on an internet forum..

A little about me:
My name is Zoey
22 years old (June 1990)
I live in a house share In Bournemouth, Dorset with friends and partner
I was raised by my father until I was 16
I have a brother 9 years older than myself
I have suffered with anxiety / panic attacks for as long as I remember but would say since I was roughly 12/13 possibly a little earlier.

It all started when I was around those ages and I realised something wasn't right as I would go to bed at night and then be unable to sleep, a while after my Dad would go to bed and that's when the anxiety stepped up a notch into a full blown panic attack where I would scream, cry and be unable to calm myself, I would just keep crying until I fell asleep with exhaustion. My Dad didn't and would never understand, he is a born and raised Londoner as is the rest of my family so I am supposed to be a ''tough cookie''.
My childhood was far from nice, not my Dad's fault as he did all he could to support me but I had endless problems, my Mum and Dad split up when I was 11 months old, and from there onwards it was a battle field, being dragged from one parent to the other, court battles, being in the care of different people on a daily basis whilst Dad worked to try and support me and my brother.
I knew I was different as soon as I started school. This wasn't helped by the fact I had TERRIBLE food allergies, and by terrible I mean probably the worst type, I was allergic to virtually any type of food you can name, I was on regular injections and a diet of shortbread, fake chocolate and slices of bread. The doctors could never explain my allergies, and they never did get to the bottom of it because my Dad stopped taking me too the hospital, but as I was so painfully thin, he would feed me beans on toast and things that I shouldn't eat which had a bad result on me as rather than your typical allergies like blotchy skin and rashes, my allergies resulted in the complete loss of control my bowel/bladder movements so obviously school was embarrassingly painful from day one as I was regularly having accidents and I had to have a different school dinner to everyone else.
Primary school was not too bad even though I was having to deal with this and I think that is because all the kids are too young to fully understand what was wrong with me, all I knew was I was different, and that resulted in me being an absolute nightmare at school, bullying people, running away, backchatting, fighting, and getting myself into all sorts of mischief.
Then came secondary school where I hoped and prayed because I was older I would be able to take control of the situation better and present myself to people in a better way allowing me too make friends but it didn't turn out that way and secondary school was a massive battle, I was brutally bullied, too the point where I couldnt walk from one side of the school too the other without being chased, spat on, or called names, and as a result I was so naughty at school and my temper began to rise to scary levels, I was picking chairs and tables up and throwing them at people and generally losing the plot! This resulted in me being offered part time schooling because the school couldn't handle me full time however my Dad refused to have me home, and strangely, I was glad because this leads me onto my next problem!....
My Dads partner, she was a horrible nasty women, she would throw things at me, pinch me with her long nails for no reason whatsoever and generally beat the living day lights out of me when my Dad wasn't around, so being anywhere but at home was great, no matter how bad it was...
They split up when I was round 13/14 and he got a new girlfriend (who is now his wife) and all seemed great for the few months until she too got settled and she would belittle me and put me down and embarress me at every given opportunity and as you can imagine, I was already suffering terribly with low self esteem, so she just finished me off as it were.
So when I was 16 I moved in with my Mum, and thats where my life began to seem like it was turning around, although I was suffering with panic attacks quite reguarly, they started to ease, I got myself a boyfriend that lasted all of a couple of months but during that time, my panic attacks were non existent. We then split up and shortly after that my panic attacks crept back in again, until I met Ben who is my current partner of 6 years. In the first 2/3 years of being with Ben my panic attacks were at their worst, but then they eased off again and I was coping fine with no real problems other than bouts of depression due to miscarriage and financial problems along with relationship issues.
But over the past year things have started to get really bad, my relationship with Ben is definitely a big factor, as although I care for him alot, we don't see eye too eye on alot and we don't seem to enjoy each others company atall (conversation best saved for another day!)..but there is other factors such as my Nan passed away this month, and she was THE ONLY thing keeping me going throughout all those years I was suffering, I lost 3 jobs, my house is being knocked down in April 2013 leaving me homeless, and I think with all this tied in, this is what has bought me too this page today.

2 nights ago I had one of the worst panic attacks I had had in a long time, I had every single symptom imaginable apart from palpitations and ringing in the ears, the worst bit was when I realised what was happening but it was too late for me to try and counteract it, so I ended up going into the ''surreal'' stage where I felt like I wasn't really there, I was just a shell...

I am really really struggling to see a way forward now, with my Nan passing away I have no motivation and I struggle to see the point in life now, I have no goals, no real ambition, I would rather give up and not be here anymore than carry on fighting and feeling this way.

I am not sleeping anymore, my sleeping patterns are absolutely awful, come sort of 12 o clock / 1am I am wide awake and starting to feel a panic attack so I get up and try and keep my mind away from it, until I tire myself to a point of no return, and then I get say 1-2 possibly 3 hours sleep if I am very lucky, and the worst thing about it is my worst fear has always been dying, and since my Nan died, it has gotten to an intense level where I cannot stop and rest for even a second or the thoughts enter my head and send me into panic mode.
I don't get panic attacks during the day really, or maybe I have but have addressed them as something else, night times have always been my fear, I dread the thought of the night coming round. I cannot be alone and it has taken me 4 years just to go and stay at my Mum's house. As a rule with my panic attacks, I can control them unless people go to sleep before I am asleep, if everyone around me is asleep, but I am not, that is when they get intense.

I just feel like a freak, I feel like I must be making all this up and that I need to get a grip and sort my life out but it isn't that easy, and I really don't want to kill myself but the way I see it now is, I may aswell as there is nothing left for me anymore, I feel like I am just a shell, I have no soul and I am not really here, I am tired and I hate being selfish like this when their are people out their fighting for their lives, and with bigger problems than mine but that doesn't make my problems feel any smaller.

I have never ever been able to speak about my problems to anyone as noone understands and this will be the first time I have ever told anyone such detail about my life, but that is because I now realise how desperately I need to see some light as I am at complete breaking point. And I keep getting myself into troubles that will come back and bite me on the bum if I don't sort it out.

Thank you too anyone who actually sat and read through this, it's got to be one of the longest stories ever!
There are other elements that could play a part to why I am ''the way I am'' and there are also other things that I do that are ''weird'' and ''different'', certain rituals and OCD type things but I don't think they play a part in the anxiety, although I am not sure.

That's quite a story. And I admire you for your bravery in being able to post it all here. I am about your age and also experience pretty bad panic attacks from time to time(heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, basically every symptom you can imagine). There was a six month period where I had multiple extreme panic attacks daily, but now after therapy I hardly have them at all. There is hope, it doesn't seem like it while you are having them but you can learn to cope with them and maybe even eliminate them all together. I'm sorry to say that in this situation I don't have much advice for you except to try and find a good T if you can. Maybe someone who specializes in panic disorder although it sounds like you might have more going on here than just that.

I had to say someting about your relationship though because this section of your post really caught my eye:

That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I think its normal to not see eye to eye on a few things with your partner, but when you don't enjoy each others company that isn't good.

I know things might seem impossible right now, but don't give up. I have faith in you. And things can and will get better. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk at all. *hugs*

Just an additional thought: Something I found very helpful in dealing with my panic attacks and life in general is meditation. You might check out the Mindfulness Meditation books and tapes by Jon-Kabat Zinn. I'd post a link, but I am relatively new too this forum and I am not sure if they allow that. So if you are interested google that and you will find them.

welcome zoey...

thanks for sharing your story with us- we're here to listen

Hi Nightstriker - I have thought about different things like that but I just can't see myself doing meditation, I am not a religious person and I know you don't have to be to do meditation but what I mean is, I am quite a strong believer that those types of things are useless, I know that is quite a strange thing to say when it obviously helps some people but being as strong minded as I am, I am not sure whether it would work.

I guess the only way is too try.

Something has to change either way because I am definitely at the very end of my tether, and with no fight left, I am hanging on by a thread of a thread!

I am a strong minded person as well and meditation did work for me. I am also not religious. For me the mediation is just about the calmness it provides. That said, I am not trying to force it on you at all. And from what you said it sounds like you would have difficulty with it. Part of any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or mediation, at least in my experience, is that you have to have to give it a chance. If you already are convinced it won't work. I don't know how much it would help you. Again I would highly recommend that you try and see a good T. Whatever you do, please don't give up. Just hang in there. And the rest of the community here and I will be here to listen when you need us.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk 2

Hello ZoeyAshman, its nice to meet you.
It is good that you have shared your story with someone. There are many people in this forum who are facing similar problems here in this forum. They can help you and guide you through your problems. People in this forum are great friends, trust me. I have found quite a few friends for me, here.

Looks like you have gone through a lot in your life, had a difficult childhood and right now your symptoms have returned because of the death of your beloved Nana (this death is the trigger and precipitating factor of the anxiety attacks).

Zoey, the way you are feeling that is no ambition is okay for some time. Many people feel less motivated some days of their life. But is you continue feeling no ambition and no goals for more than a week than you can read some self help books and seek social support for inspiration.

By the way, I am a psychologist and I have treated many people with full blown anxiety symptoms and other problems too with sound therapy and hypnosis.

http://soundanxietytreatment.com/

I hope this helps

Thank you for this and thank you to everyone else who has commented in regards to this.
I am really really struggling and too be honest I think I came on here with the idea in mind that I was going to hear what I wanted and get the answer I wanted and sadly that isn't the case but I know full well that's my own fault. I guess I just want answers that I can never get.

I am finding things nearly impossible to live with and appearing happy and optimistic on the outside when I feel so lost and helpless on the inside is a hard hard thing for me to cope with.

Thanks for all your supportive words everyone.

Hi Zoey!

You and me are at the same age. Now I'm trying to finish my school and going to find a job.Sometines I got lost, don't know what to do, where to go but it's almost over.I always think about the happiest moment in my life to get over it.

Now I have a plan for my life and try to archive it

Nice to meet you!

Hey. Thanks for post

If you ever wanna chat just message me

Hi Zoey,

There are lots of things I can say, but I thought first I'd address some "practical points," just to give a bit of different perspective.

With regard to the night-time panic: panic is, unfortunately, a cycle. Whatever causes that first panic is almost negligible; but afterwards we begin worrying about having another panic attack, "worrying about worrying," more or less. As far as the "easy answers" go (i.e., exercise, talk-therapy, medication, and meditation), this was the only real instance which I found any of them useful. The trick is to break the cycle, and this was something I could only accomplish at first with the use of some medication. The more often I could go to bed and not panic, or go to bed and sleep right away, the less prone I was to worry about panicking and thereby trigger a panic. I had to take something for sleep and anxiety for a few months, but was eventually able to taper off and now I sleep more or less normally. Sometimes a new panic tries to emerge, and deep breathing has been helpful since it's nowhere near as intense as it once was; I've even fallen asleep doing deep breathing exercises, it's almost like counting sheep.

There is definitely hope for anxiety. I'm still nowhere near "normal," of course, but I can certainly remember a time when I had severe panic attacks daily, and now I rarely have a full-blown panic attack at all, maybe once every couple weeks, and it is not so severe where I'm convinced I'm dying or something. I have some mild OCD also, and just telling someone about my thoughts and recognizing that it was really not an uncommon thing at all and many people had such worries/obsessions/fears as I had was helpful since I had convinced myself that I was just a complete freak of nature and was very ashamed of myself for that. I do understand the frustration with hearing some of the "easy answers," especially if you've been hearing them for years. I think they're all worth a honest try, although there were definitely some things I was rather sure wouldn't work for me and they didn't; but others I was also sure would be stupid and pointless and I actually got something out of it. And unfortunately there is no "real" answer, it's just managing to live another day, and perhaps something will happen for you later... Hope is a big part of being alive I think, which is something I personally struggle with! But find someone to talk to, a therapist or a friend or just someone, at least that's a start...

Hi who's who

I definitely need to break the cycle but I don't know how.

Unlike most people on this forum, I have no therapist or doctor, so I have noone to go to. I will go and register with a doc but previous doctors have been utterly useless so I don't have much faith in them

Thank you for your reply and insight x

Oh my, yes. I'd say 9 out of 10 doctors and therapists I've seen have been completely incompetent. I don't have much faith in them either. I do a lot of my own research. I didn't have any involvement with doctors or therapists for a long time until it was so bad I ended up in the hospital. After that I had more doctors and therapists than I could shake a stick at.

I'm sure there is more than one way to break the anxiety cycle, it's just a matter of what works for each individual I think. I tried so many things and resisted the medications for years because (of course, being ME, worrying about everything) I was terrified of becoming addicted to or in any way dependent on it.

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you'd like. I still have really bad anxiety sometimes but... it's definitely gotten better. Depression, on the other hand... still a work in progress.