[whatbeanbelieved]

so... this week, i had a panic attack on sunday. it was pretty bad, though not as bad as it used to be. i was able to stop the rage (at least in the first go around) and sort of control it in the second go. i was very aware of what was happening - anxiety clamped down the moment i had to make a decision that seemed difficult and i just sort of... stood in one place and panicked, a lot, in front of my SO.

the SO and i have sort of been dealing with this for a while now. i think i've always had anxiety. i lost my mom when i was eleven and i pretty much "was brave" through all of it - from about the time i was eight and learned she might die to about the time i was 17. after that panic sort of started happening at various intervals. i would have rages and in my anger i would harm myself - only twice with actual blades, but i have literally been beating myself up for a long time now. this sort of exploded two years back because the relationship was bringing up serious attachment issues. so my SO has seen the worst of it - rages, beating up myself, etc.

i've been getting help. a LOT of help in the last two years and there was a subtle but definitive shift in november when i went off my meds and have been generally doing better since. but we've started seeing each other again recently and it's like... well the panic hasn't GONE away. and it surfaces at really inopportune moments, like last week, and in those moments to him it seems like nothing has changed. in fact to me too it sometimes feels like it's not changed.

plus there are issues in our relationship that have nothing to do with the anxiety. on many levels we're very different. we have almost cliched sorts of issues in which he withdraws and i just want connection. it goes a long way to drive us both crazy. and when the panic happens, it sort of freaks him out and also freaks me out because... we've broken up over the same issue before.

this time, well we're not broken up, but he said he's defeated and i am so very tired of fighting alone.

by now i have been here, in this space of anticipating disaster, so many times that it almost feels a bit practiced. one would think by now i'd be able to predict the outcome, but i can't, and so i feel completely helpless and hopeless and very low. (the good news is i'm sad, not anxious-sad - but still sad.)

everyone seems so content to say "give up on it" or "let it go" or "you need to know when to walk away". or maybe they're not CONTENT so much as they're actually wiser than i am, and can see that this isn't working.

i don't want to give up. i really don't want to do that. i do think i've made some progress with my panic but i don't feel like i have the strength to fight for the relationship alone. but i don't want to give up. or maybe i'm just really scared because ... well, this was the most honest i've been about myself and i don't really know if anyone could love me. that sounds stupid, but it's true. i don't know that. or maybe i just don't know HOW to walk away.

so i guess... i'm wondering... from people who have anxiety issues and people who live with those who have anxiety issues... how does it work for you guys? is there a way to make it work? what do i do next?

[CharactorAssassin]

There's nutrition for mental health, exercise releases endorphins, coping skills, guided relaxation, meditation, many things you can do.

Try to do those without medication while staying away from pill pushing psychiatrists(To avoid destroying yourself completely with discontinuation syndrome, ie withdrawal, drug seeking behaviour etc) Then when all has failed see a pill pushing quack who may do very little to help you by the way. not!