[healmysoul]

Hey Psyche Central community, I would really like some advice and help from anyone who may have experienced what I am currently going through. I appreciate you taking your time to read this and I know this is a long post but I am really asking for help and have experienced a lot to get to this current state of mind. Hopefully it may help you to better understand what is psychologically wrong and what can be done on my road to recovery.

I am a 21 year old male that has self induced some psychological problems. Over the past 4 years I was a heavy marijuana smoker, that smoked anywhere from 3-6 (blunts/joints/bong rips) times everyday. This continued everyday with barely any type of break or stopping in between for about 4 years. After realizing the detrimental effects it had on me, I had to make the decision to quit. As of today, I would now be clean for 4 months but I did smoke about a month ago just to feel what being high was again and no longer desire it. After being sober for the first month, I could feel myself getting healthier with a better conscious state of mind, where I could think more rational and logical. Even though quitting, sadly, the smoking had already taken its toll on me and the damage is done. Before I finally decided I needed to quit, I already knew I was way too addicted, I needed help because I chose to continued smoking even though I knew I was harming myself (even at times where I knew, RIGHT NOW, I need to quit or there will be severe consequences. Still at times I would smoke to the point where I would be high/strung out all day and not care about doing anything or socializing with anyone which led to being antisocial, and eventually this state of being high would no longer be satisfying and rather give me anxiety and paranoia. I really needed to quit this substance abuse but I didn't feel normal without smoking and would get headaches/migraines if I hadn't smoked within a few hours from waking up. Everytime I smoked I would feel my receptors getting "relieved" and could even feel it physically, like the feeling of chemicals moving around in my brain when I took a hit or got high. I knew at this point my brain chemistry had changed. Well finally when I quit, my brain was fried. It was a hard struggle dealing with the withdrawal symptoms but I am better than I was 4 months ago. Anyways, to this current state, I am struggling with anxiety, paranoia, derealization/depersonalization, obsessive–compulsive disorder, and possibly some symptoms of schizophrenia. I also need to add that I have a porn addiction, I believe I have a high sex drive and for months even years have not had sex so masturbation was a way to release my sexual urges. This eventually led to overmasturbation (3-4 times a day) and desensitization to women.

So I'm pretty much at rock bottom and can get suicidal.. BUT I know the only way I can go is up.

Anxiety. So lets see, before I started quitting, getting high would give me really bad anxiety and paranoia. I would already have a bad mind set but still got high which led me to having a bad high. I would really trip out during these highs but still I continued smoking. This strayed me to being antisocial and my father as well is antisocial so I believe these two factors together (his genetics & just getting high by myself) make it even worse. This anxiety would get to me at such extremes I had never experienced ever before in my life. After being antisocial, going to the mall would be very difficult or even doing simple daily tasks, going to the store, going to church, I would not want to go because of the anxiety. This anxiety would start out feeling as if all eyes were staring at me, everyone is looking at my every move, judging me, and it would just keep increasing, creeping up on me, as if I'm in a corner with no where to run, just trapped.

Paranoia. So paranoia has tooken its toll on me. I used to sell weed while my time smoking. This led to very extreme paranoia as a quote I always would remind myself, "If your not paranoid, your not cautious." Anyways, some factors which led up to my severe paranoia now is worrying about the cops, getting caught, getting caught smoking, getting charged for possession, going to jail, going to court, having a record, and the list goes on. I got paranoid to the point where I would always have to keep my eyes open for anything happening and be aware of my surroundings. In this state of mind, you have to be paranoid about the cops, other people trying to rob you, and just overall living uneasy, always having to watch over your shoulders. You have to keep your guard up and be on your toes so paranoia was only normal. I would be driving around and would always keep my eyes open for cop cars. I would be looking out of my windows for any type of suspicious activity. Yes I was paranoid.

Well my paranoia got worse even after this. I had a traumatizing event where I took LSD for my first time with two other people who I should have known not to take it with, due to me not being really close/good friends with them. Anyways during this trip, I started feeling and getting negative vibes from these two and was having a really bad trip. We were stuck in a room though, with no where else to go and I just couldn't escape these feelings I was experiencing. These feelings were of them being against me sorta as if they had something against me, making fun of me, and soon enough feeling as if in my mind "**** them" and they were my enemies. After awhile during the trip, I got into this state where I kind of lost myself, I didn't know who I was, where I was. I was crying and I tripped myself out too I thought we were gonna get caught by the cops and they were coming in the room. I remember I was crying hard and one of them told me to chill out and I looked at him deeply and sadistically telling him not to "leave me." (The paranoia of getting caught and being alone has gotten to me). Well after these events, we went to the car and they were trying to level me down by smoking but somehow I got into this state where I thought the cops were behind us and we were in deep ****. I started seeing visuals of blue/red sirens and I really thought this was it. Eventually this stopped and I calmed down and it was just too much for them so they took me home. This event really ****ed me up, the paranoia due to being on LSD had gotten to such extremes it traumatized me.

So at this current state, I am somewhat at a state of paranoia but more in terms of having paranoid behavior. To explain this paranoid behavior, say I'm at a park and theres a tree and a road behind the tree. Say I'm staring at the tree as if it is straight forward right in front of me but if a car drives by, once I see the car in my peripheral vision, it will catch and change my attention to it and I will automatically turn my eyes looking to it/seeing who it is. To further explain, it would be a beneficial behavior if I were playing a gun/shooting type of video game where I would need to be focused on the screen and be alert of everything moving. This however is very detrimental to my behavior because I can't stay focused. Whenever something moves in my peripheral vision, my attention is diverted to it. I know this is built up from my paranoia because this was a behavior for being aware of cops but it has become a built habit/state which I need to change. This is very harmful behavior because things such as talking to someone, I can't even focus, even though my eyes are focused on this person, if something/someone moves in my peripheral, my attention is turned to that and my mind is no longer focused on the conversation. To further explain, do I need to do some type of mind exercises where I can focus my attention to one thing? This type of behavior might also relate to something where I would be present physically but my mind was totally elsewhere. An example to help explain this would be, having to walk by a cop and knowing I had weed on me but in my head, I had to calm my mind and body to act normal. Having/doing this type of behavior, u build it up into this state where it acts normally right? So how would I go about changing it?

A lot of this paranoia was built up but I am trying to figure out how I can change these habits. In terms of being paranoid, I try to mentally and verbally tell myself whenever I am feeling anxious/paranoid, "There is nothing to be scared of, nothing/no one is going to harm me." So overall, it is these paranoid behaviors that I have built up over time that I am trying to change, I am not really in a state of feeling paranoia, if you know what I mean.
I also had some traumatizing events happen to me so it may help in understanding how I induced these psycological symptoms.

Derealization/depersonalization. Before smoking I didn't really have these symptoms aside from distorted perception and loss of coordination. It kept increasing the more I continued smoking but I also had a traumatizing event that changed me. A couple months before I quit smoking, I was on the train and these 2 cops came in. I was high and had weed on me. Being paranoid, and referring to 2 paragraphs up, I was trying to calm my mind and body to look normal. Being high, this didn't work. I was paranoid and tripped myself out to this state where I was looking in a distorted 3d perception where I could view me and the 2 other cops. So physically on the train, I'm sitting down and these cops are about a foot away but in my mind, eyes open, I am envisioning us in 3d looking at all of us. This vision went on for 1-2 minutes. I mean literally it was like I wasn't seeing straight but rather my mind was so powerful I tripped myself out to see us this way. Finally the train arrived at the next stop and they got off. This event left my perception different. Now my sense of vision has changed as if my surroundings are more 3d and tripped out. Sometimes I feel disconnected from the world and objects are more further away. I don't know how to change this. How do I sync back to reality? I know I am different now because even in familiar settings such as being at home feel different and unusual. For example, if you were away from home for awhile and finally came back into your old room, you would feel the vibe of how its always been, being home, being familiar. But for me, its like it has lost its touch or rather I am out of touch. I have never experienced this before in my life until now aside from distorted perception from smoking.

Obsessive–compulsive disorder/porn addiction/overmasturbation. So I've been researching on my own for these 3-4 months about how I am going to combat (meditation, therapies) my way to recovery. I have not been able to see a psychologist (due to not having the financial means) to see what I actually have and am diagnosed with but through thorough research I can say I relate and am experiencing some symptoms of these types of psychologically disorders. So obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was reading on another forum (which led me to this forum) about people with OCD that have different sexual thoughts ranging from sexual thoughts with children, incest, and homosexual thoughts, but have no desire to be. These people were deeply terrified by these thoughts and were getting depressed eating away at them every second of the day. These would question them to am I a horrible person? Why am I even thinking this? Should I die? Well unfortunately, I have experienced the incest/homosexual thoughts as well but just over the past couple days of discovering the thread, its has given a great amount of stress off my shoulders because I am aware that these are just thoughts and nothing but thoughts. If they are put into action then it would result in what it is but I was battling this for about 3 months, thinking why do I keep thinking these thoughts? I've never in my life ever wanted or desired to be gay or have sex with family. Am I in denial? What if I really am? I even contemplated suicide because it was eating away at my mind, every second of everyday. I was disgusted. Never in my life growing up, had I ever thought about being homosexual or incest. Even seeing acts of homosexuality (hugging/kissing/etc) grossed me out and I disgusted laying my eyes upon such stuff. But after reading the thread, I found there were other people who were battling this as well but it was due to OCD. So I'm guessing I possibly may have OCD. They say OCD is due to a deficiency in serotonin? I know smoking weed can affect serotonin/dopamine/neurons and doing other drugs as well plus overmasturbation affects it too. So is it possible there is an unbalance of serotonin as I do believe my brain chemistry is different now? But anyways, how this correlates to a problem I have is this behavior I can't seem to get rid of. Whenever I look at someone, I automatically look at their private area instead of their eyes. I think this might relate to my porn addiction/overmasturbation because when I watched porn I love watching females giving bjs. I would get off on bjs and staring at the private region. I don't know how this behavior developed, maybe through overmasturbation and the chemical changing somehow? Its like whenever I look at someone I automatically look at their private area. When I enter a room, a building, or someplace, or someone enters instead of looking at their face/eyes I have this habit to look at their private and then try correct it quickly looking to their eyes. Its really detrimental behavior and I'm starting to do it even to family. I haven't talked to them about it but it is freaking me out and I don't want to give the wrong intentions. I have this problem and do it to anyone. I had a bad panic attack last week going downtown because I was walking down an outside mall and everytime I a new person walked by I would eye them at their privates then try to correct it and look at their eyes. But it would give them the wrong impression, especially to guys like I'm checking them out. I really don't know how to change this behavior, I've been trying to give verbal reassurance like "Whenever I see someone, I will look at them in their eyes." or "You are not gay, stop looking at their privates." but its not helping much. How do I correct this? I am planning to quit watching porn and masturbating for awhile. I recently got with this chick a week ago and masturbating feels so artificial to physically getting with someone and having that connection. My sense feel so much different. Anyways, another problem I have is being triggered by homosexual words. For example, If someone says gay, I get triggered and reacted by it. It's like it doesn't just process in my head but I am affected by it. I know this had to do with the homosexual thoughts I was battling but the word triggering has been getting better over the past few days too. But still how would I be able to overcome it and not react to it, I guess be able to process it and regularly? Words such as "gay, blowjob, such my ****". Its like I'm conditioned to react to these words so how do I reverse it? Also, even nonsexual words I can react to and make it sexual such as "big, long, small, thick, etc." These words aren't sexual but whenever I hear them I automatically think something sexual. How do I uncondition this?

I know this is a lot but I greatly appreciate anyone who has advice or help to offer. I never would have thought ever in my life, I would be experiencing these psychological problems. I know I have no one else to blame and I believe I am going to have to be active in order to battle these illnesses. Thanks again for taking your time to read and help. May the Creator and karma bless you.

[Travelinglady]

I suggest you begin by talking to a regular doctor about your situation. Maybe this kind of doc would be cheaper than a psychiatrist. It does sound like you have really done a number on your brain, and I am glad you have quit and are trying to get help for your problems.

You might want to post in the different forums here related to your ailments and see what people suggest there. You have a lot going on and one person isn't likely to be able to suggest what you might do for so many different problems.

I certainly do hope your brain will be able to get some healing and you'll be on your way to recovery soon.

I'm not a doctor but I think your issues were present before drug use. I'm sure the drug use could have exacerbated the problems. At any rate you should see a doctor and try to get some therapy to help you sort all these things out.