[TheLokiWolf]

Well, one more session with my T before we take a 39 day break as were both off on holidays.

Im dreading thursday. ive know for a while this was coming, but i cant stand the thought of someone leaving. so i ignored it pushed it aside. now im freaking out. Im having fits of panic several times a day. im hardly eating, i feel sick more often than not. my body feels like its on fire, which if obviously not true because im shivering in the 3 degree celcius temperatures here. im getting huge headaches, some so bad i cant stand or ill be in town shopping and suddenly forget where i am and what im doing then panic some more.I am an absolutge mess. and i know that. but no matter what i do i cannot stop or calm my brain, or even say outloud to myself "Its ok T is leaving but she promised shes coming back. she promised." as much as i want to, theres this huge part of me thats convinced something will happen or she wont want to see me or she just wont come back. im having recurring nightmares which i told her about today. When she told me she was going for 4 weeks, i straight away planned a trip interstate to see my mum. I didnt even want to be in this town while my T was gone. Ive started a book for when i go. so i can write to her everyday and we can look at it when we catch up again. Im even taking my cat with me. and my teddy. and my blanket. ive made all these plans and preperations but im still out of my mind with panic. Im not sleeping because im having nightmares. A vision i see (hallucination apparently) talks to me all the time, or rather yells, telling me she wont come back she hates me everything is my fault. the voices are screaming louder. i feel like im being followed. my T knows im panicking, but i dont think she realises how bad. im out of control. completely. And i have no idea what to do or where to turn. i just keep crying and running to a corner. i spend most of my day in my safe corner afraid to leave. Why is this so hard? weve had a break before...but i didnt panic like this. i panicked but this is a whole other level. I dont know what to do. I dont like these feelings and i want them to go away. but everything im trying is not doing anything. im at war with myself.

******
should mention, im excited because im seeing my mum and puppies and bro and mums partner for the first time in over 5 months. but still....

[lostinbooks]

I'm so sorry. I don't really know what to say. You are strong and will get through it. Hopefully some of these feelings will subside as soon as you lay eyes on your mom.

[Tamster]

Oh my sweet loki remember that you will be with your family and they love you and oh puppies and your moms new friend that will be special. Will u be away from us? I hope not but if you are know we will miss you.

Dear Loki stay strong and know we are thinking of you, take good care. Bye Sami

[TheLokiWolf]

Yeah im taking the laptop Sami. So ill be around occasionally. Not as much but yeah.