[CherryTreeXx]

I am a 19-year old girl and I have been through a lot of rejection in my life and it has left me utterly traumatised. I was bullied so badly at school that I dropped out when I was just 15-years old and I never even got to sit my GCSEs. When I was 15 my 40-year old half-brother used to have sex with me and my mum told me to tell the police that he raped me, which I did. The following day I dropped the charges and I haven't seen him since. Even though my half-brother treated me less than the dust on the Earth I still love him, I am obsessed with him and I think about him everyday and I am utterly heartbroken. Then last year, I ended up getting bullied on Facebook by my half-brother's in-laws (they're aware that we fell out but they don't know that he used to have sex with me at 15). They would call me fat, ugly, a slut, a tosser and I don't forget any of them words. I believe them. I think about them everyday and I don't think that I can ever forget them. Because I dropped out of school so young I lost the very few friends that I did have as I developed social anxiety, obviously because of the bullying.

The anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks and painful memories of all that I've been through have affected me so much that I even dropped out of my College course earlier this year because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't concentrate and do the work properly there.
My course was Level 1 in Catering. I had dreams of becoming a chef but I didn't enjoy the course at all and I thought that this might be because catering wasn't for me but I know that even if I were doing a Hairdressing course, Beauty therapy course, etc. I still wouldn't concentrate and focus properly because of the horrible flashbacks that I keep experiencing everyday. How do I make them go away?

My tutor told me that she thought that I wasn't ready for any course. She told me that I had to sort my head out before I could start any College course and reach for any qualifications.

She told me that I should go home and write down in a notepad when I was happy and what happened to trigger my unhappiness. She said that there's demons inside me and there is! I have done this, I know what has triggered my unhappiness but it doesn't stop me from feeling unhappy. I understand why I am unhappy, I know what is triggering it but it makes no difference at all. I am so lonely, confused, lost, hopeless, helpless and scared. I'm a nervous wreck. I let everyone walk all over me because the bullying completely wrecked my confidence and self-esteem. I believe every word that they said about me. What do I do?

I have just come off anti-depressants (I was on 20mg Citilopram, for 3 and a half months) and I have just started taking 5HTP (400mg daily, one 200mg capsule in the morning and one just before bed). I have only started taking the 5HTP for two days and I can't really say if they're working or if they're better than the anti-depressants. The anti-depressants did work but I don't want to be on anti-depressants all my life and they made me gain weight and become very lazy and unmotivated. I would rather try herbals because they are healthier and have less side effects so I really want to persist with these.

What about St John's Wort? Do they work? Are they good? Can I take them with 5HTP and if so what is the best brand? I know I could do with therapy but it costs a lot of money and I am currently unemployed and my head is so messed up at the moment that I don't think that I am able to even work. I just wish that my head was completely sorted and that I was happy inside so that I can carry out daily tasks, cope with whatever obstacles and challenges may come my way, set my goals and reach for their achievement everyday.

Everyday is like a survival. I don't even feel like I am living a life. I feel like I am living in a prison, not just when I'm alone crying in my room but also when I am out, going to the cinema and shopping with my best friend, etc. There's no light or happiness inside me at all. I want to take control of my life and my future. How do I take back control?

[spondiferous]

Sorry to hear of all of this. And sorry that you were treated like that by your brother. I don't blame you for what you are going through, and I can't fathom that anyone else would either, except, y'know, it happens all the time. 'Blame the victim'. It's easier for people to do that than to take a look at themselves and the failing systems.
I agree with what your tutor said. It's really hard to focus on stuff like college, and making a decision about what direction you want to go in academically, when you are still being so triggered and having flashbacks like you are. It's not that you're a failure. And I could tell you this till I'm blue in the face and I know that when people tell me I don't always believe them...but, you DO NOT deserve what people tell you about yourself and you ARE NOT what they say. They aren't even speaking to a person when they say those things. They are completely disconnected from themselves and they do not have all of the information.
Have you thought about checking out the PTSD section of the forums, if you haven't already? It sounds like you could really use some support with this. Also I see that you posted this quite some time ago. Are there any improvements? Have you managed to find any natural supplements to facilitate healing? I know that St Johns Wort can react with a lot of things, and in fact has to be taken carefully even on its own. So that would be something to check in about with a doctor.
It would be nice to hear from you and see how you're doing.