[Redsoft]

I know. I sound horrible. I've accepted the fact many people would think I am horrible for thinking like this.

...But seriously. I've just discovered I may have a disorder that relates to this kind of thinking, but these thoughts definitely have roots with anxiety too. ...I think?

I believe in giving people a neutral level of respect. Whether they proceed to give me reason to retract that respect or gain more in my eyes is something seen only with time. I have a strong conviction over the sense that we live in a society - let us behave as a civilized one, function like adults, and maintain that barrier of respect between all people until notable individual reactions dictate otherwise.

Honestly, a lot of the time, I don't care about other people's personal feelings. That's their "issue" or perspective. However, I do find it unacceptable to hurt or alter people's feelings because of disrespect or dishonoring their individualism. If I know something will make someone upset, it is (generally) messed up to do that thing, unless it is for their own good (e.g. putting a suicidal person in the hospital, to be extreme). It is without humility or humanity.

I feel like I am constantly thinking about affecting others' feelings. Personally, I feel things should be said if they are truths, but people are people, and you can't just go around to people saying, "You're being a real ***** today. Did you eat something?" unless you know them significantly well, otherwise all hell breaks loose because of people's feeeeeelings.

I'm absolutely sick of it. I feel like I constantly roll over to cater to this general societal rule that you don't rock the boat unless you need to flip it back over because I am so anxious about confronting the aftermath, moreso than others. I feel like my own, albeit limited, feelings suffer because of trying to respect others' so much in that I am constantly holding my tongue. People like to treat me like a doormat (and I don't realize 'til it's been done), because I don't find it prudent to make issues of things. I have enough issues to think about than getting in an argument. I then realize, for example, I've agreed to do all the work for something while the other person makes excuses, etc... So now, as of the last few months especially, I am also very paranoid of people's underlying or hidden motives, because I've been such a push-over forever. ...And it makes no sense, because I'm a pretty angry person - you'd think I'd just explode each time, based on the rest.

It makes me feel neurotic, and want to avoid social interaction even more so. It's just so much work to me. Even just pretending to give a **** about what the grocery teller thinks of the weather is terribly taxing to me, on top of the anxiety of having to speak to them in general. I just don't care about people's feelings that I don't know. Why should I? We have nothing to do with each other.

This isn't to say I treat strangers like trash to be discarded....I just stay away from them, and give a bare-minimum cordial response if there is brief contact (like "excuse me" or a nod if eye contact is made somehow), so that feelings stay neutral. No reason for me to make their day, just as there is no reason for me to break it.

I have a hard time saying "no" except in certain special relationships. I can't even say no to my sister, who of course knows this and walks all over me almost every extended interaction. One day, I am sure I will explode - the reason I haven't is because she has emotional and self-esteem issues, and know she will go to pieces. Rather than feel sad or remorseful that I'd be doing that, I just feel like...."Sighhhhh. Great. That'll be a hassle when it hits."

I feel comfortable on forums because there is the sense of known and agreed separation mentally and physically, and if someone, including myself, doesn't like something, they can just not comment or move on. One can ask questions to a whole range of individuals with different practical experiences and find answers and opinions, and is not forced by the face-to-face experience to be fancifully agreeable or awkwardly disagree. Conversely, one can add to these opinions and answers to help aid practically and based on experience. I definitely believe working out feelings is extremely important, because it helps us grow rationally from that upset.

I've just recently got engaged a few months ago, and just a couple weeks (even after being assured there would no involvement, because it happened to them) was completely walked all over by association by my soon-to-be parents-in-law because they disrespected my fiance (and seem to fortnightly, to his sister too). They can't deal with their own ****. Because our choices are ones they wouldn't make, they were wrong choices, et cetera. They went crazy, pouring out their negative feelings and sappy crap because of this or that. It started because we're changing our last name to a new one, and they were telling my fiance things like they 'felt like he [was] erasing' them...Omg. NONE of their business. It led to another thing, and another thing, and another thing....I feel like they've just short of ruined my engagement period (it's only a few months long) because of how soured and resentful I've become, and how appalled I am at how they've treated their own son, making him consider the fact they "[were]'nt sure" if they'd be attending the wedding because of it, or if he would be disowned for all of the things they didn't agree with - even hotel location.

I have zero respect for them left (I had little beforehand, including zero trust), and if it were up to me, I would tell them I expect them to absent for the wedding, then not interact with them for probably quite a few years at least. But because my fiance balances me out, he's quite sensitive, and I know that to distance us from his parents (they are his parents after all) would greatly hurt him, despite their consistent negative actions and disrespect. If my parents did to me what my fiance's do to him, and especially throughout my entire life, I would no longer associate with them. Instead, I'm once again stuck playing placid, and have to interact with them as if I care. They've always been nice to me, but I know their true nature. Visiting now is spine-prickling for me, but instead of taking a stand in saying I will not be visiting any longer because I am too uncomfortable....here I am, playing the game with hugs and smiles. I can't stand being fake for the sake of propriety.

This is the kind of "rolling over" and doormat-like experiences I'm talking about, though obviously the above is a special situation. It put me over the edge. I feel like so many problems would be solved if everyone was less concerned with hurting others' feelings briefly and cared more about truth and growth. And I hate that I'm so paranoid about doing that, not hurting others, to seemingly an unhealthy extent. I just don't want to deal with the aftermath.

I don't even know what I expect from this post, but at the very least it's a vent session I guess. Am I crazy? Does this sound similar to anyone else's anxious experiences, or is this probably related to something other than just anxiety? If you made it, thanks for reading my word vomit.

[priva]

I read this in a hurry, but if I read this correctly I think I can sympathize with where you're coming from. If I understand what you're saying correctly, you're afraid to talk with people sometimes because you're not sure how to say things appropriately, or don't always know what is appropriate? If so, I feel that way often.

There's definitely a difference between saying, "You're such a jerk. No, I won't do this," and "Sorry, but I've got a lot on my plate now, so I'm not going to be able to do this," or even "Sorry, but I'm not comfortable doing this because (reason)." It's socially acceptable to decline requests, as long as you do it in a "nice" way. If you do your part-if you are polite-then if the person takes offense, it's their issue, not yours. Finally, I'd perhaps try to talk a bit with your fiance's parents? I don't think you should see them if it makes you uncomfortable, but at the same time, if it means a lot to him, you've got to take that into consideration.

If that's not what you meant, I'm sorry. Let me know if I misunderstood.

[Redsoft]

It's not that I don't know how to say things properly, it's just that it makes me uncomfortable doing so, and having to worry about what the "right" thing is. I have to formulate it from scratch, rather than just "know," even for every day things, common courtesies. When I do, things turn out just fine, but to do so is a huge effort and worsens my anxiety.

Like....if it were really me answering, I'd say something else, often things people wouldn't "like to hear" or would honestly just be construed as *****y even if it's the truth, or for the sake of saying something they should hear. I'm blunt, the real me; I cut to the chase. But I recognize that isn't the way majority of society works, and of course it is not my place to go around telling people what they "should" hear, (even if it they really should), because it's not my place to assume I know that or am the one that should be saying it at all. Things like that. So, because of this, I often stay quiet, and then I get the pleasure of having people talk about me in third person while I'm sitting next to them, which makes me even more anxious because it's so angering.

I wish I could talk with my fiance's parents, and if something else happens, they deserve everything that will fly out of my mouth. Thing is, they're cowards, and never say any of the terrible things they do with me around, only to my fiance and his sister, and 90% of the time it's over the phone or via text. Honestly, not trying to sound like tough **** or anything like that, but I think they KNOW that I wouldn't take what they're trying to serve, and so they make sure I'm not around. The moment they do, all bets are off, even if it's the day of my wedding. I have plenty of friends and family that would be happy to escort them from the venue, haha. It's sad I even have to consider this as a possibility.

Can't help but to wish for them to slip up, but I know that's not right - it's just that it would give me the chance to say what I want/need to, with the full conviction that I usually lack. Sad part is, in regard to my fiance's sake, I know they will slip up again, which will ultimately just hurt him. Wish I really felt like I was gaining a family instead of an obligation/ball & chain. As it is, if I can get out of not visiting, I do. And, an unexpected blessing is that my fiance's father is verrry allergic to cats, and we have two in our little place, so they can't come to us. Darn. Hah. At least there's that for a bit of a forcefield, haha.

Since their actions during our engagement, my mental health quality has gone drastically down, including an increase in my anxiety and paranoia. I'm not a blameful person and don't believe in grudges, but this one has been, ugh, IS hard to swallow. I want them out of my life. I wouldn't miss them. And that does make me sad.

Thank you for responding.