[Mustkeepjob32]

I've already posted the below post on the member introduction forum but I wanted to also copy it here. Thank you.

Hello all!

I'm a 35 y/o gay male returning to PsychCentral after being gone for so long. I feel guilty for having left as if my life had gotten better to not eat PC anymore. The truth is my life hasn't gotten better at all. It has stayed the same or worse.
I live in Tijuana with my partner who can't come into the US. When I work I have to work in the US and the most easiest thing has been taking travel assignments in my chosen profession but I very bad track record. I start out OK in my job but then miss work and sabotage myself and eventually get fired. This has happened almost more times that I can count.
I have depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder that was finally diagnosed a few years ago by an excellent psychiatrist in Tijuana when no other pdoc in the US had picked up on that.
My parents have helped me financially sending me money every month for a a few years but some of this money is out of their retirement and I feel horribly guilty about it.
I'm educated and if I was more stable, could have a "normal" life that so many other people have because I would make good money. But I never keep a job long enough to get to that point.
I am overweight and have a birth defect and always feel unattractive and am always wanting encounters with men but never have the guts to go through with it because of feeling so ugly and undesirable.
When I'm not working, I don't drink, but I when I am gone on assignment, I drink on my days off. I try to control it and drink only when I know I have the next day to fully recover from the post-anxiety/hangover but it usually doesn't work out. So that has everyone labeling me an alcoholic on top of everything else but what is weird is that sometimes I miss a day at work even when I hadn't been drinking recently. I just do it because I wake up and suddenly feel incredibly nervous that the momentary pleasure of not having to go to work once I call in overcomes me. Even though later I feel guilty and leads to problems and loss of job.
Because of aforementioned work problems, my resume is a joke. The fact that I've gotten so many jobs is amazing because I know most HR people think I'm a joke. And I KNOW there will come a time when no one will give me a job in my chosen field that I do love/am good out, but just because of personal issues, can't keep a job.
I'm currently visiting my parents after recently losing a job because I missed too many days for untrue sickness. Then I got really sick with a gout flair-up and truly had to miss work and they fired me. I love visiting my parents for the first day or two and then their comments and my Dad's mean comments hurt me to the core all over again and sometimes I even have to take a Seroquel to calm down. I am here now and for the moment we are getting along.
I am planning to start another job in September and while I'm excited/nervous that I have another possibility to make money, enjoy some of life's normal things, and rebuild my career. But I have a fear that I won't be able to do it. Even if I totally abstain from alcohol that still I will be weak and not keep my scheduled shifts.
When I'm not working, I am in veritable poverty unable to get unemployment and draining my parents' financial stores. I can't let this continue.
I don't get regular therapy but I do have that great Psychiatrist in Tijuana but since I'm so poor, I don't get to see her too often. I am on Effexor, Divalproex (as an adjunct) and very occasional Seroquel for uncontrollable emotions.
I think this post may be disjointed but for all those who read it I thank you so much. I feel better just with writing all this down.

Z

[kaliope]

well welcome back to Psych Central. it certainly sounds like you have a lot of stressors going on in your life. as you may remember, we have several forums here that will address your issues. you will get lots of support here. good luck at your new job.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thank you kaliope. I do have stressors, but I need to just accept them as they are and not judge them, be in the present, and not worry about the past or future. HAH! Easier said than done but I would like to at least attempt to do the above.

Z