[Ohlostme]

Can't say I've had a lot of experience with anxiety attacks. Of course, I can't say that I've had none, either. Because I have. But not often, not in a paralyzing way and not for a while (thankfully).

HOWEVER --

In the last day or two (or three), I've been getting what I'd have to call "reality flashes," where I look around, see where I am (California, which I hate), and say to myself, "So, here I am, in a place that rips out my soul with misery. Everything I look at just makes me want to cry (actually, I could use the word "die," but we're not supposed to post about suicide). Some people would be glad to be here, but..." and then I feel an overwhelming sense of despair. Like I feel helpless to get out of this hot insane asylum. Like I'll be stuck here forever. Very scary and depressing. MAJOR demoralization. Overwhelming despair (it bears repeating).

I've said that, if I haven't gotten money together to make an out-of-state move by the time I'm 60 (in 4 years), I'm going to sell everything I own, throw the cats in the car and get the hell out of this dump, no matter what. But I'm a practical animal. I've lived destitute, I've lived thousands of miles from anyone I know...I really don't want to try to live somewhere else again when I don't have all of my ducks in a row. I've done it the wrong way and I know what the "right" way is, but somehow I just can't force myself to do what is necessary to get it started. It's not something that can be done in a few days (starting your own business, saving money for an out of state move and to buy a house, etc). It's not procrastination. It's...I don't know. Fear? Emotional exhaustion from having gone through so many ordeals and emotional upheavals in the last 10 1/2 years (my whole life, really). I just don't want to put the time and effort into something if it might fail. I feel too exhausted to do that. But, when I think of being stuck in this dump, and possibly dying here, the cold chill goes straight through me. I try to think about something else (because I feel like there's nothing I can do about it at the moment), but these thoughts keep flashing on me every time I go outside.

Panick attacks? Something everyone goes through, in some form? Just exhaustion?