[Mainline]

Hello!

First off, this is my first post and I believe I am in the right place. I was going to put this in the general area due to my many and not one specific problem, but reading the moderator's advice I decided to place this in this area as well as in the depression group.

I am going to make this brief but to the point. More details to follow if this turns to be helpful. Anyways, I am 40+ years old and have had problems as long as I can remember. I have been seeing therapists and psychiatrists (? - what I call pill doctors) for 30 years. I even went into in-patient when I was 18. I have never really listened to anyone and thought all therapists were quacks until I finally grew up, hated the way I am and started taking things seriously. I finally just found a therapist a little over a year ago that I can connect with and is helping quite a bit.

I am on so many medications I make pharmacy shelves look empty compared to my bathroom shelf. On a daily basis just so you get an idea, these are what I take:
For anxiety:
Ultram - 150mg
Inderal - 80mg
Xanax - 1mg
Depakote - 1000mg
For ADHD/OCD:
Ritalin - 60mg
For depression:
Lithium - 300mg
For my headaches:
Imitrex - 200mg (as needed)
Neurontin - 1800mg
For sleep:
Klonopin - 1mg
Ambien - 10mg

I also have high cholesterol that I take 5mg of Crestor. These are just the daily meds. I also need to take Ibuprofen and Excedrin and other stuff if I have a cold etc.

I know these meds have improved me mentally, but things keep changing from month to month. Also, even though I am on all these meds, if I am having an anxiety attack I have a very hard time getting out of it. Same as depression - it takes what seems like forever to feel better. Fuses? I have a very short one if I have one at all. Doesn't take much to set me off and the problem is everyone around me gets the brunt of it. Also takes me a long time to calm down.

How much junk does a guy need or have to go through!?! I know life is not fair but WOW! I can be sitting watching tv just fine one second, then want to jump up and scream the next. I can be talking to someone nicely, then all it takes is a "look" or certain movement from them that will set me off (in my mind) that ruins me the rest of the day. My wife can say something that hurts and I can be depressed for a week! I take everything personal so I know that doesn't help anything either. I cant fall asleep at night - even taking my sleeping pills - so I am up until 3-4am. My mind just RACES when it is bed time or I lay down and usually it is all the negative BS that is going on in my life that I think of. Then when I finally do fall asleep I do not wake up until 1-2pm and I was to be at work at 9:00! (we own a store so either my wife is there or our helper - but it is still not fair to them) Funny thing is the night before I will be all gung-ho on what I want to do the next day, then I don't get up and fail to do anything. I sit around saying how stupid I am but instead of jumping up getting to work, I make excuses not to (adhd) and really don't give a crap. "Let the store close" I tell my wife but I only mean it for a second. Or, I will mean it, but then she agrees and something switches in my head and its like - oh crap, now what! I really didn't mean it and now how can I turn this around again!

I have so many projects started and not finished it is sickening - and no ambition to finish them (adhd)! Jump at people for no reason (anxiety), one day things are fine and the next I question myself why I am even around (depression). Someone will be tailgating me and all I want to do is slam on my breaks! They would be at fault - right? But how stupid is that thinking!!! I also have major self-esteem problems but I am not going to bore you with that yet.

I went on long enough even though there is MUCH more to tell. Like I asked though, is anyone else as messed up as me? Thanks for reading!

[avlady]

Anxiety is the hardest thing i think anyone can go through. It stops us in our tracks like a freight train. All i really know is breathing exercises and medicatins I hope things work out for you and pray you will be able to better handle this anxiety.

[Jolisse]

IMO you're over medicated.

[Mainline]

Thank you two for taking the time to read my post and to reply!

Avlady - You are 100% saying anxiety is hard to go through. It has been ruling my life. Then, with depression, ADHD, OCD and bi-polar being thrown in the mix, it can sometimes make things (even the smallest of things) unbearable or impossible to cope with.

Jolisse - I know, it seems like I take way too many meds. They have been trying to find ones or combinations that work for many many years. I take Ritalin for adhd but doesn't help with anything else. I was on Adderall but it gave me headaches. Anxiety wise, I have been on what seems like everything under the sun. So they tried Depakote which helped but not enough. Once he added Ultram, Inderal and Xanax it worked better that anything we tried as of yet (but still "tweaking"). Depression is Lithium. I was on Zoloft and Prozac but that heightened my anger. Then with Imitrex, Neurontin, Klonopin and Ambien in the mix I have myself a drug cocktail! Funny though, if I miss just one dose of any of these, I can really tell a difference.

These mostly are meds that are used for something else like seizures etc. but I guess according to my doc the med or combination of is what is helping me (theoretically speaking). For instance Ritalin (upper/speed) and Xanax (downer)? Wouldn't they cancel themselves out? Don't know! Every dock and pharmacist I talked to said no - not in my case. My doc even said at my last visit he wants to cut something back but has no idea what because this is somewhat working.

I want life to be easier and not as many hurdles! Nobody has to go through this much crap - not in one lifetime!

[Switch]

So I only got though half of your post, sorry, but I have to agree, you are over medicated. For one, lithium is for bipolar disorder, not depression, and though it helps low mood it is known for managing mania. and 300 mg of lithium is just a starting dose. I'm on 600mg, which is considered very low but for some reason any higher makes things worse. However, I can't see 300mg a day doing very much. I know many people who are on 1000-1200mg a day. Lithium has to do with putting lithium into your blood, and getting the right "lithium level" in your bloodstream. I cap low at .7 I think, but mostly that want you between .7 and .9

It just seems odd to me that you would be on such a low dose of lithium of all things. Again, it's a mood stabilizer, not an antidepressant.

And anxiety, imo is best handled by learning to handle it, not by medicating it. PRN medication (meds you take as needed) help for panic attacks but if you're constantly medicating yourself just to get through the day you're never going to be able to learn to get through the day.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Ultram a pain med? My ex would take it for chronic pain.

[Switch]

Alright finished reading your post.

You seem to look at everything as a whole bunch of things acting on little parts of your life. I did the same for a while. I too have a lot of diagnosis. However, when I started dealing with everything as a whole life got a bit easier, and I managed to go back to school. So instead of saying "this is Adhd" or "this is depression" think instead "this needs to be dealt with".

And sure, I still fall back into that too, no one's perfect, but things cross over.

So to answer your question "is anyone as messed up as I am?" well I will say it's not a race or a competition. We are all "messed up" as you put it, all in our own way all to our own degree. For example, I don't have ADHD, but I do dissociate, which is neither harder or easier to deal with. We all have our struggles, and we all struggle with them, and I don't believe anyone has the right to say "i am worse" or "I am better" than you, or "I struggle more" because we all struggle different. No two of us go through the same thing, and no two of us deals with it in exactly the same way.

I think going to your T is a really good thing, and you sound like you're being very proactive. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. Maybe think about taking more of a therapy approach than a meds approach because I think maybe the amount of meds your on is part of what's causing so much issue. You're probably on meds that are treating side effects of meds and you don't even know it.

Good luck and stay safe.

[-jimi-]

Ultram is an opiate. You can zone out on those just as any other opiate. Some people with depression/anxiety get hooked on opiates because they feel better here and now, but in the long run they don't help mood one bit. Here it would be total malpractice to prescribe an opiate for mental stuff.

I'm seriously not pro therapy, but maybe in your case you need it. You can unlearn to be set off. I worked hard for years (alone) and I can now reason with myself, I can delay getting set off so I don't, I have found ways I didn't know to reason with people who set me off so we take misunderstandings out of the equation, tons of tricks. People simply cannot make me spiral down anymore. Not at all the same as they could a decade ago. Then I had no solid ground, my world was balancing on a knife's edge.

I do admit I take an antidepressant and it did help me chill from the worst crap. Without it I would never been able to start working on myself. It made it possible to sometimes stand on both feet so to speak, and after I could work with widening my ground. Unfortunately I had to take the therapy route alone since therapists set me off worse than anyone else.

I don't really have much of a comment about your meds else than what I said because I have no idea what you have tried in the past.

[-jimi-]

I'll add I have five mental diagnoses and a few physical. But I see that as a way of describing things. In my mind I merge a few, some I see are caused by a first one and so on. And I'd say 80 % of my stuff is based on the brain thing called low latent inhibition.

I can see myself as less "messed up" than a person with only one diagnosis.

[unaluna]

I think if you slam on your brakes, now they get you for aggressive driving or something. Yes the other person is supposed to keep their vehicle under control at all times, but i think too many people have tried this trick so you might not be able to get away with it anymore.

Youre lucky you have people to support you.

[Switch]

Originally Posted by jimi...

Ultram is an opiate. You can zone out on those just as any other opiate. Some people with depression/anxiety get hooked on opiates because they feel better here and now, but in the long run they don't help mood one bit. Here it would be total malpractice to prescribe an opiate for mental stuff.

I was thinking that. You're right, I see that as a complete malpractice. And opiates are easy to get hooked on - I've been there. It was the only thing that I ever consider a serious addiction in my life.

[IndieVisible]

Anxiety is the hardest for me too, next would be getting enough sleep. I can usually cope very well with my depression, paranoia, or delusions. I get my butt beat every time with anxiety. You have all the meds need. Clearly you need to develop some coping skills too. That takes patience and practice and determination.

Your going to hear some totally ridiculous suggestions and explanations from family and friends and even some therapists too about anxiety. The truth of the matter is it's always easier said then done. I had a T tell me I don't need any meds, all I need to do is take deep breaths lol. WOW, why did I know think of that! You have to laugh at crap like that, it just shows how clueless they really are. It's not their fault, they are trying to help. And they are right we also need coping skills, but in addition to meds, not replacing meds.

I had SAD and GAD. The Zoloft eliminates 90% of SAD for me. And helps reduce some GAD. And this is with my coping skills. I still need either klonopin or xanax or some thing along that line to help.

Start a journal, try to look for patterns and triggers. Often it helps to recognize the triggers, of course I realize some times there are no triggers. Believe me I understand. When there is no trigger, your brain has stumbled on some thing worrisome in the background without telling you. There is always a cause and effect.

A journal helps me track my moods, anxiety, meds, triggers, sleep, coping skills, and shows me any patterns. I highly recommend you use Optimism a great program and totally free that does all that and so much more! At least check it out.

Some times I am totally messed up! I mean really totally, feel hopeless, useless, what's the point, I get it, I understand. But I also know me a little better now by looking at my history and trends from my graphs and charts. I can see which areas I need help in. This is a tool and does not substitute therapy which you also need. This tool is very helpful in addition to therapy and meds. Coping skills is important. Not easy, takes practice! Best of luck to you and feel free to PM me any time.

[-jimi-]

If breathing doesn't help, you know a warm bath does!


(Kidding of course.)

[gnat]

We're all crazy, and that's OK.

It sounds like your psychiatrist has not done a good job at educating you about your medications. Also, you are on a ton of stuff and may be taking meds just to deal with side effects from med.

Lithium and Depakote are both mood stabilizers for Bipolar Disorder- when you are getting angry, that is probably your manic side coming out and the depression sucks as well. Neurontin, although it is often used for pain control, is also a medication for bipolar disorder. I have never seen someone on all three of these medications at the same time.It sounds like they are not all that helpful. (I'm not a psychiatrist, just a social worker, so take what I say with a grain of salt).

Xanax is supposed to be used "PRN" or "take as needed" not on a daily schedule. It is an easy one to get addicted to, especially if taking it daily. It does not have a long lasting effect nor does it build up in your system as a daily anti-anxiety medication. It is supposed to be taken to take the edge of during a panic attack.

You are on a lot of meds which may interact with each other, I have never seen a cocktail such as this (and i have had clients on so many meds I always thought they might as well take them in a bowl with milk poured over them and a spoon). There is a lot of duplication of treatments.

I would HIGHLY recommend seeing another psychiatrist for a second opinion. If there is someone who is outside of your current psychiatrist's group, that would be best. You may want to start by asking your therapist if he/she recommends someone and because your therapist has some history on you, I'd recommend signing a release to allow communication between this person and your psychiatrist to ensure any behavioral changes are noted more objectively than you will be able to provide.

DO NOT adjust your meds on your own. Many of the medications you are on can be dangerous to stop abruptly.

Again, keep in mind I have limited training on psychotropic medications. I have no business making recommendations about your medications and perhaps they are the best for you, but it sounds you have concerns as well and a new doctor may do you some good, even if it's just a one time med review and get that person's thoughts to see if they think adjustments are appropriate.

[writerinstl1983]

Sometimes I feel like I take a lot though, too. Mainly for my anxiety and bipolar.
I take: Prozac, Lamictal, Topamax, Zyprexa, Restoril, Melleril, and Xanax xr

[-jimi-]

Diagnosing bipolar has to be properly made. Sometimes people are diagnosed depressed, put on depression meds and they go wild and manic. Not good. But sometimes people have depression with anxiety or like me, a lot of anger (used to). And that can look like bipolar so I was tried on some of those meds and they didn't help at all since my anger came from being tired and drained (so I couldn't regulate my thoughts and things got triggery), not from being hyper. I didn't need to be kept stable, I needed to be less depressed. So when I got the right depression med instead of bipolar meds, the bipolarness of my depression disappeared.

I think in my case since interpersonal stuff is always weird and draining to me, when I was depressed it got much worse and I misunderstood everyone on an almost daily basis. Made me look a bit borderline too. But it was just depression, not bipolar.

Sometimes things are not what they seem.

[IndieVisible]

All good points and I would like to emphasize some points again. I take xanax too, but I don't like it. I want to switch over to klonopin. Xanax is indeed the easiest to get addicted to. The reason is it does not last as long, so your body builds up a tolerance for it faster. It definitely should not be a scheduled benzo!

I also totally agree you should not adjust your meds before talking to your doc. Ask ahead of time like I do. For example, my started me on a very low dose of seroquel 50mg. He said I may need to take 100mg. I asked how high I can go. He said 150mg and if that doesn't work to wait until I seem him next and not to go over that. I asked first. The same with the Welbutrin, and Zoloft and every med I ever get.

That is a lot of meds you have been on. Prozac only made me hyper, I'm on Wellbutrin and Zoloft. Loving it. SO perhaps you might ask if you can try a different AD or drop that one. And of course a second opinion is also wise too.

[Mainline]

Thank you all for the responses! It is nice to know I am actually being "heard". Here are a couple answers and explanations.

Switch - What do you mean by "Dealing with everything as a whole"? Reason I ask is my therapists usually tell/told me to take one thing at a time and I will eventually get through it.

jimi - That is right where I am now. It can take just one person or one little thing to go what I feel is wrong and I would spiral right down - not knowing when I would be able to get back up again. Life for me has always been a balancing act - but it can take something as light as a feather to make me fall!

IndieVisible - Right on! Anxiety is definitely a bear! However, for me - depression is a close second. Then add all the other crap I am diagnosed with just plain and simple sucks! Your journal idea is definitely a great one! I have been keeping track daily of my moods, food and my sleep patterns for almost a year. I even have this app on my phone called Mood Watch that I use - even though I still find my written journal more useful. What I am finding to date is I usually feel better the day I see my therapist, that I have no real set routine, my sleep pattern stinks, I only eat one meal a day, and that there really is nothing that sets me off for an anxiety attack or a state of depression. Those seem to just "take me over" as they please and can come up without any notice.

gnat - I hear you about the meds. I had been thinking of getting a second opinion, but haven't. I have my mental health doc giving me stuff, personal doc giving me stuff and headache specialist giving me stuff. I had asked all three if this "cocktail" of meds is harmful to me and all gave the same answer - liver. So, I have to have a liver panel done every 6 months. Plus, as far as changing my mental doc, I have been with him for 10+ years and he knows all the things we tried - what works and doesn't.

The meds I am on have been an ongoing test on me since I have been with my doc - 10+ years. Lithium was the first to be prescribed. I had been on a 1200mg/day dose at one point. With the addition of others and as of today, Lithium went down, finding that not taking any I was more depressed and 600mg I was more on the edge. Same as Depakote. I was on 1500mg and as we lowered Lithium, Depakote did too, noticing that 500mg I was very angry and 1500mg made me drowsy. I also one time plain and simple did not go get my Depakote refill for three days - called me being irresponsible and lazy. Needless to say, I got violent until I was back on it.

As far as Ultram - yes it is mainly used as a pain med, however, it is also used in anxiety. This came about due to my headache doc. She prescribed it along with Inderal and Imitrex to be proactive on my headaches. I found that these also improved my moods, so my mental doc took over Ultram and Inderal and adjusted the doses accordingly - which actually he "upped" them. Believe me when I say my doc was leery prescribing Ultram. He did do research on it and when he seen it was used sometimes for anxiety he was more at ease. I admit I was nudging him a bit. When I went to the dentist and had some work, they prescribed me Vicadin. I also had shoulder surgery about 2 years ago and was given Oxycontin. I told my mental doc that taking these meds made me feel a lot better - not as much on the edge. He wouldn't prescribe those but did pick up on Ultram. So..... That is why I am on that.

When I was in in-patient I was diagnosed as bipolar. Later on in life, therapists and doctors say it is more likely anxiety and depression combating. Now, they think I have it again and am "clinically diagnosed" with it along with everything else.

This is what I mean. I am on so much crap it is hard to keep track of and remembering to take my pills - not to mention which one. Everything has been trial and error. Try something - makes me very angry - get off of it. Up a dose - lower something else - anxiety better but depression worsens. It's like I just can't win! I am right now at the most "stable" med stage I have been at, but there is SO much room for improvement! I just want to be happy and be what I can consider "normal"! There is so much junk going on in my life that makes it almost impossible for me to take some time to just help myself. That however is another forum and story.

Thanks again everyone for reading!

[Switch]

Originally Posted by Mainline

Switch - What do you mean by "Dealing with everything as a whole"? Reason I ask is my therapists usually tell/told me to take one thing at a time and I will eventually get through it.

I think to understand what I mean you have to understand what I am diagnosed with. So, the list is social phobia, bipolar type 2, dissociative disorder not otherwise specified, and impulse control disorder not otherwise specified on the OCD spectrum. I am also exploring a sleep disorder with a neurologist and have a graphomotor learning disability.

So , while I agree that you need to take things one at a time in your life, dealing one disorder at a time can make thing more complex. Everything is connected so while you might have a list of DXs they likely all feed I to each other and so if you deal with one you will affect the others.

I think you need to be aware of that and use it to your advantage.