OMG WHAT Am I Going to do?

I suffer from agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks. I have suffered from these issues since 2008 and have worked with a therapist over the years and have seen some improvements. For example, instead of not leaving the house at all, ever- I can now do some things (with a "safe person") like go to the grocery store near my home, go to my parents house, and run short errands. I still cannot do much, if anything alone and I cannot drive too far from my house or to unfamiliar places.

Back in 2010, my therapist suggested that I enroll in some online courses as I was becoming very depressed sitting at home and not being productive. My local state college offers 2 BA degrees that are "fully" online. I became a double major focusing on both subjects, taking full course loads each semester. It has been extremely helpful for my depression and anxiety to feel like I am at least accomplishing something even though I cannot lead a "normal" life right now. I have never even been to the college campus as I have done everything online.

This is now my last semester in school. I have already completed all of the classes needed for one of my degrees and I only need one last class for the 2nd degree. The last class that I need is a "capstone course" where you are supposed to spend the semester working on this huge project and portfolio. It is similar to when someone going after their master's degree has to do a thesis. This was not a necessary requirement or course for the other degree.

Here is my problem- This class wasn't listed as an online course (even though this degree is supposed to be "FULLY" online). It had meeting times listed when I registered so I called the department up and asked about it. The head of the department (also the instructor for this course) said that for people that can't make it to campus, he'd do Skype meetings. He didn't ask why I couldn't go but I'm guessing he just assumes that I, like other students who can't make the meeting times have to work or something. I have to Skype with him next week. This in and of itself makes me really nervous because I am extremely self conscious but I can get through it since I'm only talking to one person. He also emailed me the syllabus for the course and I'm completely freaking out. Here is what it says about the final requirement:

" Oral Presentation. After your project is complete, you will schedule a presentation open to the public, and students receive feedback from those in attendance. The presentation should be approximately 20 minutes in length and should emphasize the findings or result of your project rather than the process. You are also expected to attend at least three (3) hours of the capstone presentations at the end of the semester."

Ummmmm there is NO WAY that I can possibly do this! I can't even fathom driving to the campus as it is 30 minutes from my house let alone speaking in public for 20 minutes giving a presentation in front of strangers who will then give me feedback. This was never disclosed as a requirement to this degree. If I had known, I never would have declared this subject my major. Meanwhile, I have all the credits I need to graduate except for this. I am completely embarrassed to tell the professor what my problems are. I feel like there are a lot of people who don't understand and just think you are being lazy or that you choose not to do things. I've had him for another course while back and I don't remember him being particularly friendly either. What do I do? What do I say to him? I'm ready to drop the course and never graduate. All the time spent over the last few years will have been a complete waste. I feel so depressed and anxious about this now.

Honesty really would be the best thing here in my opinion. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed to tell him. I had difficulty with different college requirements when I was in school cause of learning and adhd problems. When I went to the professor and explained why a particular thing was really challenging they usually worked with me. When I have to talk about mental health problems I try to detach myself from it. I accept that that is my limitation at the moment and don't judge myself for it. It just is how it is and I explain that to them as accurately as possible. If you pretend to be confident no one really knows you aren't. Someone once told me that was the key to being confident. Pretend to be. Practice what you will say and maybe write down some bullet points to refer to during the skype meeting. I would just say "to be honest the reason why I am not coming in is because I have agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks. I choose this major because it said it was fully online and at this time I am not able to come to regular classroom settings however, I still wanted to get a college degree. This assignment is really stressing me out. I wasn't expecting something like this. This is outside of my abilities right now. This is why I choose to take an online major." Or something to that effect. Be straight forward. Don't forget to practice it and write down bullet points. I do that every time I have a meeting or something or a phone call. Even when it's the simplest thing. It really helps when I panic and my mind goes blank. Sometimes I will write out a whole first sentence or two and so if it goes blank I can read those and that gets me going and then I have bullet points to keep me focused and from forgetting things. Tell him that you can get a letter from your therapist confirming this and ask if there is any accommodations he can make or an alternate assignment. Talk with him and go in expecting it to go well. A lot of times they aren't that strict and if you explain all of that he might be like yeah we can work something out. Also have you looked into the disability services? I was registered with them in college for ADHD but they also gave services to people with mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Your college should have an office. I would call them asap and ask to speak to someone. I would explain your diagnoses and ask what support they can offer you and how you can register asap. Be completely honest about the situation and your limitations. Tell them what you can and can't do. If you have documents to prove this and a letter from a therapist and are completely honest i think they will work with you and believe you. They won't want to torture you. They also won't want you to fail to earn a degree because these mental health problems effect one assignment. I found the disability services office at every school i looked into to be very helpful, friendly and support of students. They are on your side. You have a very good reason to not want to do this assignment the way it is assigned and have a disability that is recognized by law so legally they need to work with you. Maybe you can do the speech on skype and he can record it and show it to a class for them to evaluate or something. But I would address this asap. Be up front with him and contact disability services and don't be ashamed. This is not your fault. This is what you are dealing with and you are doing the best you can. If he isn't willing to work with you, disability services should be able to advocate for you. But be prepared to present documents proving that you have these issues. A letter from your therapist might help too. But for all we know, when you tell the prof he might be like "I completely understand. We can work an alternative assignment out for you". If you need any more support feel free to message me. I have a lot of experience working with professors and disability service offices for the support I knew I was entitled to.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It really does make me feel better. I'm so stressed about this meeting next week that I can barely think straight. Thank you for reminding me about the disability resource center! I am registered with the school. When I first enrolled I filled out the necessary documentation and did get a letter from my therapist. I was covering my bases in case any instructors required on campus meetings or on campus tests. I haven't yet had to deal with any that did. By registering with them they also allow me to have extra time on tests because I have trouble concentrating under pressure. I have used the pass in a few classes that do not allow enough time on the tests for me to think, but most of my teachers allow ample time so I didn't feel it was necessary.

Do you think that it would be inappropriate to address the issue via email prior to our Skype meeting? I already feel so embarrassed to be talking via Skype and I think I can get my thoughts across more clearly in writing. He did email me and ask if I had any questions about the syllabus.

You're welcome. I'm happy to give support. I know how stressful college can be, especially assignments like this. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. It really is not a fun situation to be in. At least you are almost done with the program. I think that an email would be a good idea. It is relevant since he asked if you had any questions and then you can really spend some time writing out something that communicates all of this very well. I find written text easier for communication when I am stressed. I'd definitely mention the diagnoses and the disability services in the email. I would also stress that this is outside of your abilities at the moment and that you cannot do it so he doesn't think you are just trying to get out of it. It would give him sometime to think and you could always leave the email with something like "we can speak about this further in the skype interview if you'd prefer" or something like that. That way he isn't thrown off in the interview and can think about ways he can adapt this for you. That is good that you are already in with disability services. I'd send the email and see how he responds. If he says something like "we can speak about this more in the interview" or something even better I'd wait and try to figure it out without disability services. But if he seems unresponsive from the email, I would contact whoever your counselor or representative is at disability services and be completely honest with them. They will be used to working through issues like this and can step in if need be. Good luck and keep me posted. Hoping it all works out well for you.

Thank you so much for your advice. Just knowing that someone else understands is extremely helpful. Thankfully the Skype appointment isn't until Tuesday so I have some time to write up a proper email. I want to make sure he understands that this isn't just normal public speaking anxiety that most people have. I often get the feeling when I explain to people that I have these problems that they envision my anxiety to be the kind of anxiety that they feel before a job interview or a big event. It's hard to get people who haven't experienced it to understand that it is about a million times worse than that.

I think focusing on how your lifestyle is different than the average person is helpful when trying to explain this to someone who doesn't have experience with it. I'm not sure exactly all your issues but I think it is good to describe your limitations a little bit so they can see the big picture without going into some huge explanation. Like saying, I have never set foot on campus. I stay inside my house etc. I am working through these issues but at the moment am not able to do blank. That sort of thing. Because imagining the anxiety someone gets before an interview is not the same as lets say a person who only does grocery shopping at night and does an online job or something. Just let them see how you live your life differently than they do. That is a good first start.

Thanks! For this project, it is something that we had to work on bits and pieces over several semesters. I knew that we were going to have to do this capstone project but I knew nothing about the oral report part. Anyway, the teacher emailed me and asked me to send my proposal that I had written a few semesters back so that he can look it over before our Skype meeting. I just found the flash drive that I had stored it on and re-read it. My selected topic is Anxiety disorders from a Psychological as well as a Sociological standpoint. In the proposal we had to address some of the reasons why we selected that topic. After reading my paper, I realized that I had written some very personal information about my own anxiety disorder and what I deal with in explaining why I wanted to cover this subject. So, since I have to send it to him before our meeting, I think this will be a good way to approach the subject. I will tell him in the email "As you will see from reading my paper..." and hopefully it will flow from there. Thanks again for your advice. I will let you know what happens on Tuesday.

That is interesting how the topics are related. That should help. How did the skype go?

Like others have said, be honest and speak with disability services. Really in my experience those who work in these areas are very willing to help students. I have total faith that you can find the support you need and be successful in this final step for your degree. As a fellow social anxiety sufferer, I am so proud that you have gone this far!! Good luck in your further steps and please PM me if you want.

Thank you for the support Twister and Pamela!

So, on Sunday night I sent an email with a copy of my proposal to the prof. I told him "as you will see, one thing that I discuss in my proposal is my own experience with anxiety. I suffer from severe anxiety, agoraphobia, and panic attacks and although I have made some improvements I am not at a point where I would be able to get down to the campus and make a presentation. I still have days where just going to the grocery store isn't possible." I also mentioned that I was registered with the DRC (disability resource center) and that I might need to drop the class if there wasn't another option in lieu of doing the presentation. On Monday he emailed me back and just said "let's talk about this in our meeting tomorrow". That made me super nervous! I was worried that he'd want to discuss and really go into detail etc. which I just hate doing.

Anyway, on Tuesday I got his Skype call and right off the bat he addressed the issue. He didn't make me explain anything further and said that instead of coming to the campus to make the presentation that I could make the presentation just to him via Skype when the time comes and email him my PowerPoint presentation beforehand. We will also have to "meet" via Skype every 2 weeks as he will be my advisor for the project. Normally the students have to select another professor to be their advisor but he said that he would be mine so that I didn't have to worry about finding someone else. He also told me that if I ever needed to cut the meeting short or anything to let him know. He was very nice about it and I really appreciated that I didn't have to say anything further about it to him. I don't know if it had anything to do with the fact that I mentioned the DRC or if he just understood based on my proposal and email but I feel SOOOOOO relieved that he is willing to work with me on this and that I will be able to complete my coursework despite the fact that I still have so many issues that I'm dealing with. I want to thank you again so much for your support, it really helped me calm down while I waited to hear his response and it helped me to remember what to address in my email to him. Thanks

Wow what great news! I'm happy for you. That is such a good outcome.

So glad to hear that it worked out well