I've had Trichotillomania since early child hood (the impulsive urge and compulsion to pull out hair) and have always remembered being afraid of insects. This was both related to experience and just pure irrational fear. When I was little I would have dreams of cockroaches crawling all over me and wake up screaming. I have black sheets and I used to wake up in the middle of the night terrified that they were in my bed and would frantically turn on the lights and take off my covers and look for them. Everywhere I go I double check for them and cautiously open drawers and move things in case something crawls out. Even dead bugs freak me out.
But a fear even bigger than insects are parasites. Before I was in 6th grade, one of my biggest fears was getting lice. Just the thought of having things crawling around in my hair gave me chills. Well my nightmare came true when I was 11 when I got lice at a sleepover and was in denial of it for 2 months before I got treatment for it. The experience was horrible and maddening. My pulling got worse and I was so disgusted with myself and felt gross all the time. It took ages to get rid of despite shampooing with that gross shampoo several times and using the lice combs.
I'm a junior in high school and this year in my science course I learned about the demodex mites that live in 80% of adult eyelashes and facial pores. I already had been an eyelash puller for a long time, but after I learned that I went on full-on obsession mode. I immediately began pulling and pulling and pulling them all out, horrified at the thought of having mites living in my follicles. I researched online and looked at pictures and videos obsessively. I looked up how to kill them but then was scared by the thought that their dead bodies would still be on my skin which I didn't know if that would be worse or better.
In a single night I went from an almost full two eyes of eyelashes to not even one. It's been a few months since then and I still am pulling out all the stubs and baby eyelashes, partly because they're itchy, partly because it feels good, partly because it's a habit, and especially because I'm scared of the bugs.
They're on my mind constantly at inconvenient times. They interfere with living a normal life. I'm so disturbed. Can anyone relate?? Help me calm down, please!
My therapist and psychiatrist have told me it's just one of those things you have to try not to think about and ignore, but how?? How can you ignore something that's so THERE??
I love animals and I want to have respect for all organisms, but there's something inside me that won't let me with these things.
Feb 15, 2014, 11:46 PM
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