[misskrome]

Let me just say two things: First, I'm mentally preparing myself for some nasty and judgmental backlash about this (unless there's another human in the world that just happens to understand where I'm coming from - that would be great) and second, I am prone to a multitude of phobias, some of which are permanent and some of which end up being temporary.

This one is something I will be needing to discuss with my therapist because, if I want to keep any of my friends, I will have to learn how to face it head on or at least not want to vomit or have a panic attack.

Okay, here goes: I'm terrified of human infants.

Why did it take me so long to bring this up? Well, why do you think? It's not exactly something that I can exactly reveal without first imagining how many people are going to outright shun me for it. I can watch any non-human do the life-cycle thing and gush at how absolutely beautiful and adorable and miraculous it is, no problem. I've helped one cat through a birth and one dog through two with no problems. They were just as disgusting as human ones but I was, for some reason, more accepting and nonchalant.

Many of my lady friends already have children. Many of them also are over 30-somthing and their kids are now almost pre-teens. Once they make it to 5, then everything's gravy. I can come over and play and have fun with no problem. It's only when they're really tiny and first born and hairless when I get to feeling very very uncomfortable. I have another friend. She's 27, so she's younger than my other friends. She's preggers right now. I get that she's very excited about it and all (I assume) and she wants someone to talk to about the stages of her pregnancy experience but, instead of choosing her many other lady friends (who adore that sort of thing), she chooses me to talk to daily. That's fine, too, except that it's the ONLY thing she talks about anymore; every gruesome, nightmarish detail - mucus, blood, odor (jesus ****ing christ), etc. all day, every day.

Now, I do feel flattered that she would come to me for this before she goes to anyone else but I think this is actually because of proximity (I live right up the road from her when her other lady friends live an hour away and she's surrounded by her husband's dude-pals). I'm sure she really hasn't that many other people she could talk to but she does have plenty of people on social media sites, many of which are/have already been mothers to human children and can offer her more support and better understanding - and sympathy. When I couldn't take it anymore, I very carefully and gently expressed to her that I was very glad that she was excited about this but that she may be able to get better advice and understanding from someone who has a little more experience than I do. I didn't outright tell her that what she was doing was pushing me away. Instead, I redirected her to another of my friends, who she knows as well, who's not only had children, but who's children are now 20 and 21 years old. To my gratitude, she was considerate, even gave a "Sure, no prob." casual response with a smile. *Wheew* The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her feelings, but needed to let her know that my feelings were being hurt and tested.

I have never wanted human children, in fact, one of the worst nightmares I have ever had involved one growing inside of me. I'm not attracted to humans, either but will go with the females because they gross me out less then the males so I settle. I already stuff this inside every day and rely on my skill in communicating and lots of acting to get by in the world. It's miserable but I've gotten somewhat used to it. Problem is that she hasn't toned it down. I even suggested that: "Maybe instead of telling me about it 100% of the time, you could maybe tell me about it 30%?" Again, her response was an enthusiastic "Sure!" with a smile. I don't think she's doing it intentionally. She has a little bit of the mania, herself, when she gets excited about something and I understand how easy it is to get carried away with it, which was why I also redirected her to someone else in case the take-it-down-a-notch approach didn't work. None of my other friends (and I mean NONE OF THEM) did this to me. They gushed a little then let it go. I feel like I'm having a baby metaphorically stuffed down into my esophagus by this person and I'm choking on it. I'm already very uncomfortable around them when they're really tiny (like I said, kids and teens are fine). It's starting to feel like an attack; as if she's doing it on purpose, although, to be honest, I don't get from her tone or body language that it is intentional.

I've thought about cutting her off at least until the child is about toddler age. Again, if she had mixed in some other discussion subjects in with the baby stuff then it would be less of a problem, too. I talk about my pets a lot but that's not the only thing I talk about. -and here lately, her conversations with me are starting to give me the occasional baby nightmare. She wants me to come to her shower. My last two friends I just made some really kick-*** presents for and dropped them off but she knows my schedule (there isn't one) and therefore knows that I have time. I don't want to go. The one before that had the whole neighborhood there, including men and other neighborhood kids and outdoor cooking so I had a lot of space and distractions, plus I knew everyone much much better than I know her people. I'm afraid I'm going to be sitting around in that room with a bunch of hens fake-smiling and... the stepford wives comes to mind.. I'll be the only one who has her eyes open and sees the futility and pointlessness of it all but not allowed to say anything unless I coat it verbally with unicorn sugar sprinkles else I get the shakey-pointy-finger. ****! I want to cry just thinking about it.

At the same time, I want to be there for her as a friend. I mean, it might not be that bad. She's called me before needing me to be there for her. I just punched something as hard and as many times as I could to get the anger out, sucked it up then went and did for her. I do feel a bit pushed-around by her but if I tell her no then I'm a ****** friend. I've tried explaining to her what it felt like for me to be around human babies and she nodded as if she understood but I don't think she really understood. So I was like: "You know how you get around snakes?... Well, that's how I..." It's not virtually impossible but every muscle in my body is tense and my stomach in knots until I'm outta there. The crying is the most traumatic of the entire experience. I understand that they do that and they need love. I just don't want to be the person who has to do it. Maybe I don't know what love is but I know enough about myself to have had plenty of opportunities in my still-figuring-it-all-out years to have a baby but insisted on taking preventative measures. I don't want to raise a child who feels unwanted, so I just didn't have one. Plus, I don't make nearly enough money to even take care of myself without having to live with someone else to help me. My pets keep me plenty happy without making me puke or throwing me into a panic attack and they're much cheaper to care for.

I don't pass judgment on those who choose to have children. I just wish I could get a little consideration and respect for my decision not to, as well. I mean, I bend over backwards for them and pretend to enjoy their thing. I don't ask them to do the same for me, but it would be nice if you already know that I'm not going to understand, nor am I even capable of understanding, to not shove it down my throat as punishment for that. I don't know what to do. I have another appointment with my therapist coming up and that's going to have to take priority for discussion before the shower happens. I was thinking that maybe I could just hang more around the guys and talk about games and bangin' chicks or whatever. I can do that more comfortably than I can the other option.

I feel like I truly am all alone in this and that if I dare express myself that I will be labeled as a bad person, because, you know, only 'bad' people don't like babies (sarc). Men can get away with it more but a woman in her mid-30's, not so much. My original plan, before I finally decided no, was to wait until I was financially stable enough then adopt or foster a trouble teen, but with my health declining so rapidly, I don't see that as being fair to them.

I know someone (female) who has something of a phobia of babies. She just says they "give her the creeps". You might not be as alone as you feel like you are. Perhaps there is a reason for your phobia...something that frightened you at some point in this life or another.

[growlycat]

It must be hard to have that phobia and have people understand--maybe you need to be super-honest and say you have a truly clinical phobia of babies.

Although I like babies, I think their cries are deeply unsettling too. I think it must be instinctual for women--the cry turns on an alarm that cries DO-SOMETHING-NOW!!
Their cries are eerily not quite human or animal. They are fragile, wobbly. I get that.

Ever read about the notion of "uncanny valley"?? It is what makes us feel uneasy about human like robots, mannikins or bad special effects, even clowns. Something appears almost-human but something nags at you that something is off and not quite right. No one has been able to create a humanoid robot that isn't freaky for this reason. Wondering if that concept applies to your fear of babies?

sorry if this link is too much--just a trigger warning just in case
10 Creepy Examples of the Uncanny Valley

growlycat, that's really interesting.