[LongLivePossibility]

Before I went into this cult I was in, I was fine socially. I had jobs, I was in college. But afterward things went really downhill. My ability to communicate with adults on a one to one basis is minimal. I haven't worked since I got out of the place in 2008. I am very close to my family, but my friends got very frustrated, because just like I was, they're social people and they did social things, so I don't have any friends left. As much as I tried to be like I was, I just could not and it put a lot of strain on our relationships over the last 6 years and they've just all stayed together, been in each others weddings, etc, and left me behind. I think they just don't know what to do.

But I am tired of days just ticking by. My family is hard workers. My brothers are both very successful and making six figure incomes. I am constantly fighting to be who I know that I am. Right after I got back from the place I was just 21, and I lived with my parents and I wouldn't even leave my bedroom. Eventually I did leave my bedroom and then my house. But it's been 6 years and I still can't hold eye contact with anyone or talk like an adult with anyone. If I get negative feedback from anyone, I panic and start sobbing on the spot. There's an important stepping stone in your social life where you go from being a child to an adult and I spent that time in a cult, being treated like a child, so I never learned appropriate social skills. Without making myself sound anymore crazy or pitiful I'll stop with how severe my social anxiety is.

I have asked my caseworker to please just help me. It's hard for me to ask for help, because of what I went through. So I finally mentioned it. And she suggested this program... I hate to make it sound like the program is below me, but it's not at my level and that makes me sort of mad. It's basically for people with like MR problems and autism that don't know how to socialize and they do warehouse work and people stand over them and tell them how to interact correctly. I have an IQ of 123, I would feel so bored there. I fill my head with so much research and other stuff while I am at home. How could they expect me to be less anxious socializing with people who do not know how to socialize? It's not that I don't know how to socialize it's that I'm terrified. I actually get angry at people who cannot stimulate me in a intelligent way. Or I get frustrated with them and I just want them gone. I really don't judge them. I just get so few interaction in life that the interactions that I do get are typically with very intelligent people on the internet with aspergers (which I don't have, because I was fine in high school). And I feel that I need to be thrown into a place that will yell at me and let me break down a couple times until I can handle harsh circumstances again. I don't want to be babied. I need like social anxiety boot camp. I am tired of the clock just ticking by and days just rolling on?

Can anyone relate to any of this? Did anyone find anything that helped? I had a friend who went through exposure therapy and I did exposure therapy for other things in my life that helped me. Like getting out of my house, being in loud places, being in crowded places. I just did mind over matter. But I just cannot accept criticism. It's so hard because at the cult that's all they gave you was criticism. Their slogan "you're just not good enough, ever".

Any ideas??? Anything that worked for anyone? I am seriously willing to try anything.

[spondiferous]

Hi LLP. I'm not sure if you have had any resolution in this; I see that this post is nearly two months old. I have never been in a cult, but I have been involved in things that were destructive and took me away from myself and my life. It's happened a few times for me. It's difficult to get back in. I can't tell you what to do but I can share my experience. I find that it doesn't work for me to try to wedge myself back into the 'real world'. My anxiety comes from the fact that the 'real world' (as in, the world I used to occupy, with all my old friends, jobs, family, etc) no longer fits for me. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not; I'm too sensitive and too honest, and I can't live a lie. Living a lie takes me to dark and dangerous places. And I can't be around people who have no patience or compassion for me. Have you thought about trying to meet new people who have similar experiences? It doesn't necessarily have to be recovering from a cult experience, although if you could find someone (even a group of people would be better) with that shared experience, all the better. But it could be anyone who understands what it's like to lose everything. People with mental health issues, addiction issues, those recovering from traumas or abusive relationships...there are all kinds of people in this world who are alone, afraid to reach out, afraid to look people in the eye. That would be a good start. Having the social support of people who truly understand me is ESSENTIAL to my mental and emotional health. If you have a hard time finding these people initially, feel free to message me anytime. Good luck with everything, and just try to keep going. It's the hardest part but I promise you it's worth it.