[debramorgan42]

I think I've reached the "bottom of the circle"....
I can not rest.... I hardly ever could let myself. my chest always burns or my head is empty... I just wish I could be with people. I love people. but... I can't. I'm a mess. I forget things, I'm over sharing, overthinking, I can't hide my emotions. I just can't make friends because of it.... I can't enjoy spending time with my loved one... and yet I'm so lonely... I miss myself.....
seriously... this is getting so bad lately I just feel that this life is just not worst living...this is not even life.
I know it'll be soon a little better... but I'm just not the same anymore because of this torture.

[bigjellybelly]

Really big hugs to you. You sound really sad If I met you I bet I'd like you even if you forgot stuff, overshared and overthought and were emotional. In fact all of those characteristics are what I like in my friends! I hope things improve for you.

[debramorgan42]

thanks! that really means a lot!
it is just so... I don't know. I used to be a teacher...! surrounded by nice people and had fun and saw my students improve and stuff... life had a meaning. I was pretty good midle-social half-introverted.... and now..... I just....... hide.

[bigjellybelly]

What is the root of the anxiety?

There are ups and downs though, and right now you're in a down but these are temporary. Nothing lasts forever, particularly a state of mind... You won't go from where you are now, to being back in the classroom etc, but you can go from where you are now to chatting crap about the weather when you buy milk from the corner shop. Which would be a small step in the right direction. I'm being flippant, but I'm really saying don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I thought today - this very morning - that I could literally not even face getting out to take my daughter to school because I would have to see people. It filled me with dread. I had to, and I did, and my absolute intention was to scuttle in to the playground and dart out again ASAP. I ended up having an unexpected and mundane chat with someone. I then thought I absolutely cannot go to a cafe at lunctime because I will cry in public. But I was meeting my mom and it made me get my *** out and deal with it for two hours. I had a nice lunch. Small things.

[bigjellybelly]

That was blunt - me asking the root of your anxiety - sorry - that's too smple and isn't what I meant - what I really was asking was about why things changed for you.

[debramorgan42]

the root of my anxiety... or why am I here are... um somehow related. I have a series of difficult things in my life that would be still very hard to change/solve if I were alright... and they're on top of an already existing stress problem - depressive reactions.
I'm.... happy for the little things! just solving my problem... getting my *** out from this pit is very much a pressure.... I'm working on it... day by day (by forcing myself out of bed...) but it still... looks soooo hard.... and I'm afraid, realy-realy tired and very frustrated; it is just building up.

[debramorgan42]

of course when I'm alright it doesn't look so hopeless... still a ****** situation. if only I had money for therapy eh

[Demetri]

I find allowing the anxiety to be and pass over me helps. It's so easy to get stuck in it's whirlwind, but when I just allow it all to wash over me, it settles. Like anxious thougths or emotions are separate form me, and I can relax and watch them pass me by. Not to be scared of the fears but allow them to pass on by. You can try it if you want.

[Onward2wards]

I very much relate to what you are going through right now.

[bigjellybelly]

It sounds like you have so much on your plate... You're doing well just to get out of bed.

[Jolisse]

I've been dealing with anxiety/panic attacks for years and I wish I had a concrete answer for you.
You need to change your thought pattern, which is very hard to do. Don't dwell on the past and don't try to predict the future, try to live in the present.
I'm always thinking about the "what ifs" that can happen down the road. Most of the time they don't happen and if they do, I deal with it when it happens.
You are creating too much stress in your life and it's overwhelming you. Take one problem at a time and deal with it.