[Cyanbelle]

I a 26 year old girl/woman living in Europe. I suffer from BPD, PTSD, panic attacks, social anxiety and hypersensitivity.
My everyday life is a struggle. I have my up days and my down days (or hours). My mood swings like a seesaw, but I usually manage to let go of my anxiety, self-blame and depressive moments, but this time I can't! I keep blaming myself for something that happened a month ago, and it is haunting me!
I don't dare to speak to my psychiatrist about this problem, because it is too much of a taboo! I can only speak to my father and a close friend about it, but they are tired of hearing about it.

Well....... This is what happened a month ago:

I met this guy who seemed nice, caring and well-spoken (seemingly). Although we were very different (I am more of the bookish person and he was into sports and cars), I managed to fall for this guy. We were dating for four or five days, but I found out he wasn't for me. While we dated, I gradually managed to notice how maladaptive this guy was. He had a poor hygiene (smelt of old sweat), extremely bad manners (picked his nose) and he eventually started making weird animal sounds. The animal sounds (cat meeows, for the most part) became more and more prominent. It was like he was letting out something that he struggled to keep in. The more he got to know me, the more confident he became and the more weird he started acting.

After I told him that we should just be friends, I settled down with it. But some days later, I heard that he was suffering from an intellectual disability. This came as a shock to me! I had no clue about that when I first met this guy! He seemed so normal at first. After a while, I did notice that he was weird (bad-smelling, nose-picking etc.), but he wasn't exactly dumb. Neither me nor my father (who also talked to this guy) noticed anything! And my father has a master's degree in social work! I am very confused about this whole situation!

How could I not notice anything? How could my father not notice anything? I keep blaming myself every day! I have never had this happened to me before, and it feels like a real nightmare come true! I kissed this guy (didn't go any further), but I regret it so much. I feel irresponsible and dumb for not noticing this guy's condition, and I am always blaming myself! How could I not see it? How could I find this guy attractive? I feel like an abuser! A sex offender! Although we only kissed!
I would never enter relationships with people with intellectual disabilities, because it would feel to me like being in a relationship with a child! Although this guy is high functioning and driving cars, I can't help but feel that I've done something wrong.

I'm always asking my father: "What's wrong with me who didn't notice the guy's intellectual disability?". He is constantly telling me that there must be something wrong with him too, because he (with his master's degree) didn't notice anything either!

How can I overcome this and stop blaming myself? I won't talk to a doctor or psychologist about this! I am too ashamed of this and the shame is killing me!

Please help me...........

[stages]

I totally see where youre coming from and also because you do hear a lot about people with intellectual disabilities being taken advantage of in those kinds of contexts. But from what youve said it sounds like nothing bad at all. If you knew they were disabled, or in some way suspected they would not be able to easily refuse things, and dated them because you wanted to take advantage of that, that would be wrong, but that wasnt the case. You both wanted to date, so you dated

People with disabilities are often thought of as inherently asexual/aromantic, and sometimes the opposite as being hypersexual, but that's not true. As for thinking of them as a child what that really is coming back to is consent issues. You might want to look into information on how people with intellectual disabilities can have safe relationships to help with your anxiety about this. And also because its always good to learn new things, right? "disability and sexuality" is a good search phrase to find info on the topic.

STuff like intellectual disabilities and related conditions come in a variety as wide as the number of people on this planet, sometimes its easily identifiable and sometimes its not. If you have ever told someone about one of your conditions and they were shocked maybe you can relate that. On that note its worth mentioning he may not even have an intellectual disability since that was hearsay

It would help to talk to a psychologist about this i think, its kind of a terrible irony that the thigns we're too ashamed to talk about are often the things we need to talk about haha.

[Cyanbelle]

Originally Posted by stages

I totally see where youre coming from and also because you do hear a lot about people with intellectual disabilities being taken advantage of in those kinds of contexts. But from what youve said it sounds like nothing bad at all. If you knew they were disabled, or in some way suspected they would not be able to easily refuse things, and dated them because you wanted to take advantage of that, that would be wrong, but that wasnt the case. You both wanted to date, so you dated

People with disabilities are often thought of as inherently asexual/aromantic, and sometimes the opposite as being hypersexual, but that's not true. As for thinking of them as a child what that really is coming back to is consent issues. You might want to look into information on how people with intellectual disabilities can have safe relationships to help with your anxiety about this. And also because its always good to learn new things, right? "disability and sexuality" is a good search phrase to find info on the topic.

STuff like intellectual disabilities and related conditions come in a variety as wide as the number of people on this planet, sometimes its easily identifiable and sometimes its not. If you have ever told someone about one of your conditions and they were shocked maybe you can relate that. On that note its worth mentioning he may not even have an intellectual disability since that was hearsay

It would help to talk to a psychologist about this i think, its kind of a terrible irony that the thigns we're too ashamed to talk about are often the things we need to talk about haha.

Well, even though some people with intellectual disabilities are "high functioning", I can't help to think of them as children/teens. Yes, they are physically adults, but not mentally.
I am open to date people with all kinds of disabilities, except intellectual disabilities. I formerly dated a visually impaired guy (with only 20% vision).

I won't dare to talk to any therapist about this issue! This is one of the very, very few things that I am not comfortable talking about to my therapist. Plus my therapist is new and I have only talked to him three times! The one I trusted and could talk to has now retired.

Please help me on this forum to overcome this issue!

I am constantly blaming myself, thinking "How could I not see that this guy was intellectually disabled?". If I knew beforehand, I wouldn't have dated this guy.

I am fully aware of the fact that people with intellectual disabilities can have sexual lives, but not with me! I am disgusted that this happened! How could I ever find this guy attractive? I feel so confused.........

[CosmicRose]

It's really no big deal, I know it feels like a big deal but just the fact that he seemed normal at first should be enough to dissolve your feelings of shame or guilt. You simply didn't know. Intellectually disabled might not mean retarded, it might mean he has autism or perhaps even something as simple as tourettes. And you only hung out with him for five days you said? This is a very short period of time. It's not like you were hanging out with him for a month and still didn't notice anything. No, it's not like being in a relationship with a child, he is a grown man so you shouldn't feel guilty about that.
Just let it go and chalk it up as experience...not a big deal, at all. Just forget about it, you will forget about it when you start dating someone else anyway.