I had a bad day today. Crying now.

I'm the manager of a department in a store. I have social phobia. My years of experience in the job has given me confidence in the work itself. But I struggle greatly with managing the people.

At the current store I'm at I have no ally. There are several male managers that oversee the entire store; there is no hierarchy of management. The employees are generally young, paid minimum wage and don't have a strong work ethic. The employee turnaround is high in all departments.

I'm very soft spoken (people throughout my life have commented that I sound like a little girl, which I hate) and have trouble looking people in the eyes. I try to earn my employees' respect by creating a sense of camaraderie and treating them decently. But this seems to backfire.

Today I had to reprimand a young employee for refusing to work his scheduled days. For several months I have been flexible with his schedule and I held off hiring another part-timer, all for him to keep his desired amount of hours thinking he would be there to work hard when I needed him the most- the holidays....The confrontation went terribly, with me having to get a store managers help. The employees behavior immediately changed in relation to the other manager and he was all obedience. In the end the manager didn't back me up. I tried to keep a handle on my emotions but eventually ended up in tears with the employee basically getting what he wanted and getting a few shots off at me.

I feel like I made an *** of myself in front of everyone and lost any credibility/authority I had. I was already slipping into depression because of the workload and time of year (I think I might have SAD).

When I get anxious I just don't have the words...almost paralyzed. I'm tired & disgusted at my passive weakness. I'm truly envious of intimidating people that command respect.

A couple months ago I hired a girl because her online application indicated she was an introvert....I know this is on there to persuade us away from those who are not extroverted. However, I was delighted over having found a loophole in the system. But within a day she was commenting on how I am shy and seem younger than I am.

Hello GreenMoss: I'm so sorry to read of your struggles. Everything you wrote sounds familiar to me in a variety of ways. I don't think I have any real words of wisdom to offer you here. I simply wanted to reach out & offer the little bit of support I can. My best wishes to you.

[stuck1978]

GreenMoss,

I can empathize with you. In high-stress situations, my voice begins to sound shaky and crack. I am a male with a higher voice as is who's often mistaken for a lady on the phone by those who don't know me. So it's a double-whammy for me.

The way I look at your situation:
a. You may require some training (you might want to discuss this with your own manager)
b. you may just be the way you are, and perhaps the position isn't suitable for you

As far as b., this doesn't mean you're not good enough by any chance. It's just the job may not be compatible with your true self.

I would also recommend reading the following book:
"The Gentle Self: How to Overcome Your Difficulties With Depression, Anxiety, Shyness and Low Self-esteem" by Gerti Shoen.

-stuck

[Daniel87]

As a manager you work with people a lot, if you want respect from the employees there is an effective technique that can help you gain their respect, it is called assertiveness.

Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. It may always be easier for you to swallow your feelings, scream at someone or give them the silent treatment. But assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others.

Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don’t try to become someone else’s mirror. We don’t try to suppress someone else’s uniqueness.

Here are some effective tips for becoming more assertive:

1. Start small. You wouldn't try to scale a mountain before reading a manual, practicing on a rock wall and then moving on to bigger peaks. Going in unprepared just sets you up for failure.

2. Learn to say no. People worry that saying no is selfish. It’s not. Rather, setting healthy limits is important to having healthy relationships.

3. Let go of guilt. Being assertive can be tough especially if you'e been passive or a people pleaser most of your life. The first few times it can feel unnerving. But remember that being assertive is vital to your well-being.

4. Express your needs and feelings. Don’t assume that someone will automatically know what you need. You have to tell them. Again, be specific, clear, honest and respectful.

I hope this helps. Take care and stay positive!

[QUOTE=Daniel87;4155735]As a manager you work with people a lot, if you want respect from the employees there is an effective technique that can help you gain their respect, it is called assertiveness.

I feel capable of the job. Just hard that I have no support at work. I'm trying to rough it out because outside situations are always changing, and I'm aware that I am one of the lucky ones to have a job right now.

Strangely enough I do pretty good with employees that are older than me. I'm able to remain stoic and confident. Maybe because I expect there to be a little friction from them.... I grew up with older brothers and grew up feeling my opinions were insignificant. I don't hold this against them I think it's just a product of being the youngest....So I naturally rally myself when managing older employees.

But these young kids....I think I must, without being fully conscious of it at the time, treat them gentler. I'm sure it's because I was terrified on the job when I was there age due to my MI. They, however, are not and take advantage of me.

It's easy to take work personally especially when I'm depressed and spent.

Thinking about taking Klonopin. Think that might help me even keeled while I work on my assertiveness. I've been prescribed it before but I was worried I would become easily addicted. However, I've set some good precedents with tapering off addictions.

I appreciate all of you responding

[twizzlerheaded]

I've been there. I was a manager to a store, something I was definitely not built for. I struggled for years to overcome the anxiety and fast paced work environment until one day I had an epiphany. I was sweating and running back and forth while customers were complaining so I began doubting myself. I started to criticize every mistake I made. All of a sudden I said to myself out of nowhere "I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have--what more can I do?". As long as you are giving your all, you should bear no regrets. If the store expects more out of you when you're giving 100%, that's on them--not on you.

Originally Posted by twizzlerheaded

I've been there. I was a manager to a store, something I was definitely not built for. I struggled for years to overcome the anxiety and fast paced work environment until one day I had an epiphany. I was sweating and running back and forth while customers were complaining so I began doubting myself. I started to criticize every mistake I made. All of a sudden I said to myself out of nowhere "I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have--what more can I do?". As long as you are giving your all, you should bear no regrets. If the store expects more out of you when you're giving 100%, that's on them--not on you.

Thanks, helps to know I'm not the only one

[CosmicRose]

Use that anger to command the respect you deserve. Next time someone says you sound like a little girl say, "Excuse me?" and wait for their response, put the pressure back on them. The reason why these other managers seem to command respect is because they literally don't care. I know that sounds weird, but trust me, it's true. Sure they might seem like they care, but really they don't and they just want to go home and be done with it. This is the kind of attitude you need to harvest too. Use that anger to your advantage. Next time you need to reprimand an employee do not bring another manager into the situation, threaten that employee with termination if they do not show up to work.
It takes less time to threaten someone with termination, than it does to gently talk to them about their performance and bring another manager into the mix. Threatening someone with termination takes about 30 seconds. Gently talking to someone about their lack of effort and bringing in another manager to discuss it with you takes about 10 minutes.
Instead of crying, get angry. Tell yourself that you literally don't give a **** anymore and if they don't respect you, they can join the unemployment line. Write them up. Don't give second or third chances. If they're not doing their work, fire them.
And if the other managers don't have your back, ask them why they refuse to reprimand an employee who isn't doing their job, and wait for them to choke on that response.

I can speak from experience on a slightly different angle. I am naturally quiet, I hate talking. I've been on so many dates where guys say to my face, "Are you shy?" I used to giggle uncomfortably and say yes, while blushing with embarrassment. I was on a date a couple days ago where again the guy said "Are you shy?" Something snapped in me and I just looked at him, sort of smiled and said "No, why?" He seemed really uncomfortable and rightly so. It's a rude question to ask someone regardless if they're shy or not. Finally I said "I'm just not a big talker." and he said "Oh that must be it." But instead of me squirming, I put the pressure back on him and made him squirm. You can do the same thing.

[Weownthesky]

I'm the same way. I was an assistant manager of a store for two months, with me having to back down and go back to my initial position there becauSe I couldn't handle the stress of having to control everyone. It terrified me. I still work there though. I hope you have better experiences