[TerriLynn]

So, today I am sitting down with my manager for our end of year performance evaluation. I know that the last several months have been pretty bad because I started really sinking into depression but just recognized it about a month ago. I am on meds now and am significantly better. But I just know that he is going to talk about my lack luster performance and I cant take it.

I am on the very edge of fight, flight or freeze, and typically I fall into the freeze category. I am trying to breathe deeply and keep my head from exploding right now.

I am going to let him know that I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but that I am working on getting it under control, hopefully I don't have to go into a lot of detail. He is someone who sometimes he is great, he listens and understands, and other times, not so much, but you never know when.

I have been in a state of near panic for a couple weeks. When I was growing up my SM believed children were to be seen and not heard, and she wanted to see as little of us as possible. The house rule was that the bedroom door must always be closed, even if I was in there, which I was, all the time. So the only time I was ever called out of my room, "Terri, Come Out Here!" was when I had done something wrong, when I was in trouble. No one ever cared to talk to me otherwise. So now, any time someone says to me, hey, come here, or can you come into my office, or hey we need to talk, anything along those lines, I begin to panic about what I have done wrong. So two weeks ago before my manager went on a bunch of travel, he said when he returned we needed to have our end of year conversation, it had the same affect on me and I have been anxious ever since. UGH!

I feel like a top all wound up ready to be spun across the room!

[Miktis25]

I have nothing useful to really say, but I'm wishing you the best and hope today goes well for you

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

So, today I am sitting down with my manager for our end of year performance evaluation. I know that the last several months have been pretty bad because I started really sinking into depression but just recognized it about a month ago. I am on meds now and am significantly better. But I just know that he is going to talk about my lack luster performance and I cant take it.

I am on the very edge of fight, flight or freeze, and typically I fall into the freeze category. I am trying to breathe deeply and keep my head from exploding right now.

I am going to let him know that I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but that I am working on getting it under control, hopefully I don't have to go into a lot of detail. He is someone who sometimes he is great, he listens and understands, and other times, not so much, but you never know when.

I have been in a state of near panic for a couple weeks. When I was growing up my SM believed children were to be seen and not heard, and she wanted to see as little of us as possible. The house rule was that the bedroom door must always be closed, even if I was in there, which I was, all the time. So the only time I was ever called out of my room, "Terri, Come Out Here!" was when I had done something wrong, when I was in trouble. No one ever cared to talk to me otherwise. So now, any time someone says to me, hey, come here, or can you come into my office, or hey we need to talk, anything along those lines, I begin to panic about what I have done wrong. So two weeks ago before my manager went on a bunch of travel, he said when he returned we needed to have our end of year conversation, it had the same affect on me and I have been anxious ever since. UGH!

I feel like a top all wound up ready to be spun across the room!

I get like that too.....just completely "shut down" when I'm faced with a situation that I absolutely dred having to deal with. For me it can be something as trivial as going grocery shopping. It's starting to get ridiculous how easily I let things get to me these days!
In your situation though, what I would do is hope for the best and expect the worst. By that I mean, I would TRY to assure myself that everything's going to be ok, but I would rehearse my responses to whatever conceivable things that might come up. In other words I'd plan my explanation/defense, and a brief description of how I plan to resolve the problem ( like you were saying). For me having a well laid out plan helps me combat my anxiety in times like this. It gives me SOME feeling that I'm in control over my emotions to some extent at least. Best of luck to you and I hope this helps!

[TerriLynn]

Thanks all.

Alone: I already plan out conversations, so that part is well done!

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

Thanks all.

Alone: I already plan out conversations, so that part is well done!

Great minds think alike! Be brave, be strong, you've got this! Best wishes for you!

[TerriLynn]

Ok, its done! I lived through it. It was a little rough, but not as bad as I worried it would be. I did tell him I was diagnosed with Depression and that I thought getting treatment for that would also help with the migraines.

He was understanding about the depression, he has battled with it himself, so that makes me feel better. He also understands the migraines, his wife has them. He is less understanding of my dental appointments. UGH. I have had to have two root canals in just about 1 year. Each has been at least 4 dentist appointments.

Well, it is over and I still have a job. So all is well.

[StartingFreshNow]

I wish you lots of luck!

I'm also a person that plans out the entire conversation, etc but then I panic/freeze up and forget what I wanted to say so now I right it down and take it with me, no matter how basic the point is.

I'm sure it will go better than you're anticipating in your head.

Hang in there - it's almost over with!

[StartingFreshNow]

Well I just saw your update, I'm glad it went better than you expected

That's very brave of you to open up about what you are dealing with and I'm glad he took it well and opened up to you about his personal experience. That's a really great thing!

And hopefully the dental appointments slow down for you

[TerriLynn]

He said he didn't want the stress of what we were discussing to make me worse, and I assured him that a month ago I would not have been able to sit there and even have the conversation with him without falling apart, but because I was significantly better off, I completely understood and wanted to assure him that I was taking steps to improve my health and attendance.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

Ok, its done! I lived through it. It was a little rough, but not as bad as I worried it would be. I did tell him I was diagnosed with Depression and that I thought getting treatment for that would also help with the migraines.

He was understanding about the depression, he has battled with it himself, so that makes me feel better. He also understands the migraines, his wife has them. He is less understanding of my dental appointments. UGH. I have had to have two root canals in just about 1 year. Each has been at least 4 dentist appointments.

Well, it is over and I still have a job. So all is well.

Awesome! I'm glad this is over for you and that all is well!

[aceofclubs]

Think of some neutral responses; "I see" " That's a good point" "I understand". Hopefully, the appraisal will in fact assist you to go from very good to excellent.

[aceofclubs]

Originally Posted by alone & confused

awesome! i'm glad this is over for you and that all is well!

wonderful! Much love.

[arabianhorselover]

So he thinks you should have just skipped the dental appointments?

[TerriLynn]

Originally Posted by arabianhorselover

So he thinks you should have just skipped the dental appointments?

Who knows! They weren't just cleanings, they were root canals and crowns. I had infections and was in an enormous amount of pain. They can fire me for going to the dentist I don't give a crap at this point.

He wants me to make appointments for Friday as late as possible. Well my dentist isn't open on Friday.

[arabianhorselover]

Wow. I am lucky that my boss is very understanding of medical appointments. So sorry that yours is not.

[TerriLynn]

He says he is, he says he understands, but if he did, he couldn't be ripping me over them. I have not gone over on my allotted sick or vacation time either.

[arabianhorselover]

Well, then, I guess you just have to ignore what he says.

[TerriLynn]

At least he didn't belittle my wardrobe like he did last year!