[PandorasAquarium]

I have several incurable diseases and chronic pain. This last year they have really become the hardest to deal with and I've had as many as 8 doctors appointments in one week. Every week I have at least 1. This has been going on without reprieve since last winter.

I started getting white coat syndrome after a surgery in April that left me in far worse shape than before. I won't bore you with my long list of "medical errors" that have helped bring me to this point, but the sad fact is I never really trusted healthcare providers to begin with. Several people in my family are nurses so I've been privy to enough of their horror stories to know just how little a lot of these people really care about their patients. We're just like objects on an assembly line to many.

So anyway, I had outpatient surgery last week. Everything went badly. Three hours waiting in a flimsy gown, nothing to eat for 16 hours or so, and the anesthesiologist was nowhere to be found, despite me warning them prior to me appointment that I have this anxiety about surgery.

Well by the time the surgeon arrived (over an hour late), I was in a full panic. I can't even describe the violence of emotion and fear, like pure instinctual fight or flight. The rest of the surgery was by far the most traumatic medical experience of my life, and I've had some pretty bad ones.

So now, I have another procedure coming up, where the want me awake. I'll be sedated, with "regional anesthesia," and I understand the value of that health wise, but I'm afraid I'll panic again. Course if I have general anesthesia it would be at the same hospital where I just lived through a nightmare, plus it will have to be postponed.

I don't know what to do. I feel like either way, I'm in for it. Heck this procedure is only a 50% chance of improvement with another 50% chance of making it worse. I just don't know what to do. Or more like I don't know how I'm going to survive without ending up in an institution.

I have spoken with the nurse and made extra appointments with my therapist, but I don't know how to stop freaking out. Just thinking about it makes my heart rate go through the roof. I've tried music, xanax, meditation, you name it. I just don't trust doctors. Seems like I always end up worse off after doctors mess around with my body.

Any thoughts anyone? TIA!

[Skeezyks]

Hello PandorasAquarium: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm afraid I don't have any great suggestions for you. Do you go to these procedures alone? If so, perhaps if there were someone who could go with you to provide support, this might be helpful.

I certainly understand your view of the medical community. I avoid it as much as possible. And, so far, I've been healthy enough to do so for the most part. I'm getting older now though & I presume my good fortune won't last forever.

I hope that your upcoming procedure goes more smoothly than you anticipate. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that it might be so...

[PandorasAquarium]

Thank you @Skeezyks. I hope you can get away with never having any major illnesses. I truly do. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy or any living thing, for that matter.

I guess I just really needed a vent. My husband has to go with me, because someone has to drive. But the poor guy is just getting jerked around as much as me. They keep rescheduling the next procedure. It was supposed to be just before New Years, then my doctor literally up and quit. So now they told me about 5 hours ago that they might do it this Friday. So now he has to scramble to get the time off from his new job - again. Urgh. I feel SO guilty.

So I have no pre-op. A new doctor I've never even met, and they haven't even given me the paperwork for the pre-op prep for tomorrow. Tomorrow!?!? So now I have to race around and cancel other doctors appointments for Friday. Reschedule with my therapist, plus get scripts and the good Lord only knows what else. Tomorrow! Oh, wait, plus make sure my insurance is preauthorizing the whole shebang, and that's always a great time, chilling to their horrible music and ads while you're on hold for 45 minutes. Sigh.

And I wonder why I have panic attacks before surgery.

I hate my body right now, almost as much as I hate doctors. All I know is pain. Just pain and the fear, no knowledge, that more pain is on its way. I don't know what's worse. The pain or the knowledge that there will only be more of it.

[Skeezyks]