[Rayne Selene]

I'm typing this because I have that horrible heart-fluttering, tummy-clenching, sweaty, bout-to-puke feeling that I get when I'm extremely anxious, because tonight I need to talk to my new boss about renegotiating the terms of my employment. I also need to kind of rant a little about it, because underneath the anxiety I am SO frustrated: Advice?

Have any of you ever been a nanny? Adjusting to a new position is HARD. I just moved to a new state for the first time in my life. I was trying to actually find a job outside of the nanny business: I want to be an analyst (going for my Master's in Stats as we speak) and I was trying to get hired in a lab. NO LUCK. So I finally started applying to nanny positions (I have ten years of experience despite my deceitful 22 years of age). I found a nanny agency to work with, and a job listing for full-time with a newborn, must be able to get baby on a schedule, paying $750-$900 a week.
Well, the nanny agency COMPLETELY misrepresented the position. Firstly, it was not offering that much. Not even close. When negotiating wage, my MB (Mom Boss) called my references and found out that at my last position (which was very different from this one) I only made $12/hr. She flatly refused to pay any higher due to my age (despite my experience). I agreed with the condition that there will be a raise in six months (in my contract).
Secondly, the job is not just full-time, it is overtime. Originally we had discussed a schedule that was 45 hrs/week. Then she changed the end time, 50 hrs/wk. Then she wanted to go up by one more hour per day, 55 hrs/wk. Did I mention I'm a student? With anxiety problems? That's at the upper limit of what I can handle, so okay, fine. Newborns sleep all day anyways. We also negotiated that I would be responsible for LO's laundry, bottles, and keeping her room tidy. I would NOT be responsible for cleaning the house, parents' dishes, etc. They have a maid for all of that. Another reason why I agreed to 12/hr.
Once I started, she wanted LO (Little One) to stop sleeping "so much" during the day (LO never sleeps more than 5 hours in the 11 hours that I'm here, and she's 2 mos old!) so that she would sleep at night. As you can imagine, this has been a ROYAL pain in the keester. LO is grumpy, overtired, and impossible because I'm required to keep her awake 1.5 hours-2 hours between her naps. So that was a problem.
Then she wanted hours "with flexibility" and not a single day has followed the "set hours" we put in the contract. Not one. I'm worried we're going to go over 11 hours/day and 55 hours/week, which I DO NOT want, and she'll say it's just within the "daily flexibility" we agreed to in the contract.
Now let's talk about job creep. So, she asked me to keep up with the trash each day (ie, don't let her come home to an overflowing trashcan.) Fair enough. I started taking the trash out. Then she wanted me to "wipe down" the kitchen. Then she wanted the dishes in the sink washed (NOT LO's dishes!). Today (Monday) I came back after the weekend to find that every single one of LO's bottles needs to be washed and filled, the sink is full of dirty parents' dishes, the washer is full of LO's laundry (fine) but the drier has MB's laundry (which she texted me and asked me to fold). She also asked me to vacuum LO's room, because I haven't been keeping it clean and organized enough. I need to organize her room. I need to clean the bathroom attached to her room, and "that trash needs to be taken out daily". I also came to find three full bags of trash and two full bags of dirty diapers by the backdoor, waiting to be taken out. She also texted to inform me that there are a couple boxes of takeout in the fridge that I need to "take out when you take out the trash". Um, hello? What happened to me not doing housework? What happened to me just "keeping up with" the trash? I'm all for helping out on those busy days when MB and DB (Dad Boss) just can't do it all, but DB hasn't even left yet and I've been here over 8 hours! You take out the trash, bro.
We had also discussed that I am a student and a major factor in me being able to do this job is working on schoolwork while LO naps. She came in this morning to see me on my PC while LO was asleep and says "Hmmmm. Don't let her sleep more than another 15 minutes. She's slept long enough." Um, okay. I get the feeling she just wants to get her money's worth and make sure I'm never sitting here doing something else. Her money's worth is exactly what she's been getting: 12/hr pays for LO's care, laundry, LO's room being clean and organized (which it HAS been) not including vacuuming, and LO's bottles being washed/sanitized. That's what you get from me for $12/hr. You want everything else, that's gonna cost you more like $18/hr. Average pay for a nanny with my experience in my area is $15-$20, not including household chores. I know I'm young, but I have a boatload of experience. I know I deserve to be paid well but I have such a hard time sticking up for myself and demanding good pay...not to mention this was the only job I had an interview for and I'm over 1000 miles away from everyone I know.
On top of everything, she's having her tax guy withhold my taxes and he is withholding way too much. My last paycheck, I only received 65% of my gross earnings. There is no way 35% of my paycheck needs to be withheld from taxes. No. Nope. Not acceptable.
I texted the agency lady, because I want to discuss my concerns and ask her opinion on how to approach them. I signed a contract with HER that I could commit to this job for a year, or be responsible for the fees she incurs having to place another nanny. So I NEED to make this job work. Also, I live in Alabama. The nanny field here is pretty much dry. I need this job. The agency lady got back to me this morning and was furious that the MB is taking advantage of me. She told me to sit her down and have a conversation about my contract and what I will and won't do. I'm terrified to cause tension, I'm terrified of confrontation, but I know that if I don't ask for what I deserve then I'll just be resentful and miserable. It's good to know the agency lady has my back.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable: I just want to adjust the contract. For one thing, the set daily work times in the contract do not make sense. Instead of saying "nanny will work 6-5 m-f with some flexibility" which leaves a hell of a lot open for interpretation, I want it to say "Nanny's hours will fall between 6:30 am-6 pm M-F with the understanding that the nanny will work no more than 55 hours/week and no less than 40 hours/week. Nanny will work a maximum of 11 hours in any one workday. Any hours outside of a 55 hour week/11 hour day are by special request only, and require a minimum of 7 days' notice. It is at the nanny's discretion to accept or decline any hours exceeding 55 hours in a workweek. Nanny will not work weekends except by special request, at her regular rate, and with the understanding that the nanny may accept or decline any offered weekend hours and bears no responsibility to work extra hours." I also want to discuss the chores with her: I want to outline a VERY SPECIFIC chores list in the contract and LEAVE it at that.
Is it too late to make adjustments to a contract I signed a month ago? I don't think that the hours I've been working and the extra chores fall under regular flexibility. Suggestions?
Thanks for letting me rant. I NEEDED THAT SO BAD. Am I overreacting? Being lazy? How do I put my foot down without losing the position? And how do I make the anxiety stop long enough to talk to her without my voice shaking? I'm pretty sure if I try to talk the way I'm feeling now, my voice is gonna shake. A lot. And the eye contact might make me cry. I am SO easily intimidated in these situations.

[treevoice]

hi Rayne,

I was a nanny for quite a few years as well and I have experienced exactly what you described (and worse) in just about every full-time nanny position I've had, at least to some degree. Employers in general will milk you for everything they can, and this is just as true if not more-so in the realm of caregiving because you do not have a formal HR department to make sure all labor laws are being adhered to. Put your foot down and stick to it! If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. Once you give them a precedence of "if I push, this girl is going to do what I want"--it isn't going to stop. They start to feel entitled to your endless labor. Another lesson learned--never agree to "flexibility" without determining hard limits on what that means. ie: I am flexible within "such and such hours" up to a maximum of "such and such" hours a day/week. I am a highly anxious personality also, but there are ways to get around that. I would start by writing a letter to clearly explain my needs, my reasoning, and my hard limits and simply adhere to them. If I got in trouble for things not being done, I would refer to the contract rather than arguing or gritting my teeth and doing it. I had one employer who I had this issue with, and was actually surprised to discover we could agree on "a la cart" terms. We agreed on a list of "piece rates" for certain jobs. $20 for cleaning out the fridge. $50 for cleaning the whole house; whatever you think is reasonable. You are essentially a sub-contractor, name your price and if they can't afford the service, they don't get it. Nannies are an expensive service but your own good nature does not entitle them to your time or service. Whenever you are defending yourself, you do need to be prepared for the possibility of losing the job--but if you approach it with reason and self-respect, a decent family should and will understand (especially if your quality of service is worth the price)--after all, this is your livelihood, not a charity. However be warned! I have also found that strong-arming your Employer Family into... well, keeping their promises, really... can put an ugly strain on the relationship. Do what you have to do, but I would keep an ear out for another job. You can tell a lot about a family based on how they treat "the help" and that is a situation you want to get out of if you can.

hope the talk is okay?

post back here and let us know?

[Rayne Selene]

Thank you so much for the advice. I think I just need to have a very frank conversation with the MB: that I want to do it all, that I want to be helpful, but I simply can't. I'm not getting enough sleep. I've been getting a maximum of 7 hours a night. I get home from work and go straight to bed. It isn't healthy, and it puts her baby at risk: even the best professionals cannot be trusted to have sound judgement if they're sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation does things to you. I'm going to tell her that when I said I could be flexible, I meant with times, not with hourly loads. That my previous jobs have only ever been 40-45 hours, and that while I wanted to do 55, it isn't working. I don't want more than a 10 hour day. We need a set chores list. I don't vacuum, do housework, or take out all the weekend trash: I don't get paid for it. I'm hoping that she can be rational and listen to me and help me work this out, but I'm so terrified of the confrontation. I am more afraid of confrontation than almost anything else. TERRIFIED. But it helps to know that I'm not crazy and that others can see the same things that I'm seeing.