[neutrino]

I was diagnosed with moderate (borderline severe) depression and exhaustion/burnout a few days ago and I'm having a bit of a hard time accepting that. I'm also diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome since a few years back and before getting that diagnosis I kept thinking that I was just making things up. My mind kept telling me I was tricking myself and all the psychologists I saw. My mind kept telling me I was imagining everything, that I was pretending, and that I was simply being a liar instead of actually having problems.

The thoughts got really bad and that was a major source of anxiety for me. I could easily spend hours every day trying to convince myself and prove to myself that I wasn't a liar and that I wasn't making things up. Of course I didn't make things up and the thoughts I was experiencing were anxiety. That's what my psychologist said anyway and even though I had a hard time accepting that and found it very difficult to not think the thoughts were true, the thoughts eventually faded when I learned more about my diagnosis.

Anyway, the thoughts come back sometimes. As soon as I feel a little better (but not necessarily good or even okay) and a little less depressed or anxious, my brain starts telling me I'm just imagining everything and that my problems aren't real. My brain tells me I'm a liar and that I'm just pretending to be depressed for attention or because I'm lazy or something. I keep scanning myself and my mood and as soon as I realise I haven't felt awful in a little while I start thinking I'm a faker. It's like as soon as I don't have anything "real" to be anxious about, my brain creates some anxiety about not being anxious. Damn you, brain.

How do I stop these thoughts? They almost drove me crazy (really) a few years ago and now they're increasing in intensity again. I've spent the past hour thinking that I'm probably not sick even though I was so anxious and depressed this morning that I felt like I was losing my mind. I spent years trying to get rid of these thoughts last time (and still didn't manage to fully believe my psychologist when she said it was anxiety) and I don't know how to stop them from entering my mind now. Do I really need to be awfully low all the time to be clinically depressed or is it normal to have more energy and feel a little better sometimes?

[Unrigged64072835]

No, you don't have to feel low all the time to be clinically depressed. You only need to have it for two weeks or longer, but not all the time. So you can feel better and still have a clinical depression diagnosis. You're not faking it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello neutrino: Yes, I've had this experience. I'll look in the mirror. (I try not to... but sometimes it just can't be avoided.) And I think to myself: "Why have you said this stuff about yourself? You're just a normal everyday person. You don't have any real problems." But then I'll think back over the course of my life... & there it all is...

Personally I have come to accept that it is not possible to block, ignore, or stuff down these sorts of thoughts. So my response is to practice what is termed "compassionate abiding"... allowing these kinds of thoughts to arise & staying with them, & with the underlying emotion, until they fade of their own accord. Here is a link to a very nice description of the practice should you be interested:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

It helps...

[Jadenmia1]

Originally Posted by neutrino

I was diagnosed with moderate (borderline severe) depression and exhaustion/burnout a few days ago and I'm having a bit of a hard time accepting that. I'm also diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome since a few years back and before getting that diagnosis I kept thinking that I was just making things up. My mind kept telling me I was tricking myself and all the psychologists I saw. My mind kept telling me I was imagining everything, that I was pretending, and that I was simply being a liar instead of actually having problems.

The thoughts got really bad and that was a major source of anxiety for me. I could easily spend hours every day trying to convince myself and prove to myself that I wasn't a liar and that I wasn't making things up. Of course I didn't make things up and the thoughts I was experiencing were anxiety. That's what my psychologist said anyway and even though I had a hard time accepting that and found it very difficult to not think the thoughts were true, the thoughts eventually faded when I learned more about my diagnosis.

Anyway, the thoughts come back sometimes. As soon as I feel a little better (but not necessarily good or even okay) and a little less depressed or anxious, my brain starts telling me I'm just imagining everything and that my problems aren't real. My brain tells me I'm a liar and that I'm just pretending to be depressed for attention or because I'm lazy or something. I keep scanning myself and my mood and as soon as I realise I haven't felt awful in a little while I start thinking I'm a faker. It's like as soon as I don't have anything "real" to be anxious about, my brain creates some anxiety about not being anxious. Damn you, brain.

How do I stop these thoughts? They almost drove me crazy (really) a few years ago and now they're increasing in intensity again. I've spent the past hour thinking that I'm probably not sick even though I was so anxious and depressed this morning that I felt like I was losing my mind. I spent years trying to get rid of these thoughts last time (and still didn't manage to fully believe my psychologist when she said it was anxiety) and I don't know how to stop them from entering my mind now. Do I really need to be awfully low all the time to be clinically depressed or is it normal to have more energy and feel a little better sometimes?

It is definitely normal to have good energy and feel good sometimes. You aren't faking it, even when depressed, we can still feel good. At my lowest during my post partum depression, I didn't want to go to a doctor because I still had good days here and there so I thought I was just having a bad phase. It wasn't until my husband dragged me to the doctors and I spoke about my issues, I realized just how bad I had been feeling.

Have you tried any useful techniques to stop the thoughts when they enter your mind? hugs

[neutrino]

Thank you for the replies.

I just woke up (it's just after 7am over here when I'm writing this) and I already feel like a faker, which means I'm already a bit agitated. I don't know why I get so worried about faking. I guess it would be great if I wasn't depressed so why am I so afraid of not being depressed? I've tried to figure it out and I think the answer to that question is that I'm afraid my psychologist will think I've been pretending or that she'll think I've wasted her time with it all. That plus I'm afraid my thoughts are right and that I'm just a liar.

Fharraige: I've felt this way for 2-3 weeks now. I've been doing bad for years but I sometimes have episodes like this when I'm doing extremely bad (this episode is the worst I've had in a few years) and, like I said, the episode has lasted for 2-3 weeks right now. I still worry about faking though.

Skeezyks: Thank you. I'll look into it!

Originally Posted by Jadenmia1

It is definitely normal to have good energy and feel good sometimes. You aren't faking it, even when depressed, we can still feel good. At my lowest during my post partum depression, I didn't want to go to a doctor because I still had good days here and there so I thought I was just having a bad phase. It wasn't until my husband dragged me to the doctors and I spoke about my issues, I realized just how bad I had been feeling.

Have you tried any useful techniques to stop the thoughts when they enter your mind? hugs

That's a bit reassuring. How do you feel on your "good days"? For me it's like I have more energy to do stuff and I don't feel so bad I wish I didn't exist. I might even feel "neutral", as in not bad at all but not good. I just woke up so I don't know how this day will turn out but right now I'd say I'm neutral. I still don't want to do much but at least I don't feel so bad I can't think straight. Do you know what I mean?

Also, I don't know of any useful techniques to use when the thoughts about faking enter my mind (right now for example). Any suggestions?

Originally Posted by neutrino

Any suggestions?

Yeah, your constant anxiety that you might be just faking or imagining everything is not only pathological reasoning in itself, it's a mechanism of denial that you suffer from any kind of pathology in the first place, and denial is a powerful process. You don't want to accept that circuits are misfiring in your brain, so you convince yourself that you're intentionally faking the behavior, which puts you in control as the faker, rather than someone who is helplessly suffering from irrational anxiety. Tell me if that doesn't make sense and I'll try to explain it better. Just a suggestion, regardless.

[Jadenmia1]

Originally Posted by neutrino

Thank you for the replies.

I just woke up (it's just after 7am over here when I'm writing this) and I already feel like a faker, which means I'm already a bit agitated. I don't know why I get so worried about faking. I guess it would be great if I wasn't depressed so why am I so afraid of not being depressed? I've tried to figure it out and I think the answer to that question is that I'm afraid my psychologist will think I've been pretending or that she'll think I've wasted her time with it all. That plus I'm afraid my thoughts are right and that I'm just a liar.

Fharraige: I've felt this way for 2-3 weeks now. I've been doing bad for years but I sometimes have episodes like this when I'm doing extremely bad (this episode is the worst I've had in a few years) and, like I said, the episode has lasted for 2-3 weeks right now. I still worry about faking though.

Skeezyks: Thank you. I'll look into it!


That's a bit reassuring. How do you feel on your "good days"? For me it's like I have more energy to do stuff and I don't feel so bad I wish I didn't exist. I might even feel "neutral", as in not bad at all but not good. I just woke up so I don't know how this day will turn out but right now I'd say I'm neutral. I still don't want to do much but at least I don't feel so bad I can't think straight. Do you know what I mean?

Also, I don't know of any useful techniques to use when the thoughts about faking enter my mind (right now for example). Any suggestions?

I felt good! I woke up, I didn't feel 'sad', I woke up and showered, I did my hair and makeup. I got dressed and ate something. I left the house and ran errands I needed to, and mustered up the energy to speak to people.
Basically the things I couldn't do when I felt low. On my bad days I didn't do any of these things. I worried and cried, I didn't eat, I just smoked to my hearts content and didn't answer phone calls from friends or family.

Basically I was confused and had talked myself into being okay because I didn't fit the classic signs of pp depression that they warn you of during the screening.

For the suggestions of stopping the thoughts dead in their tracks, I have a few suggestions. I have been troubled with intrusive anxious thoughts for a long time and with the help of a therapist I have learned to try control them, not let them control you.
One is to physically say STOP. In your head. Out loud if you're alone. Every time your brain wires to think of the thoughts. Make an effort to consciously realize they are just thoughts, YOU control your brain and not the other way around. Immediately re focus on something else and spin the negative thoughts into something better. Keep yourself busy and make yourself doing something else. Redirection can help train your brain into rewiring it's processing.
If my intrusive thoughts get really intense I use a hypnotherapy app on my phone to clear my head and relax.

[neutrino]

Lefty the Salesman: I think that makes sense (but feel free to explain further if you'd like). That's something that happens subconsciously though, if you're correct.

Jadenmia1: Did/do you have good days often? I had a "better" day yesterday. I didn't feel bad and I didn't feel good. I just felt "bleh/meh" I spent all day in bed (woke up at 6:30am and got out of bed at 4pm). I didn't want to do anything.

Today I'm up (it's 8:10am) but we'll see what happens.

Sometimes I wonder if the intrusive thoughts about being a liar and a faker are OCD related. I'm definitely not saying I have OCD but the thoughts remind me of the disorder anyway since the thoughts are intrusive and I feel a massive need to prove to and assure myself that I'm a very honest person (which I try to do in my head by thinking about things over and over and over again). I think it's probably a good idea to, for example, physically say "stop". How do you manage to actually stop there though? I mean, I feel like I would think "but what if the thought is true?" even if I tell the thoughts to stop. A new thought will pop up ("but what if the thought is true?") when I try to stop the first thought (for example "what if you're just faking everything?"). Do you know what I mean?