[HerDistantEmoEyes]

Last night I should never have gone to the bonfire I went to. Because every day that I go out in public, that night is extremely bad. If that makes sense. Well. I got home. And I haven't eaten all day or drank anything. And I really really didn't want to. But I made myself eat a sandwich and some chips and I drank some water and milk. Keep in mind I'd been having an anxiety attack since I got to the bonfire and now its about 11pm
So about an hour after I eat I can't hold it in anymore and I have the worst panic attack I've had this week. I ended up sitting in the bath tub listening to Christian music so I wouldn't cut myself but I couldn't help it. I went into my bedroom, cut my thighs all up and down, my stomach has minor cuts all over it, and my arms look really bad.
Afterwards, my whole body hurt. Not just from the cuts but from the panic attack making me cramp up and tense. So I went and took six muscle relaxers each 800 milligrams. Which means I have 4,800 milligrams of it in my system. It could've killed me. When I tried to kill myself I took 21 of them...11 is the average amount that kills people. So idk. I dont think I need to go out in public anymore.
The worst part is I can't talk to my boyfriend (my only safe haven) today because as soon as he got out of school he had a football game.
It's another manic episode. I have positive manic... Which is when I eat but make myself throw up, I can't ever be alone, I get possessive of people, I'll laugh hysterically for no reason, cry for hours, have constant paranoia, get super hyper for no reason, etc. Then I have my dominant depressive episodes where i dont eat at all, cut all the time, dont talk to anyone, have constant anxiety attacks, and have alot of suicidal thoughts. Im going into a depressive episode again. So idk. I just feel psychotic and like a lost cause. It sucks

[HerDistantEmoEyes]

And yes...I'm seeing doctors for all of these things.

[Deejay14]

Sometimes you just need someone. to validate it was a scrappy day. The next day can be better if only a little bit. Small steps trending forward. Sincerely hoping you can work your way through this sooner.

[HerDistantEmoEyes]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Sometimes you just need someone. to validate it was a scrappy day. The next day can be better if only a little bit. Small steps trending forward. Sincerely hoping you can work your way through this sooner.

Aawww thank you

HerDistantEmoEyes,

do you have any idea what caused the attack?

do you think it was the crowds, or maybe something to do with fire?

fire is a big trigger for me anyway- and I try to avoid it at all costs.

I'm sorry about yesterday.. what a horrible time for you

(((((hugs))))

[HerDistantEmoEyes]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

HerDistantEmoEyes,

do you have any idea what caused the attack?

do you think it was the crowds, or maybe something to do with fire?

fire is a big trigger for me anyway- and I try to avoid it at all costs.

I'm sorry about yesterday.. what a horrible time for you

(((((hugs))))

It might have been the crowds because going in public is a really bad trigger always for me. And the fire did make me nervous (maybe because it was a large mass of fire and not just a little bit) although it usually isn't a trigger. I try to avoid going in public as much as I can even though isolation I terrible for people in my condition...but I've been resting at home and going over therapy techniques to recover from that night. Hopefully I feel less stressed soon. Thank you so much for your concern!!! I hope you are doing as well as you can be

[omgkillthemeteors]

fascinating!