[Jukentins]

Hey people. How you doing? It's been six months since I introduced myself around here, which came as as little surprise to me when I became aware of it after I decided to post a new thread here. This is the way my life seems to go - I start something that I think will take me out of my perpetually bored state and then I forget about it for months.

That's the thing, actually. I was once someone with such passion and joy in life. Always had a little bit of a problem to deal with my feelings, but who hasn't? At least when something bad happened, I could feel sad. Now I don't. I broke up with my girlfriend about a year ago and things just got worse and worse. They were already going downhill since I left school when I was 18. I became distant from my old friends and my father got married and got more distant from me. First I started to care less about music, which was my greatest passion, then, gradually, literature and films and so on and so on. And now I basically don't care about anything. Nothing excites me, really. Every once in a while, for some short moments, life seems exciting again (but still not as intense as it used to be), but then everything becomes tedious again.

I envy some people I see trying to find help in the internet that say that everything feels boring or bad most of the time but that still they have happy and joyous moments - well, I haven't known those for a long, long time. I'm actually, in a level, aware of what's happening - I have shut my feelings as I can't seem to be able to deal with them. I've never felt much comfortable in this planet even if I have a kind of charismatic side and can get along easily with people in a lot of situations. But I just feel like I don't belong, in a lot of senses, and that can be very painful. I know that while not being able to feel that pain for 99% of the time.

I've been having breathing problems since my breakup which has stopped me from singing and made it harder for me to exercise for long periods. I'm running 2-3 times a week now but I get more sweaty in any kind of exercise than I normally would. I can barely concentrate in films or books or music or anything really.

I don't want to make this post really long so I'll cut it here. Later I may write more and detail things so it's easier for those who are available to help me understand a little better what I'm going through. Thank you if you took a little bit of your time to read until here.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Jukentins: (back) to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit. Please do keep posting!

[Jukentins]

Thanks. I was expecting some feedback, but still.

[*Laurie*]

Hi Jukentins, I'm truly sorry that you're having a rough time. I think that maybe if you post some specific questions you might get more feedback.

[Unrigged64072835]

How have you been dealing with the breakup? That can be a big deal and there's a grieving process to it.

[Jukentins]

Thanks Laura. It's hard to point specific questions because I just feel really lost and empty and disconnected from my emotions, as if I barely had any. I miss the old me that had passion and was thrilled by life. Now I just drag myself around the city like a zombie and beg existence for crumbs (when I have enough energy to beg). I just feel like I don't belong in this world at all, like there's no place for me. That's why I identify so much with certain artists, like Nick Cave, Richard Hell, Elliot Smith, Iggy Pop and some other ones from my country no one would know about. Even with them I cannot feel the emotional connection I used to. They were all heroin addicts, those I mentioned, even though I never used the drug. They just seem to provide some space to those who don't feel they belong in mainstream society that I appreciate, even if from a distance, normally. In some rare moments I find myself enjoying life more intensely again, but only for a few moments, then it becomes unbearable again.

When I'm drunk I can get closer to those buried feelings that makes me feel trapped and distant from everything, like there's walls around me that prevent from touching anything in the world with my hands. I don't feel really close or feel that I really identify that much with my friends, apart from one who always disappears (has issues too but doesn't really open them to me), and even if I could eventually connect with them on a deeper level theoretically, this is impossible right now since I'm empty inside. I don't really have much to say to them.

I feel disconnected from my father. We used to be very close, but he's kind of hard to deal with, especially with issues relating to money. He's also kind of emotionally absent, in a way. He's a great person in lots of ways and I love him, but he choses to deal with life in a very superficial and confortable way and that's how our relationship is right now. He lives in his self-comfort zone of financial security and that's basically it. I just feel like he's a sellout and has a materialistic perspective on life that I don't identify with. It's harder because I feel like in some way, inside, that's just a way to cope with lots of things that would require we take some risk, but most people don't want that.

As time went by, I learned to understand a little better that this disconnect and apathy I feel has to do with how out of place and unwanted I feel in the world and with the loneliness I feel and with all this buried pain inside me. Now I get to what Fharraige asked - I have basically not been dealing with the breakup at all. By the way, thanks for stopping by as well. My girlfriend used to be my only emotional support apart from my mother (which is kind of a hard person to deal with in some aspects) and when we broke up, even though I already felt apathetic and it was getting worse and worse with time, I went into full-fledged apathy. I didn't even cry. We would meet after the break up to talk about how we were feeling and she would cry and cry and I would just feel cold. And this scared me. Still scares me. I can barely remember or think much about our relationship, I feel as though it was another life. I can talk about it and about all of my problems as if I was talking about somebody else, in a totally distant way.

More specifically, as far as advices go, if someone who struggled or is struggling with that kind of emotional disconnect could give me advice as to how I could bring those buried emotions outside I would be grateful. This is kind of hard to put in words. I just feel like a cursed person. I try to do things and when I start to feel a little better it all just seems to fall apart again for no discernible reason. I just start to feel like **** and don't want to do nothing. Sometimes, rarely, a song or a film or a piece of literature resonate with me in a way that makes me get closer to what I'm feeling, but then I become blank again. It's rare that I can engage with a piece of art (or anything at all) since I can barely concentrate (anxiety disorder also) or feel interested and find the meaning in anything. I'm trying to exercise basically everyday, looking in lots of places for jobs (and some things are appearing) even though I feel really unmotivated, and I go to therapy (and recently switched therapist after a long period feeling unsatisfied but also too indifferent to make a change), but in the end I always end up feeling the same way. It's as if I'm chasing a fugitive - my emotions always escape from me and hide again. I'm just tired of feeling completely dead, cold, inexistent.