[ickydog2006]

I did it, but I'm wondering if it is worth it. I went to a volleyball game the other night. I haven't gone to one in around 6 years (had a referee make a move on me in a gym full of people and no one noticed; worked on a lot of the issues years ago pertaining to this, but I still miss feeling normal and I want to be able to go to school functions comfortably). Back to the point...I was scared stiff. I huddled in the corner close to an exit. I managed to clap for a few plays but mostly had my arms huddled around me. I was so scared and all I wanted to do was leave. I kept thinking, "it'll be over soon" and as soon as it was I bolted out of there, went straight to my room, closed the door, and tried to breath. The rest of the night I was pretty much a nervous wreck, crying, shaking. I tried watching movies to get my mind off things but then ended up taking a sleeping pill. The next morning was still hard. I had a hard time breathing and it was like my mind was preparing for something to trigger panic. It took all day for it to ease up some. I really want to be able to do this stuff, but sometimes it feels so hopeless. My current counselor feels that it would be okay for me to try this once more, but if I'm as paniced as last time we should try taking a more gradual approach. I decided that sounded like a good plan, and now the next game is tonight. Everytime I think about it I get chest pains and it gets hard to breath. I was having other problems earlier due to all the stress recently and I'm just really nervous. But I know that if I avoid trying this time and say I will next time it will just be worse.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this, maybe to express my fears in written format, maybe to get advice, maybe to hear that everything will be okay, I don't know.

I can't wait till tonight/this week is over.

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) Yes it does seem like a bit too much of exposure therapy for you. I hope you express this very clearly to your T. Perhaps then your T will help you take baby steps first... like just talking about it, or thinking about it briefly, to visualizing an empty gym etc... Sometimes when we go too far too fast we all but retraumatize ourselves, and that does no good.

Everything can be ok. You are ok, and brave to have done this and done it so well by yourself. Now breathe. You're safe.

[Perna]

Yes, you did it! It can only get "better" as you do it, your "head" can't fix it any other way? Do you have a friend you can go with?

[DocClyde]

(((Icky)))

I am very proud of you and you are very brave! It shows me that you are willing to try to help yourself...dont worry that you still feel stressed--its not an overnight process...

Best of luck, and good job!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

That was so brave and took courage... I am so proud of you.. It gets better...conquering that fear.. it is a process.. one little step at a time.. and one step after another.
I didn't drive for 2 years,,, and that is how I did it.. one "game" at a time... and I now drive all over.. but that first time out.. my heart pounded.. everything that you describe...

[ickydog2006]

Thanks for the encouragement guys. It went way better the second time, not great but okay at least. I still had a hard time moving and breathing but there were less people this time and a little less noise so that helped. I also took my crochet work with me which gave me something to focus on and distract me from the anxiety. I feel better about trying now though.

[Mouse_]

((Ickydog)) Yes you are so right about feeling better for having tried. That takes great courage!!

that is great... and taking something to work on for distration.. that was good....

[InvisibleOne]

Icky,

Wow, I admire your courage. Good for you. And great idea on bringing your crocheting - that's brilliant. I often take my camera with me to large group events. It acts as a security blanket for me!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( ickydog ))))))))))))))