[JanusunaJ]

I so very much want to speak with my friend, let's call her "V," but she generally prefers to speak on the phone. I send her text messages every now and then and sometimes she'll reply and we have a very brief exchange, but more often than not she replies to my initial text message by calling me back a few hours later. We used to speak on the phone quite frequently, but that was about three or so years ago. At that time we worked for the same employer and we'd hang out during our lunch break at work. But, later she moved out-of-state. I do miss her and enjoy her company. However, there are somethings I can't talk about with her, specifically my issues stemming from bipolar disorder.

Possible trigger:

I say that I can't talk to her about those issues because she once, while talking about her ex/father-of-her-child who suffered from depression and heroin addiction, stated that she viewed his depression as being a sign of a weak character. I disagreed with her in regards to his depression suggesting he has a weak character and vocalized that opinion.

I also miss my friend "E." I can usually talk with her via text message or Facebook. However, during a depressive episode a couple of weeks ago we were having a brief text message conversation whereupon she then called me to speak on the phone. I'm so anxious about speaking on the phone that I didn't answer. She left me a voicemail message. I still haven't listened to it. I've tried initiating conversations via text message since then, but haven't heard back from her.

I miss a handful of other close friends from the past that I haven't spoken with in a while or very infrequently, maybe once a year. I'm sure we'd speak more if via spoken phone conversation, but that anxiety of speaking on the phone is paralyzing. I've even tried email, but that too isn't very productive.

My mentor from college(my trombone professor) that I've known since 2001 called me a few weeks ago. The last time I spoke with him was about a year ago. It was a short phone conversation. He saw that I'd gotten a new job so he called me at my office on my first day there! As I mentioned, he called me a few weeks ago, but since he'd called me a year ago, I quit my job due to being under severe psychological duress and moved back to my home State to live with my mother and her husband. I'm so embarrassed about my living situation, psychological health, and career failure to the extent that it may more so be shame than embarrassment that I'm feeling that I didn't answer his call. He left me a voicemail message. I still haven't listened to it. It's been about three weeks. He's 76 years old; realistically, he's in his twilight years and I don't have much time to communicate with him. I could drive to the town where he lives as it's only about 45 minutes away, but I've put on about 50lbs since I last saw him. I don't want him to see me like this; primarily from shame. He doesn't use email or text messaging.

My grandfather was on his death bed when I was in high school; 2000/2001. He asked me to play my trombone for him. I was so anxious that I didn't play anything for him. He died before I could overcome that fear.

I had a close relationship with my grandmother too when I was younger. During my pre-teen years I used to call her on the phone and speak with her. But as I got older my level of anxiety began to noticeably affect our relationship. When I was in middle school she was on her deathbed(1997); the only thing I could think to ask her was if her bed was comfortable. She asked if that was the only thing I could think of to talk about. That was pretty much our last conversation.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I prefer to email and text also. I rarely answer my phone when it rings. If you can get your nerve up, call your friends and your professor even if your voice shakes. It will get easier. Do you have a therapist to help you work through this? What about exposure therapy? Best wishes.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I prefer to email and text also. I rarely answer my phone when it rings. If you can get your nerve up, call your friends and your professor even if your voice shakes. It will get easier. Do you have a therapist to help you work through this? What about exposure therapy? Best wishes.

Thanks for the response I suppose a concern is not knowing what to talk about with my friends or my professor. I'm very hesitant to talk about anything regarding my mental health with most of my friends partly because with some it's invaded our relationships, to the point that a majority of them have ended communication. I don't really have anything else to talk about as I'm at home all day, pretty much doing nothing. I have tried talking with them about whatever is going on in their lives, but typically it's a very short conversation. There are other friends that I haven't talked with in many years that I contact every now and then, but they don't know anything about my deteriorated health. And I'm unwilling to discuss my mental health with them because I suppose I don't want them to know and maybe I think it'll ruin the relationship; I definitely find it personally shameful and embarrassing. So, I don't really know what I can talk with them about. The shame and embarrassment definitely goes with my professor as well, but that's more so from having failed at grad school and my career.

Nope, no therapist. I'm currently in a relatively small town. Mental health treatment options aren't readily available. And I am broke with no insurance. Even when I did have income and insurance and was living in a large city I couldn't find a therapist that I could afford. I did find one therapist that I thoroughly liked, but he didn't take insurance and was about $150/per session. I did look over my insurance plan and found a list of therapists; I then looked those therapists up online to learn about their philosophy of therapy. I found several that I thought would be a good fit. I contacted them only to find out that even though they were listed by my insurance company that they in fact either did not accept insurance or they weren't accepting patients as they were professors.