[MemeGuy]

I will try to be as brief as possible.
I would say my looks are nothing extraordinary, but above average, same as my intelligence. I am soon to be 28 years old, straight male from Eastern Europe. There are girls who like me. I am a young legal adviser. Facts say I am not a loser, or at least I shouldn't be miserable.
When I was six my father beat up my grandmother (mother's mother), hit my mother and hit me as well, in the forehead, probably unattentionally, as there was a "mele" going on. Later, we understood he had been beeting up my grandfather and the latter didn't tell us. I was six... SIX! It was the summer before starting first grade at school. I am pretty sure this thing got me mixed up, if it wasn't for that, I would probably not be posting here now.
What was even worse, accrdoing to me, is that my parents separated, but got back together, cause you see the young chap should have a father figure. I lived four years with my father, I felt him like an enemy and at the edn he made another scence and we kicked him out for good. I think living with him was even worse, because he was causing anxiety, although anxiety with with low intensity but for a long period, in comparison to a one night of fiolence - high intenity of violence, but for a very short period of time.
It wasn't easy to grow up with just two women (my grandfather eventually died) - women are easy to panic, I think this influenced me in a way, also I had long years teenage battle with my mother against her control over me - hurr durr I won't let you go here or there.
Through the years I developed all kinds of obssesive and intrusive thoughts - some would fade away, some would stay: classical OCD - sexual and harmful thoughts in church, towards family members. With time I learned to not look much into this hence those thoughts ceased to be a problem for me. But I remember when I was like 13-14, I thought I was insane, or cursed, wanted to die, but didn't have the guts to tell my mother (there was not easy access to internet by that time). And now here I am, 27 years old, my latest "craziness"is being afraid of my grandmother's death. She is 73. We will al die one day. It's been 2 years now. It started back in the ealry autumn of 2015 as an old guilt for being responsible for some medical conditions of hers (that's another story, but eventually I am not guilty), then it developed in the fear of her eventual death and this fear dragged along with it all kinds of torturing thoughts - will I become successful before she dies, will I make up to her for being rude at times to her before she dies, will I be able to relax and have fun and enjoy life before she dies (I know, irrational, but quite a torturing feeling). This thing developed in a even more complicated thing as after her death, it's kinda my mother's "turn" and also... I will die some day too! And being so "crazy", I don't see myself as a family man and a solid guy who will turn from a "child" in a "protector", a "provider". And God is my witness I want to turn into one.
I've tried therapy, the therapists are tried were not good for this. For a long period I wasn't able to work, to function. After a family friend who is a surgeon and some sort of medical chief in my town connected me with the chief of psychiatry in town (by that time I had already tried a regular psychiatrist and was not happy with the treatment) and now she is in charge of my treatment as she added another medication to the one previously prescribed, we talk, I share with her how I feel and she adjusts what I take... she told me medication is only the first step and she promised me at the end I would be able to keep my cool even when life gets hard and not be anxious and always expect trouble when things are fine... We are meeting tomorrow.
(Well, I am not being brief, am I) So as a result I feel my life pointless and can't find motivation to enjoy life and be productive. Now, the medication made things waaaay more bearable. F.e. I am now actively seeking other job opportunities, as before all my energy was drained by my anxiety. But still, although I don't freak out, I feel fesperate, but "quietly",, not "hysterically". I try to "run away"from what I feel and think by drinking a lot of coffee, drinking one-two beers every night. I went on holidays in other towns, went to concerts, went to the sea, up the mountain and after I got back I was still the same, it felt like I was trying to run away again.
I don't think all of my problems are up to the psychatrist. Unforuntely, as a person I am kind of anxious and a "chicken". I may look good, be talkative, appear confident, but I know that all this is partially due to my deep insecurities and I am trying to make up for them. Even now at this age, I would pass by some kids laughing and might feel insecure like they are laughing at me. Or, I will give you a fresh example - last weekend I went to another town to go to a concert and staid at the place of a good friend of mine - a girl - and we were hanging out that weekend. I have some suspition that she maybe likes me, and so when we turned off the light the second night, she said "hey" with a feminine voice and the reason is to ask where is her good night. She is a nice looking girl and has a quite cool personality, but I don't fancy sleeping with her or having a relationship at all, so after I told her good night and it was finally time to sleep a little voice was telling me: "Damn, Boris, what if right now she jumps out of her bed and tries to have sex with you?... You will be exposed for the p***sy you are". Nothing was showing that she would do it, it's just that this voice would always humiliate me or make me scared for some reason, like seeing my mother bend over, it would tell me for a part of the second "Put your fist in her vagina." And as I think part of my problem is not "over the top", and meant to be cured, I think this is just who I am - easily scared guy. And this conclusion makes me feel bad.
In conclusion, I've been fighting all these years with depression, anxiety and OCD and here I am doing the same and feeling even worse is very dissappointing, it's like what's the point, Boris? Yes, you do have something funked up thanks to you father, but also, you also tend to be weak, lazy and a coward as a person. And the latter thought just adds to all the other thoughts that make me see no point in having fund and/or excelling with cooking/job skills/the gym, you name it... I am almost 28 years old, I am not like 15 or 20 when feeling weak and not okay in the head felt like justified in a way. Being in this situation at this age makes me find no inspiration to deal with it.
I don't really expect to receive some great advice from you guys, but sharing from time to time with people makes me feel a little releaved and who knows, you might share me your experience with similar problems that might give me a little hope.
Also, please excuse my grammatical erros and tautologies, I put all my mind and effort in telling my story.
Thank you.

[Leyla]

hi there
its always good to write it out and get your feelings out. sounds like you had a rough childhood. hopefully the medications help and the doc can help you sort out these feelings.

don't try to be too hard on yourself. no one is a loser. we just think those negative thoughts, you can turn this around with help.

[MemeGuy]

Originally Posted by Leyla

hi there
its always good to write it out and get your feelings out. sounds like you had a rough childhood. hopefully the medications help and the doc can help you sort out these feelings.

don't try to be too hard on yourself. no one is a loser. we just think those negative thoughts, you can turn this around with help.

It wasn't that rough, but it is the route of my suffering throughout my life no doubt about it.

I just want to find a little peace, no matter what I do I find no relief. I drink coffee all day, I drink beer (not much) almost every evening and force myself to go running or hit the gym, just so I can numb my mind for a little while, but I'm so fed up of running in a circle as it is going nowhere. I know the answer is therapy, but the therapists I've tried so far were no good for my problems and I'm feeling more and more desperate because of that - as if I'm doomed to be forever anxious and miserable. I'm read posts from many people who struggle with anxiety, depression for decades, go through life thanks to meds, what if I end up like them? What if I don't find the right therapist, what if my condition is too complicated to be "cured"? That's what I'm thinking...

[Sunflower123]

I don't think your condition is too complicated to be cured. I've been through at least 10 therapists before I found the one worth her weight in gold. Therapy definitely sounds like a good plan. You may just have to be patient finding one who is a good fit. Sending big hugs.