[wanttolivebetter]

I don't know where to begin. That's part of my problem. My brain is so scrambled, I never really know where to begin. Every time I try to talk, whether it be when making an online post like this or just trying to explain a problem I had with my McDonald's order, it all comes across as an incoherent ramble. Or, it sounds coherent enough but fails at conveying what I wanted to convey in the first place. I don't know how to explain it other than my brain is such a jumbled place. It makes me not want to try to talk to anyone ever, but that's not really an option either because isolating myself makes me depressed, and plus you know, surviving in society requires talking to others. So anyway, I'll try.

I think my problem may be that I'm so anxious all of the time and so consumed with worry that my brain just can't keep up. I'm not sure, but it's a theory I have. I do know I'm always physically tense to the point of nonstop fidgeting around and that I spend a lot of time obsessing over and worrying over things. An example is, say I have a long drive coming up like I did when I had to evacuate for the hurricane. Nights before I have to leave, I will start staying up late at night, as late as 5 or 6 a.m., just laying in bed worrying about the possibility that I will get in a terrible car crash on the way there and will wind up dying in a lot of pain or drowning to death if, say, the car falls into a lake. I don't know if this is normal or, at least, common. I just know I do it constantly.

Another example is I just dread with every fiber of my being any situation where I have to talk to other people because of my problems I have articulating myself that I mentioned. Sometimes I just wiggle my way out of plans. I've lost a lot of friends because of this. I don't really have any friends left to be honest. Other times, I go ahead with the plans and then wind up in my car crying because I'm reminded of how much of a hard time I have just conversing. People come up to me and say things, and I can't think of anything at all to say, so I just awkwardly laugh and say "Yeah." a million times. I physically cannot think of anything else to say. Sometimes I'm so unfocused and anxious I never heard what they said to me to begin with, as well. These experiences make me even less likely to put myself in situations where I have to talk to others in the future.

I know I'm not explaining very well. I'm sorry. Back to the original point of all of this, I'm to a point where I want to try and address my anxiety and only my anxiety to see if I can get it under control. In the past when I went to therapists, I feel like nothing ever got done because we were trying to focus on too many things at once--my depression, family problems, healthy problems, etc. I just want to focus on anxiety now because I think, if my theory is correct, it's the root of so many other problems. Maybe. I don't know. The problem is I don't have a job anymore. I lost that because of the problems I (poorly) described. I had to move back in with a parent. I can't afford to see anybody. I can afford to get on anxiety medication, but I've already been on every anxiety medication in the book. They never helped. They just made me feel dizzy and tired.

I'm just posting here because I don't have anything else I can do, I guess. I can't live like this. I think about wanting to die many times every day. Not saying I'll commit suicide or anything. I just have the thought constantly because, really, where else is there for me to go? I hate this. I wish I could figure out how to help myself.

[Shazerac]

welcome to psych central

Hello wanttolivebetter, welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone online to chat with.

It sounds like you struggle quite a bit with anxiety, and it sounds difficult to go through. Anxiety medications, unfortunately, are usually not something that should be used long-term and is more of a band-aid solution, particularly benzos (this is coming from someone who currently takes a benzo regularly, I definitely don't judge those that use them and they do help temporarily!) The unfortunate thing with anxiety is that therapy is the best way to address it. Some things that help me personally with my anxiety are having a part-time job, exercising and meditation. I have recently started using a meditation website that is pretty darn cool, and free: https://app.stopbreathethink.org/ Maybe you'd like to give it a shot as well? What sort of self-care activities help your anxiety? Maybe making a list of them and keeping it on you would be helpful for when you start to feel anxious.

[*Laurie*]

What about a free support group...a NAMI Connection group, for example? Support groups can be amazingly helpful.

[wanttolivebetter]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Hello wanttolivebetter, welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone online to chat with.

It sounds like you struggle quite a bit with anxiety, and it sounds difficult to go through. Anxiety medications, unfortunately, are usually not something that should be used long-term and is more of a band-aid solution, particularly benzos (this is coming from someone who currently takes a benzo regularly, I definitely don't judge those that use them and they do help temporarily!) The unfortunate thing with anxiety is that therapy is the best way to address it. Some things that help me personally with my anxiety are having a part-time job, exercising and meditation. I have recently started using a meditation website that is pretty darn cool, and free: Maybe you'd like to give it a shot as well? What sort of self-care activities help your anxiety? Maybe making a list of them and keeping it on you would be helpful for when you start to feel anxious.

Honestly, I have never found any self-care things that help my anxiety. I'm always too tense to enjoy doing anything for myself. I try to read a book or enjoy a bath and then just give up because I'm too on edge and unfocused. I do want to try out meditation to see if it can help me calm down. I will check out that website. Thank you

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

What about a free support group...a NAMI Connection group, for example? Support groups can be amazingly helpful.

I'll research NAMI Connection. I just think I need a therapist to help me find practical, physical actions I can take to relax because nothing I try myself or that others suggest really helps. Just talking about it to others has never alleviated any of it. I wish I could say it has.

[Apollite]

Originally Posted by wanttolivebetter

My brain is so scrambled, I never really know where to begin. Every time I try to talk, whether it be when making an online post like this or just trying to explain a problem I had with my McDonald's order, it all comes across as an incoherent ramble. Or, it sounds coherent enough but fails at conveying what I wanted to convey in the first place. I don't know how to explain it other than my brain is such a jumbled place. It makes me not want to try to talk to anyone ever

I really relate to this! Even the simplest of interactions are daunting to the point of being impossible, which makes me feel like an idiot. The more I feel this way, the more mistakes I make because I'm focusing on the outcome and other people's reactions, as opposed to what I'm saying. These feelings become magnified when I'm being observed and evaluated and I'm almost certain to make mistakes then. I often hesitate before I speak because I often need a lot of time to gather my thoughts, and this can make other people impatient!

Before certain situations, I've found that rehearsing what I want to say (or writing things down) can help because it makes me feel more in control. It won't work all the time because people can be unpredictable, but for simpler interactions like ordering a takeaway/taxi, making appointments and basic chat, it really does work.

Oh, and don't worry about explaining yourself in here - your post was perfectly coherent

[wanttolivebetter]

Originally Posted by Apollite

I really relate to this! Even the simplest of interactions are daunting to the point of being impossible, which makes me feel like an idiot. The more I feel this way, the more mistakes I make because I'm focusing on the outcome and other people's reactions, as opposed to what I'm saying. These feelings become magnified when I'm being observed and evaluated and I'm almost certain to make mistakes then. I often hesitate before I speak because I often need a lot of time to gather my thoughts, and this can make other people impatient!

Before certain situations, I've found that rehearsing what I want to say (or writing things down) can help because it makes me feel more in control. It won't work all the time because people can be unpredictable, but for simpler interactions like ordering a takeaway/taxi, making appointments and basic chat, it really does work.

Oh, and don't worry about explaining yourself in here - your post was perfectly coherent

Yes! I feel like people who have never experienced issues with language itself just have a thought, put it into words effortlessly, and then listen to what the other person says in response, come back with another response, etc. etc., whereas I'm always hyper-focused on the words themselves. Every time someone else speaks, instead of just listening to what they're saying, I'm taking note of the sentence structure and word choice themselves and thinking how in awe I am of just their ability to speak effortlessly at all. The most nerve-wracking instances for me are job interviews, which is why I have such a hard time finding and keeping employment. I could prepare for a presentation in my college classes by memorizing word-for-word what I was going to say, but I can't do that for an interview where I have no idea what questions will be presented to me. I've made a complete fool of myself in interviews on so many occasions and then driven home crying and thinking about how I wish I would just die. I can't live like this.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. Bless your heart. I'm sorry you're having this problem. It sounds very taxing. If you've tried every anxiety medication and it hasn't helped maybe something is going on in conjunction with the anxiety. Have you been tested for ADHD....just a thought.

I agree that if you go back into therapy you should focus on this until you have a better handle on it. Whether you go to a therapist or a psychiatrist, print your original posts out and show them, please.

Wishing you the best of luck. Sending big hugs.