Isolated and trapped

Oh yea, it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. I was sleeping well at my mom's, but felt like she was getting sick of me, so came back here. I was up all Thursday night, and by Friday of last week, packed my stuff and decided to stay with her for a few days. When I got there, I was alone, except for my cats, and I started crying uncontrollably. The exhaustion, both physical and mental overcame me. I laid down on the living room floor and went to sleep for a few hours. That night I slept 9 hours. Saturday, I slept another 9 hours, Sunday and Monday too. Back here, I can't stand being here, especially with him here. His presence is a constant reminder that I have been used. I'm trapped and isolated. I have no one, but my mom....and my cats, and occasionally my brother will text if he needs something. My only friend died last year, and I still can't believe it. She had been traveling around the U.S., and I hadn't seen her for awhile. She had bone cancer, I don't get it. I have been pretending that she is still just wandering around the country. Her boyfriend tries to talk to me sometimes, but I just can't do it. I don't know what to say. He has other friends and I barely knew him. I have lost too many people already. My aunt died last year, along with my grandma and grandpa too. I wasn't close with my family, but now there will never be that chance to reconcile. My dad is gone, my uncles on my mom's side, and my other grandma all gone in the last few years. Friends of family gone too. "Boyfriend" couldn't fake sympathy anymore after like the 10th person died. Now, I just sit here when he curls up to go to sleep, and think about death, and how fast time flies. I'm only 35, I shouldn't be thinking about this yet. I actually feel like a ghost trapped here in this apt. Oh, now the snoring starts up again..........

EasyPeezy8. My prayers go out to you. I hope you finally got to sleep and get some rest. Life can be such a challenge.

This is a lot for anyone to take no matter how strong they are. Grief is a terrible process that makes you feel our of control and effects your sleep. I don't know when it will get better only that, eventually, it will. Time doesn't erase grief but it makes it less intense.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. Can you go stay with your mom for awhile? Have you considered being evaluated by a professional in case you've fallen into depression or considered a therapist to help you through this? I hope things look up for you soon. Sending big hugs.

At 6 am, after drifting off, he gets up to go to the bathroom. I wake up out of some sleep stage, and I didn't know where I was. My heart was pounding, and I felt like I was gonna faint while laying down. My stomach starts burning. I try to go back to sleep, but feel dizzy while laying down. After a few minutes, I get up, grab my blanket, and just leave. I went back to my mom's. When I got there, I calmed down enough, and slept awhile. Thanks for the prayers, hidesad.

Thank you, hopetrying, for saying this is alot for anyone to take. I never really dealt with it. When I tried to deal with one person being gone, another would die. I think this is too much grief for a stage in life when I'm supposed to be creating a family, not losing one.

Thanks Jennifer. I think I have no choice right now, but to stay with my mom for awhile longer. I physically cannot stay in my own apt. anymore. He has it made there, it's so convenient. Why would he give that up, even if he knows it has driven me to the edge?
I have been diagnosed with depression, but they send me on my way with an rX I can't take and are like, "Good luck!" I am having a really hard time finding a therapist that accepts medicaid. I find them on the website for medicaid, and call and they say they don't accept it. I've called maybe 20 places. They either don't accept it, or are not accepting new patients. I'm so confused and ashamed that I'm on medicaid. I called a sliding scale place again. In the summer, they were all booked up, but hopefully they will have more therapists now. It's a teaching place with intern therapists. I guess it's better than nothing.