i was not able to speak in school until about fourth or fifth grade. i was dramatically mute in preschool. i remember that i did not feel a single thing. i was very detached. i just existed without any feelings.

i got depressed in high school and didn't speak unless necessary and scripted at home or school.

i wonder if i was scared or detached or both. i am angry that no one helped me with these things even though they could see that i was not normal.

and if it is actually social anxiety or a reaction to home life and terrifying parents. i suppose the school environment was uniquely terrifying in its own right.

and i am wondering how this translates as an adult. if i snap away i will forget to do everything and fail out of school, etc. so i can't detach.

but also in my social life, which is almost nonexistent, i don't like to have unfamiliar conversations and new people. saying hi, how are you is fullfilling enough.

everything is such a chore.




now, when i talk, it feels like sometimes the words are coming from someone else. when i handle my parents, i gently coach them or i am a steady controlled presence for them. where do these words come from? they all seem so insincere.

i'm very very unhappy. somehow i have fallen into the trap of the dichotomy of either being in control or not being in control. in reality i'm never in control. it's all a facade. i feel like i'm pretending.

[Yzen]

I did not speak in my first years in school. I think I did not feel I should engage in conversation at school because I feared the reaction of people...probably from abuse experiences. I was an observer. I had similar anger that no one helped most of my childhood. I did have a 5th grade teacher that helped and I wish I had more support like her. I learned that I had to stop observing and being so passive.

I think it takes pushing through situations and those uncomfortable conversations over and over to get more at ease. You might be over aware of your words and how artificial they sound, but eventually you feel you own your words. That has been my experience.