No Job, No money...too many degrees

I started out in science. I have a bachelor's degree in the field of geology, which was active 10 years prior. I decided to have a bit more fun in college and duel majored learning sculpture which I already know was stupid and worthless. I then went on to graduate school in geology...about the time that many of the science divisions in the United States shut down. I ended up leaving after a personal conflict with my major advisor, as she was very against religion and was notorious for creating conflict with students who suggested any religious ties period. This was not something that I knew prior to going to school and while exiting the program the head of the department accidentally let it slip that this particular professor was known to have chased away post-doctorate students. She was extremely difficult to deal with.

Instead of going back to graduate school with two other offers from different universities that would have taken me in if I applied, I decided to go for something different. I pursued animation at a top private college and obtained my master's degree. I faced a lot of discrimination there because it was filled with very rich students from very prestigious backgrounds. I even put myself into the hospital trying to keep up with them by spending 3 to 4 days awake and sleeping an hour here and there to prove my worth. I ended graduating with nearly all As. It was a hard road because art is quite subjective and the stereotypical belief is that nothing is quite good enough. Many of the professors are equally hard on their own work and often judge students to years of people out in the profession.

Well needless to say, when I graduated I couldn't find a job anywhere. I did here back from a few casino companies that were interested in my art. They liked it until upper management and that's when I got turned down. Nothing in science. Absolutely zero.

I gave nearly ten years of my life trying to make a life for myself and now I am a part-time cashier at a local store in the middle of nowhere. I have taken enough courses that I only need about 6 more before I can go back to school for pre-med and all the ones that I've taken thus far that count have been stellar grades. But honestly, I'm tired. I'm so very tired... All my younger siblings are married or in a relationship. They all have decent paying jobs with and without education. They take vacations and buy things they like. I'm 28 and eating canned soup and $1 sandwiches from McDonalds to stay alive. I live with family because I can't afford anything much more on my own. I have more degrees than anyone in my family has ever had and nothing works. I'm good with books. My employer told me personally that I'm a damn hard worker (as did all my part-time employers in the past). I can probably get handfuls of recommendations from them.

But I feel alone and worthless and worse, I get treated like I'm worthless too. Customers often times come up and throw things on the counter and if I can't answer something, they instigate a conversation about my lack of intelligence. Don't get me wrong, there are so many nice people too, but when the mean ones come they are downright ugly. I've found myself going out of my way at the dollar store or grocery store for a cashier because I know what it's like personally. These aren't stupid people. They are just people so down on their luck that they don't know how to get out. I understand 100%.

My family keeps telling me that I'm not trying hard enough. That I somehow haven't really pushed myself into finding a real job. I haven't made a decision without them as they control everything. I even call them up when I want to spend my earned money to eat a subway or somewhere fancy like that. I feel guilty about spending money needlessly on myself as I keep thinking that I'll need it one day. It's developed anxiety in my life that I can't control.

Everyone outside my family thinks that I'm a very happy because I don't take my problems to work or outside. I wear the brightest smile I possible can. Hell, I bet you at this point you can call me whatever you need to and I won't crack in front of you. But it burns deep and I take my failures home with me every night. It interrupts my sleep with nightmares and causes me to constantly worry about everything I do. If nothing else, I've become rather good at pretending that I'm not me any longer. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can't really see me anymore. I can't even do things that I enjoy anymore because I feel it's all worthless. I found that I like daydreaming more than anything else. I like not thinking about my life or how I'm running out of money. I like pretending that maybe in a parallel universe or what ever nonsense I have a normal life and a family about now. Hell, I even pretend sometimes I'm pretty too. It gets sadder and of course I'm consciences enough to understand that I'm really the me in any of my daydreams. That's being either frivolous or downright illogical. But I must be worth something... somehow.

Hello. Welcome to PC. I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. You are worthwhile! Congratulations on all of your degrees. It’s clear you are a hard worker. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better but I hear you, I care and I support you. Please keep posting if it helps. I’m here if you want to talk.