[Dyreal95]

Sorry for my bad english. I dont know which forum to post this, so i decided to do it here. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and masturbating in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me masturbating with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. She was the only person who really understood me, but now she is taken distance from me, to make her own life better. I love her and i am happy that she is happy, but this is so hard... And i think she has found a new guy. The only person i could talk to and i felt loved me for who i am, dont want to talk to me anymore. I have tried different psychiatrists, but nothing helps. My thoughts becomes darker and darker, and i feel more and more lonely. I can't get over what i have done, and i am so afraid someone will find it all the time. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. Have you considered talking to a therapist to help you process this and relieve your fears? Also did the psychiatrists mention medication? That may provide some relief. Best wishes.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Dyreal: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most distressing situation. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

I did also want to address your particular concerns. I'm an older person &, as such, there was no internet when I was young. So there wasn't the possibility of my getting myself into the type of situation you face. That said, however, there are things in my past that, in their own way, are as disturbing to me as what you have done is to you. So I believe I have some sense of what you're facing. (Oh... & by the way, speaking of suicidal thinking, I've made two serious attempts of my own.)

PC member "Jennifer" (above) asked if you had considered talking to a therapist. And I have to say I think this is probably going to be necessary. I know you mentioned you've tried a few different psychiatrists. And I don't know how mental health services are provided in Denmark. But where I live psychiatrists almost exclusively prescribe & monitor psych med's. If one needs or wants to talk things over at length one has to see a mental health therapist. Sometimes it can take a few tries to find the right one for you. Not every therapist works well with every client. But, talking all of this through at length over a period of time... delving into why you did what you did to begin with, how you feel about it now, & how to live with it in the future is, from my perspective, what is going to be necessary. Of course there are also medications one can take to help with anxiety & depression. And something like this might be something to consider too, at least over the short term.

There is also a Buddhist practice that might be of some help to you both now & in the future. It's not a cure. But it may help a bit as you continue dealing with this. It is referred to as compassionate abiding. It is a practice I use myself multiple times each day. Compassionate abiding involves simply allowing intrusive thoughts to come forward... breathing into them... perhaps even smiling to them. Sometimes I will even place my hand over my heart as a sign of lovingkindness & compassion for them. After a few breaths, I then drop the "story line" (whatever thought, memory or emotion it is that has upset me) & simply continue to stay with the underlying emotion... be it fear, anxiety, grief or whatever until it fades of its own accord... which it does.

Two things happen when we employ this practice. First, very gradually over time, the strength & frequency of intrusive thoughts wanes. But second, & perhaps more important, is that we learn we can stay with difficult thoughts & emotions without losing our balance... our equanimity. Here is a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice of compassionate abiding:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

I believe that if you can find a good therapist you feel comfortable with, & perhaps learn to work with the compassionate abiding technique, over time, you will find that you can come out of this successfully. It may well still always hurt. But you can learn to live with it, move on & find happiness in your life.

There is an American Buddhist nun by the name of Pema Chödrön. She has a quite a few books in print. It is from reading Ani Pema's books that I learned about compassionate abiding. One of Ani Pema's first books is titled Start Where You Are- A Guide to Compassionate Living. (Shambhala Publications) (I recommend it highly should you have any interest.) Anyway... one of the things Ani Pema says in this book is that, in the pursuit of happiness & equanimity, a person can believe they are the worst human being to ever have walked the face of the earth. That's a great place to start! Those things about ourselves that we find most objectionable are, in reality, our treasure. Or, as one of Ani Pema's teachers... the late Chogyam Trungpa... was known to say... "chaos can be viewed as very good news!" You can come through this unfortunate experience stronger & at peace. I send warm hugs your way with the hope that it might be so...