[realizer]

Hello,

I noticed that I am unable to determine the right way of action when encountering negative conflict with others. Example would be whether someone yells at me due to my fault or my lack of efficacy to perform certain task or even when I am not to blame at all. Especially experiencing how someone yells at me or calls me names without knowing me well leaves me at a loss, feeling vulnerable and lose self-esteem because I feel I could "fight back" to defend my respect as a person. Something does not let me respond with same negativity or respond physically...

After situation is over, I keep replaying that scenario from memory and think how I would respond, which usually yell back or grab offender by throat and threaten him. I can forget about whole thing next morning but it seems that I have developed anxiety and panic attacks due to these events as they happened in my life and now it is in my subconscious mind. If conflict happened at local shop, next time that I plan going there, I already start feeling uneasy and anxious. When I get out of my house I mostly feel tense and cannot be as comfortable as I am at home.

Is anyone here who experiences this? How do you cope in such situations? It seems these situations are the root cause that affected my self-esteem and confidence.

Thanks.

[Unrigged64072835]

Yelling is a trigger for me, too. I just freeze in fear.

Sometimes not doing anything and walking away is the best thing to do. You can't usually make normal conversation when the other person's blowing his or her stack. Just say "I will talk to you when you calm down," and walk off. Even if you're wrong you shouldn't have to bear another person's anger.

[treevoice]

I have this problem, also. I call it "possuming", ha. I don't think it's a terribly uncommon response. Some of us are just not wired for those confrontational situations. I can usually find some relief by writing down what would have been a healthier response, maybe even sending a message/email/letter if appropriate. But it also helps me to remember that most of the time humans lash out, it has very little to do with you. Fharraige is right - sometimes it's a gift to not be too reactive. At the very least it usually prevents the problem from escalating and might make the other person realize they're overreacting.

I do a great deal of rehashing negative social situations in my own mind too. One of the things I do though is follow my own advice to them; namely, calm down. I then try to reconsidered what transpired through the others' points of view. What perhaps was their own lead-up to the situation and how might have they been triggered. What could I have done differently. Only then will I, if I feel it necessary or a point to make doing so, will I respond. Email tends to be my preferred choice of communication in such cases.

[realizer]

@Fharraige I know that being cool and either not respond or respond in a calm state and is a behavior of a wise man. But my problem with this is that it puts you in a vulnerable place because later I will have that feeling that will bother me. I would get thoughts that my behavior looked weak to other people who saw me that way and they will have a notion of me being a weak. I would think how others would respond. I somehow feel that if I responded in defensive manner I would come out "victorious" and not only think about it anymore but people would respect me.

Sometimes I find that comparison helps a bit. I mean, I know there are people with worse problems in life and they would wish they would have mine problems. And while I understand that I still find it very hard to just forget about situation without rehashing and analyzing it. It's only after that later that I find peace of mind and slowly forget about it...

@treevoice I wonder what you and others who responded to this post share in common because we seem to have similar if not same problem... We that gift of not being reactive as if we somehow lived already through all the situations where we were reactive and learned based on exprience and gained wisdom, understanding that polite and calm response is the way.

@justafriend306 So rehashing is what it's called in psychology? I somehow think that should I have responded in an offensive or at least defensive manner, I would be free of thoughts that would make me recall and analyze situation and it would not spoil my mood for the day, leaving a sense of self-respect and self-worth because I did not let some dirtbag to spill their negativity on me...

You mention that you reconsider what transpired through the others' points of view, how they responded etc. That while being in a situation or after that situation when you rehash what happened? I understood that you do that while in a situation but I am unclear how you can do that in such a short amout of time, let along being in a "fight or flight" condition.

Actually you mentioned email so I understand it is all done after conflict. In my case I describe occassional situation in a public area where a random dirbag Joe Doe yells and spill their negativity on you. There is no afterward contact or email communication.

[realizer]

But you know what's the worst? When you cannot concentrate at the task at hand, being in a panic attack and unable to remain calm. Example scenario? When paying small change to cashier while being in such a state due to some jerk. You feel as the anxiety and panic build up because you also delay others in line. You reach a drained state where you feel the anger of everyone and think what they would think of you being unable to handle such a simple task that involves elementary math. Being unable to resonate on your level, they are now deeming you as a stupid retard. I had those moments in life and they really affected my sense of self-esteem and confidence levels on a subconscious level since early years.

With every such situation I start thinking of future and being unable to handle such such situation as I wish, what will happen. I don't have girlfriend but what would she think of me seeing how I behave? Or how about such situation at a dating with random encounter with negative Joe Doe? Maybe I think too much but how I behave could determine the outcome of that date or some other important event...

When will humanity get wiser? When will they no longer be self-centered and learn to emphasize and resonate with others? While this gotten better, I feel it will still take some good number of generations...

[Sunflower123]

Your refusal to lower yourself to another person's level in the middle of unnecessary conflict does not make you look weak. It makes you look like the more mature, wiser, stronger person. If you chose to respond in a like manner, the conflict could escalate to something unmanageable. There's nothing wrong with walking away. I admire that. Best wishes.

[Mustkeepjob32]

I too have always been scared of confrontation. I've been yelled at publicly at work by people and instead of defending myself, I often totally shocked at the events and can't believe it's happening. I replay the event over and over again in my mind to see what I could have done differently. Of course I think of all these great comebacks, but what goes does it do?
What we can remember is that if people yell or are not nice with us, if we walk away or don't match their loud voice, we become the winner in the confrontation because did not go down to their level. If we think about that, we can realize that we acted in a "classier" way than that other person.

Z

[realizer]

Those who participated in this thread described personality and character traits that I share too. Those are also described in this video:

Whether you believe in other races or not, check it out and see how you fit the description of entity described. Computer voice over is a bit annoying though... Are we more than we think we are?

Originally Posted by realizer

@Fharraige@justafriend306 So rehashing is what it's called in psychology? I somehow think that should I have responded in an offensive or at least defensive manner, I would be free of thoughts that would make me recall and analyze situation and it would not spoil my mood for the day, leaving a sense of self-respect and self-worth because I did not let some dirtbag to spill their negativity on me...

You mention that you reconsider what transpired through the others' points of view, how they responded etc. That while being in a situation or after that situation when you rehash what happened? I understood that you do that while in a situation but I am unclear how you can do that in such a short amout of time, let along being in a "fight or flight" condition.

Actually you mentioned email so I understand it is all done after conflict. In my case I describe occassional situation in a public area where a random dirbag Joe Doe yells and spill their negativity on you. There is no afterward contact or email communication.

I realise you are perfectly right. I neither answered the question, nor offered up a suggestion or workable solution. Given the option of Fight or Flight response I tend to take the latter - and then replay it in my mind over and over again after. Yes, my reacting seems to follow too late.

It wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was able to evaluate things on the spot - not just how I might react in response but what are the motivating factors behind this other person's behaviour. Gosh to be able to do that again. Now, since just such a situation went traumatic, the PTSD is triggered and I take flight only to have to relive/rehash out the event later.

[realizer]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

It wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was able to evaluate things on the spot - not just how I might react in response but what are the motivating factors behind this other person's behaviour. Gosh to be able to do that again. Now, since just such a situation went traumatic, the PTSD is triggered and I take flight only to have to relive/rehash out the event later.

Just wondering if you are INFJ?